my truth, my journey

coming back

2006-09-29T22:36:00.000-04:00

Being in Atlanta without really knowing ppl is driving me crazy. I'm coming back to my blog to tell you all about it. It has not been all boring. I've had some fun moments.

2006-09-14T00:18:00.000-04:00

One thing I always struggled with was being me. Being myself without apology. Of course, all things in moderation. You don't want your freedom to cause others to be bound. I hate when people do that. Get so free that they make u feel uncomfortable. It's like tone all of that down. By no means am I not myself, but I am extremely filter when I'm not around ppl who have gotten into my inner circle. I guess it's a paranoia of mine. People not being genuine and judging me. Anyway, with all of that being said. I can't keep this blog going. My blog post are bland and it's not pure as I desire

These are some pure post:
http://epitome83.blogspot.com/2005/09/outside.html
http://epitome83.blogspot.com/2005/08/my-truth-my-journey-pt2.html
http://epitome83.blogspot.com/2005/05/allow-me-to-re-introduce-myself.html
http://epitome83.blogspot.com/2005/07/beat-it-up-skeet-it-up-raw-dog.html
http://epitome83.blogspot.com/2005/10/im-so-selfish.html
http://epitome83.blogspot.com/2005/11/life-or-death-u-decide.html
http://epitome83.blogspot.com/2005/11/why.html
http://epitome83.blogspot.com/2005/05/just-post.html
http://epitome83.blogspot.com/2005/05/cant-get-no-satisfaction.html
http://epitome83.blogspot.com/2005/06/tonight.html
http://epitome83.blogspot.com/2005/06/twentiespurgatory.html

These are just a few I pick quickly. Feel free to view the archives

2006-09-12T13:19:00.000-04:00

Johnta Austin -

This guy has potential to be the next super star. He has written for just about everyone he names in the song.

Johnta Austin

2006-09-12T13:12:00.000-04:00

Update

2006-09-09T01:01:00.000-04:00

Playin in stereo~"triology" Kelis

Let me give an update on what's going on with me. I finally got paid today!!!! Thank goodness, but I think there is mess up on my check. Like, they paid me my bonus for signing on, but no pay for work. What's going on with that? I need to check on that. There is some potential for there to be a serious misunderstand.

Weird things about Atlanta:

Strangers really don't look at you. Well, not in the face...are you all Asian or something? The eyes speak volumes though, so sometimes I understand avoiding the contact. (especially, if you think someone is attractive)

Customer service is the worst! My friend goes in BeBe terrible. I'm like how much do u need to spend to be treated nicely around here.

The roads! I can't get over it! I was here a few months ago for an internship and I'm still like what the f*ck.

People actually duplicate the styles they see on t.v. Not only do people do them, but some of these ppl do them all wrong. I.E. the mohawk...this boy put some product in his hair and had the mohawk in the middle. I was like, is he serious. I was trying hard not to stare, because I didn't want any trouble, but I was intrigued. I wanted to pull the camera phone out and take a picture and send it to my friends.

The good things:

The people look nice! They dress up for just about everything. Everyone wants to be fly. It's cute, but can make u feel like "I need to step the game up"

The stunner shades....I love them! I want some, but I would feel like I'm trying and I DON'T TRY. I just AM.

There is always something to do.

I haven't been to any clubs here. Actually, I haven't been to any clubs period. It's the church boy in me. I started to go tonight (club 112 was free all night), but again, the church boy thought that wasn't a good look. I have been out since my last post. I went to dinner party at South City Kitchen. I give it a thumbs up (nice setting and good food..kinda pricey). Still don't have a social group yet, but that will come. I'm just so cautious of connecting with ppl.

2006-08-25T17:22:00.000-04:00

Well, I have been in Atlanta for less than a week and it has been semi-eventful. My car roof fills up with water and starts falling in my back seats. Yeah, not good…my sunroof was faulty. Comcast has pissed me off to the third degree. I have to wait until Sunday to get anything from them. So, no phone, no internet, no cable…I’m like WTF. Not pleased! I just walk around my apartment complex, play solitaire, shop for stuff for my place.

I have good credit! The importance of keeping good credit has never been more obvious than now. I haven’t had to pay one deposit. I’m excited, there is a lot to do, but I can’t do much. I need to save my money. It’s a lump sum now, but it has to last for two weeks and rent will be due in a few days.

My brother from Boston was in Atlanta this weekend he helped me move. Thank God! I was seconds away from hiring some Mexicans (my uncle left to talk to them). I know SHAME ON ME, but I needed help. Others brothers came once all the moving was done. It was good to see them. We had a great time. One of them may join me in Atlanta.

Everyone check out Hill Harper book. He is a great guy! I’m impressed with this book of his. He is honest in there. For example, he admitted to catching a STD. Who would have thought? I’m using someone wireless internet, which is illegal (so I hear), so let me get off of this. Who am I foolin’? I need to catch up, because this will be disconnected tomorrow, I’m certain. Then, it will be me and Love Jones again.

This is it (quick post)

2006-08-18T18:19:00.000-04:00

U-HAUL check

Money check

Packed check

Fight with my mother about money. Check! We keep having the issue of money. Like she "misquotes" prices or something to that affect and spends the left over money. This has happen twice and we had another problem today, but it was solved quickly. I think it kinda hurt her when I let it be known I don't trust you with my money. "You have done this twice." I'm ready ATLANTA, Ga. It's for good this time. My friends/brothers are coming up, but not helping me move. Aint that some mess. One is coming to shop. The other just wants to be noisey, I'm sure. How is he living? The first is doing something the same thing, I'm sure. The other is already there. I'm ready to catch up with my brother. He has been in Boston, which he hates. I'm recruiting him to Atlanta slowly.

Moving

2006-08-16T19:07:00.000-04:00

Moving is causing me to be way more emotional than I expected. I was so ready to go. "I'm going to the A, A." I finally start packing today and I realize I'm going to miss this place terribly. It's like are u serious. I'm leaving fo'real this time. I feel so in-between. Too big for where I am, but nervous about where your going. It's crazy! I'm not going to be ready at this going away party Friday. Seeing my family surrounding me like this is going to mess me up. I was teary eyed when I left church Sunday. That was my last Sunday for sometime. I probably will not be back home until 2007. I didn't have to go away to college, so it's like I'm going through emotional roller coaster now.

What's going on with your girl Beyonce? Have you seen the "Ring the Alarm" Video? I don't know what theme she is going for with the album, but these crazy movements, and quick scene changes in videos are confusing me. I like the sound though. She is being aggressive I like that.

What is love?

2006-08-13T22:14:00.000-04:00

I have had this thought for some time. What is love? The term love is used so often and so freely that it has lost it's value. It's use to get sex, stop an argument, etc. I really pondered this question when my great uncle re-married. He re-married because he want someone there with him. I don't think he was in love nor is he in love now. He just wanted the opposite sex around (that's my assumption mixed with his carefully chosen words), but my goodness would you go as far as marrying a person because you want someone to take care of you? I know love can be formed in several ways mother and son, friends, but I talking about romantic/relationship love. Is it really the feeling you get in your stomach or I can't get over them, so it had to be love. I remember this one woman saying that she could not eat because she could see her ex boyfriend face in the food. I'm like WHAT TYPE OF stuff did he do to you? You see his face in your food? Something is seriously wrong with you.

I'm not sure what love is, but I do know love is long suffering, patient, and kind. With that said, I realize all of those characteristics are things you choose to be do. So is love a choice? Give me your feedback

I'm back

2006-08-12T13:42:00.000-04:00

A brother has went through. I promise, I went to hell with gasoline clothes on, but God gave me a peace of mind during the whole process. People kept asking me...how are you going to pull it off and what are you thinking, but I just wanted to let you all know I overcame everything that came my way. My faith has grown expoenentially. My character has been worked on and at the end of the day, I can say, it was good for me to suffer this summer. God has proven himself to me and I'm grateful.

What's been going on blogland? I'm schedule to move back to Atlanta, GA next week. Moving is so expensive. I will spend $2000 in no time flat. You have rent, pro-rated rent, utilities, food, etc. I really have been on the grind the pass few weeks, so my life has been pretty dull socially. I'm happy to be back and I plan on putting more effort in this blog of mine.

2006-07-24T12:36:00.000-04:00

I'm gone

I'll be back mid-August

2006-07-20T19:10:00.000-04:00

Faith

I need the:
Faith to reach the unreachable
Faith to fight the unbeatable
Faith to remove the unmovable
Faith that stands the invincible
Faith that can conquer anything

Faith that sees the invincible
Faith that expects the incredible
Faith that can conquer anything

I had my friends pray for me the other night. Check Kelly Price out on you tube she sings this too

Denial is it what the doctor ordered?

2006-07-16T23:31:00.000-04:00

Playing in the atmosphere "Purple Rain (live)"

Denial something we all criticize, but something we can't live without. We all hate those people who deny the facts. Everyone recognizes their issue, but they refuse to acknowledge it. This is not the type of denial I'm referring to. This level of denial is not good for anyone. The denial I'm referring to is acknowledging something, but not allowing your reality to consume you. We need that dose of denial from time to time. It allows us to digest things a little slower. Too many tragedies, storms, trials come our way for us to take all of them on full force. We would lose are minds. So we embrace denial by becoming overly involve to distract ourselves. We create a Superman/woman complex/persona. Nothing keeps us down, we are always fine, and we can conqueror the world. When in actually, the world has conquerored us.

Playing in the atmosphere Kirk Franklin ft. Dorinda Clark "Hero" *nice album*

This reality was all to real to me. Sunday after sleeping for 8 hours I still felt sluggish and around 4pm I got back in the. After tossing to and fro I realize I was trying to avoid one of the test that will determine if I graduate or not. The material (business finance) wasn't coming easy and I was very nervous. Monday, I took the test and it kicked my @$$ all over the classroom. Nowhere on the level I thought it would be. Heck, I was studying from the practice test, which they provided for us. Last night I was laughin with my friend who also is in the class about how hard the test was. Today, was a different story. I didn't go to school,I laid my behind around read magazines and finished up a book. I ordered these graduation invitation already and a nigga don't know if he is graduating. I'm just in limbo. Yesterday and today were my days of digesting. Tomorrow I need to come out blazing. A brother is scared. My belief in God to deliver is very shaky. I have been in this predicament before and lest say things didn't work out in my favor. Heck, I haven't been doing what I needed to do both spiritually and academically (I've put in a decent amount of work though-I've definitely tried). "Faith without works is dead"...anyway, let me go get my cape and try to do it all once again. Everyone is calling I have like 8 voice messages. Superman is on his way. This complex is what got me in this mess in the shape I'm in. Instead of taking time off when my dad passed, I grabbed my cape, took off, and saved a lot of things, but made a boo-boo all over myself. Nonetheless, here I come

Playing in the atmosphere Lisa McClendon "You're so holy"

2006-07-13T23:40:00.000-04:00

Aretha & Luther Vandross - A House is not a Home

Yeah, I'm in on of those moods. I like the other performance a little better, but this one has Aretha.

60 statements

2006-07-13T12:33:00.000-04:00

I'm holding on this week is proving to be the monster I expected. Going to bed at 4 and 5 am. I'm good though. I'll be back...this is a repost, but good stuff.

playing~freestyle by Joe Budden

1. I am an only child

2.I was born in 1983

3. I use to be conscious about being darkskin (this is a thing of the pass)

4.so much so, I stay in the house for like 2-3 weeks one summer (I was around 9)

5.I was a bully in elementary school. I was so terrible.

6.My mom transferred me in middle school and ppl tired to bully me (they couldn't move me much)

7. I've been the one of the most popular & best dressed persons in school

8.I've been the most hated in school (relates to number 6)

9.I had a temper out of this world (thank God I learned where to place/release that anger)

10.I stabbed my cousin and cause him to have lead poison

11. I use to love to fight

12. I haven't had a real fight since 8th grade (I whipped that boy @**...lol. He got one lick, when ppl were breaking it up. It's was ashame he was like 6'1 and had at least 50 lbs on me)

13.I'm 5'8

14.Some parts of my life I don't really discuss. I have yet to understand some of the periods of my life.

15.Even my closes friends think I'm mysterious and they know all of my business.

16.I use to go through small seasons of depression. (Those middle school & high school years were bananas)

17.Some people think I'm a nice guy

18.Some people think I'm confrontational

19.Some people think I'm shy

20.Some people think I'm a comedian (half of the time, I'm not trying to be funny)

21.I can be all of them.

22. Once people get to know me, they learn the thing they dis liked about me is the thing they enjoy the most.

23.I love to make people be direct with me.

24.You can't tell me nothing after getting a fresh hair cut ( I have one now)

25.I'm usually the cute one in the group (I may not be the most attractive pending what u like)

26.I think I have some narcissit moments (like my previous statement)

27.I have never drunk alcohol (well, outside of some sips of wine cooler when I was little)

28.My dad was an alcoholic. (Did I just type that)

29. I hate fake cockiness.

30.I love balanced people.

31.I can't take someone who is too much of anything

32. I smoked weed for the first time when I was 14

33.My first girlfriend took a terrible turn. (Drugs, sex, and shame)

34.I've learned some people don't want to be save.

35.I'm not the emotional type

36.I usually everyone's rock/counselor/confident

37.I hate being the good guy sometimes

38.I'm too much of a control freak to be the bad guy

39.One of my childhood friends was killed for $40 and two packs of black and mild

40.That was my reality check

41. I got saved when I was 15. I felt this tug from God since I was about 12.

42.I became spiritually unbalanced

43.I didn't listen to "secular music" for like 3 years

44.My life became church, school, and family (they weren't in church)

45.I've had some moments when I spoke propheticly

46.I had a rude awake when I was a senior in high school.

47.Everything about my spiritual life was called to question

48.I'm still not the same and some questions still remain

49.One of my best friend male got a little too "attached"

50.We didn't talk for a year

51.We are tight as ever now

52.I realize I had become too close to a friend.

53. After recognizing it it was shut down.

54.I hate and like attention.

55.Boy, can I be a slut in my mind.

56.I have a tendency to play stupid when I don't know how to respond to someone's advances.

57.I can be too cautious sometime

58.I think one of my co-workers want some

59.I was pushed on a bed by this co-worker

60.I desire to be open and let whatever love brings come. I'm afraid what may happen.

playing~"loving you"~Minnie R.

The face behind the words.

2006-07-10T00:54:00.000-04:00

"Give me face I love to shine"-Big Mike "Kryptonite

~~This week is going to be terrible!~~ This week is going to be busy, but I will rejoice and be glad in it. I should be really stressed, but I feel at easy. hhmm...this is what happens when you excersie some faith.

You know the saying "What is meant to be will be". What do you think about that? What if we possess the power to make something be or not. Not leaving it up to fate. What if we would have tried one more time? What if we would have put a little more energy into, would it have worked? Or do we hold on to this saying, which at times comes across as a cop out to me personally. Anyway, give me your thoughts.

My friends are going to be so mad at me. My phone is staying off. Straight to voicemail everyone goes...sorry guys I'll be back Sunday or so.

Update

2006-07-06T01:51:00.000-04:00

Playing~"Seven whole days"-Toni

India Arie albums debuts at #1! I'm so happy for her! I need to go get that. I've heard a few songs.
The month of July doesn't stop for me. It's crazy! Every weekend I have plans or someone has plans for me.
I have been eating like a mad man.
I'm mad about re-living apart of my life, but I'm at peace with it (kinda).
Next week is a monster...PRAY FOR ME!
I have the tendency to like and dis-like someone for the same character trait....crazy, right?
I just started paying Star Jones some attention and I like how she is dealing with a this View thing. I like to see how ppl handle controversy.
This underground rap (Plies) decided to shot up my hometown.
Have you ever met someone who was so attractive that you couldn't look them in the face?
The girl who stood me up in Atlanta called me Saturday. I gave her a good 5-10 mins, but I was at a pool party. I'm not pressed to call back.
The ex who got married and didn't invite me to the wedding...I ran into her. She wants to catch-up
Ran into my bf we are suppose to eat lunch tomorrow. That is if her husband approves. Who is also my "bf".
I have a tendency to attract people who are already attached. I don't know what's that about.

I usually give bullets, when I'm trying give a brief update.

playing~"Stranger in my house"-Tamia

My truth

Atl and the question

2006-07-03T20:29:00.000-04:00

I went to Atlanta a couple of days ago to find an apartment. I went to about 7 locations and found two that I liked. Rent $670 (1 bdr, 1 bath, 720 sq ft) and $743 (1 bdr, 1 bath, 800 sq ft)is this reasonable Atliens? I tried to find a central location in Atlanta and both location satisfied that. This trip to Atlanta was a mess! I was suppose to stay with PG, but she had to go back to Maryland for an emergency and forgot to tell me. I just crossed the Georgia state line and she calls "I completely forgot you were coming" and explains what's going on. I understood, but I wish I would have known that first. I had to get in contact with my back ups, which I didn't want to do, but I wanted to get this over with. The last person I called gave me a yes. Thank Goodness! I knew staying with him was going to be interesting, but I was ready nonetheless. On my way up, my front window gets cracked by a rock on the road. I'm thinking "is this a sign that I should be moving to Atlanta?"

I can be a hot topic (as my aunt woulds say) at times and my time in Atlanta proved that statement to be true. I stayed with my former co-worker. I have learned that "What do you get into?" has a lot behind it. I'm thinking extra-curricula and they are thinking more than my extra-curricula activities. At this point, I'm like oh Lord here we go. Inquiring minds want to know...how it's going down. He stayed at it the two days I was there. I'm assuming he was testing me. Question after question, random tatics, and random statements, which lead to some good conversation. We agreed sometimes and others we agreed to disagree. With him thinking he is Magnum P.I., I can imagine the talk at my former job. What do you think about my truth? He's straight. He talks to PG, I see them together all the time. I don't know if I would believe that just b/c he is with her. So what are you trying to say. I don't know yet. Give me some time and I will tell you. I'm sure there were a few conversations like that. how do I know? That's basically how the two days went. Questions about PG, relationships, etc. I had one weird moment at my job. I knew this guy and this girl were debating about me and they invited me over to talk (analyze) me a little more. When I get there the guy acts like he has nothing to say, which really aggravated me. I knew he was the cause of me coming over there. Cut the BS!

I'm taking my freedom (trying to)

2006-06-28T00:34:00.000-04:00

*silence in the atmosphere*

Life presents circumstances that leads us into place with limits, clouds our self-esteem, and floods our mind with doubt. So much so, our goals and dreams seem locked away from us, we question ourselves and our abilities. We are trapped in a form of bondage. Sure, you walk around freely, because this war takes place in the mind. This battle goes beyond what the human eye can see. Your friends, family nor enemies can see this. This battle is in your head, so no one can see your struggle. Oh no, my friend, this battle is between you and yourself. Despite the fact that uncertain wears you like a garment and the circumstances seem to be beyond your control. You control this battle and the victory lies within you.

*That just came off the top of my head. I guess, I should say from my heart. From out of the fullness of the heart, the mouth speaks. I have so much to say right now. Unedited my truth

Update (I'm doing just fine)

2006-06-25T00:51:00.000-04:00

Okay, a brother was a bit frustrated on the last post, but now I'm 100%. Counseled/encouraged myself, read a chapter that was applicable to my situation and ran listening to my music. Before I knew it, the sun was shining again. It was just one of those days when it rains it pours. This weekend was productive. I was proud of all the work I completed. Thursday, was my jump start on a great weekend. I got my oil changed and my next one free (they didn't meet their guaranteed time frame). I felt like such a B**** for nailing them, but not enough to miss that free oil change. I also nailed my barber. If you are going to charge $15 this is going to look as close to perfect as possible. Don't you hate when a barber messes up your edge, because it only gets worse when they try to fix it. I don't even need to mention what a hair cut does for my swagger. I had not had one in like a month and a half. I even excerised. That's something I hate doing, but I was into Thursday. With all the drama that unfolded on Thursday, I was ready for my little business/personal trip this weekend. It was what the doctor ordered. I ate, worked, and laughed the whole time.

My phone is broke, so I have to get another one. I'm trying to figure out when I'm going to Atlanta and find my apartment. Does anyone know of any good apartments? My homie, PG and I are paying phone tag. She keeps her phone on silent. WHY??? Is it just me or does Kelly R. "In love with my ex (remix)" sound better than Beyonce new single?

????????

2006-06-22T22:39:00.000-04:00

I don't understand! Can someone help me figure out the mind of God. It doesn't make sense to me! Sometimes I feel like everything is a set up. Almost a joke...you thought you had it...hahaha I was just kidding. Resting in his peace, but not pleased.

My truth Frustrated............throws up hands and publishes post

Powerful...check it out

2006-06-21T14:45:00.000-04:00

I have seen this video several times, but this time I wanted to share it with you all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnbdiww5jL0

I find it hard to say

2006-06-19T23:00:00.000-04:00

I find it hard to say:

I was at a Bar-B-Que this weekend and I found out that a girl I talked to was married. It made me feel idunno really, but it wasn't a pleasant feeling (nothing to dwell on, but an unpleasant surprise). I thought I would have received a wedding invitation or something.
I need some companionship. Where did this feeling come from..darn, darn, darn
Sometimes Christians are bigots
I should care more, but I don't ( I think my non-verbal expresses this well).
I was actually starting to heart you (you will never get the satisfaction).
You are a sorry m*****fu**** and you should resign. (I'm too compassionate).
Don't call me with more BS! (I'm on the verge)
You have f***ed up (I'm not going to state the obvious)
I have fantasize about doing that. (God help me!)

What are you finding hard to say?

Get it right, Get it tight

2006-06-17T03:34:00.000-04:00

Playing~"Never gonna let you go" by Faith Evans

Did anyone see Oprah last Thursday? Well, my mom did and called me to see it. I'm not sure what the topic was about, but I know a piece of it had to do with coming out to your parents, which lead to a very interesting convo. with my mother. She talked about this new married guy at her job who she thinks is suspect. "He loves to talk about gay this, gay that." "Something is up with that nigga." She makes sure no one takes advantage of him though. The mother on Oprah is devastated that her daughter is gay. At first, I was like what the heck is her problem. Then, I thought she feels like the dreams she had for her daughter aren't going to be fulfilled (we know this is not true). This lady was pretty pissed. I was like darn. "Mom what would you do in that situation?" Mom: "I would be pissed (she felt like the lady regarding the dreams for your child). I would go off, then realize that's your @**. "What am I mad for?" You do what you want to do." My mom tickles me (as my grandmother would say)...I was like darn! "That's your @**"..whoa. I don't know why I was surprise by my mother, she is raw like that. I tried to catch her off guard "how do you know that's their a** . " Her "Well, somebody is getting bleep." At this point, I realize there is no catching her off guard. I pulled back. The dark-skin guy from Top Model confuses her. "my truth, he is ugly." She think gay males should be attractive. I love my mom, but being PC is not here thing. She misses it

I have set up a goal that I will obtain. To obtain a home before I turn 26. I'm 22 now, but 23 is next month. This birthday sucks, nothing special about it at all. It makes me feel old...Idunno. If I want to obtain this goal, I have to get it together now. I'm a grown @** man. Not really, I have to wait until August to make that comment and have the credentials to back it up, but you know what I mean. I hope everyone knows they can get a free credit report. If you don't, please let me know. I will direct you to the website. If you are smart, you can get a free one every 4 months. Hey, some people in my family are a mess. I was relieved to find out I didn' t have any credit issues. However, I wasn't please with that score. It wasn't because I didn't pay my bills. Truth, don't play that! I haven't had that long to establish credit, but next year this time, I should be well off in the 700s. Be smart while trying to boost your score. Paying off all of your credit card debit may not do what you expect (it will not hurt you if you do). They are looking for consistency. Not how much money you make. Let me fall back, I'm not trying to be anyone's financial advisor.

Aint no feeling like being free

2006-06-17T02:33:00.000-04:00

Playing in the atmosphere:~"Do you know" by Donnie (you have to get his album)

Mood:Delightful!

I feel so good. Despite the fact I look how Christina M. must feel...BAD. {singing} I feel so so so good. Have you ever just let go of a bad habit (person or act)? If so, you know the release you feel. The habit is counter productive and it bears no fruit. When I realized I was doing it just because. It was like, I woke up..."why am I forcing this?" "It stops today." I don't know why Mr. Logic escaped me in this area. He usually sticks real close and the alarm goes off early without the option of pushing snooze.

In addition, I had a chance to talk to a friend. Confession is good for the soul. Just saying how you feel is freeing. Never underestimate the spoken word. There is a danger and a comfort with being transparent. Today, I experienced the comfort. Thanks friend

I was toiling with something...why do we pray? Outside of the reason you are suppose to. I don't like to practice useless rhetoric. God has a divine plan and what was meant to be will be, right? Then, another friend (I have great friends) says even God had to speak "let there be light" Yes, he could have willed it, but he spoken it. Me: "Hmm...great point!" "Well, I'm speaking life to some of my situations." Now, I will be a fool to think because I prayed things are going to fall out of the sky. I believe prayer open doors for us. Opportunities are afforded to us that we must actively look for "Faith without works is dead." Just food for thought

Playing~"Ye Yo" by Erykah Badu (one of her background singers does this roll in the live version that blows me)

My truth, my journey

I'm just being me

2006-06-15T23:39:00.000-04:00

In the Dell DJ:"holla at me"~DJ. Khaled

I have a tendency to get on people's nervous. Not in the agitating way, but because "you didn't do what I wanted you to do" way. I'm an only child, so the extra need for approval or fit in with my sibling(s) is missing for me. I do me. When I don't want to answer the phone, I don't. If it's important leave a message and I'll call you back at my connivance. I have one close friend who is quite demanding not only in time, but the need for you to follow his lead. I'm definitely the wrong brother for that. This is where I usually piss him off. I usually see everyone perspective and take it into consideration and provide my feedback that way. Intimidation factors don't work me, which is his tact he will employ. It usually pisses me off and causes conflict.

At this time, I have a few people how are whatever with me because I was having a good day and they wanted to give me information that wasn't positive. I was not pressed to get involved in the manner. I will get to that when I get to it. It's was not urgent. Plus, it would have messed up my whole vibe. When I went over all the information, I'm sure they didn't agree with my response. They wanted "What! I'm pissed off" and I wasn't, so why pretend? I thought some of the person concerns were valid, but their approach was terrible. I stated just that and I was done with it. Has anyone ran into this problem with friends?

Torn in between the two

2006-06-12T16:21:00.000-04:00

In the background: "Soon as I get home from work"~Babyface

I have been going through a little reflection period (nothing heavy). You know the kind...why am I thus, what is the truth...basically, self evaluation. I'm finding that the truth is relative to everyone and limited to their perception. If one perceives something to be untrue, they have a hard time participating in something that doesn't agree with their personal truth. It doesn't make sense to them. Thus, their belief in that reality dwindles down or they continue with the emotional baggage. For example, people who are Christians. Some people who are Christians may not agree with the doctrine of some pastors. Consequently, they will discontinue their membership at that church or change their beliefs all together. For those who don't change their beliefs or membership they run into a problem of being torn. They are constantly torn between what they feel is true and what they have been taught to be true, which also influences their perception heavily. Agree or disagree with the relativity of truth and how perception limits one's truth.

Give me your thoughts.

In the background: "What if"~ Babyface

lyrics

2006-06-09T05:04:00.000-04:00

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?If you are not mine then why does your heart return my callIf you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings But I know you are here with me nowWe'll make it through And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understandIf I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away But I know that this much is trueWe'll make it through And I hope you are the one I share my life withAnd I wish that you could be the one I die withAnd I pray in you're the one I build my home withI hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understandIf I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I amIs there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath awayAnd I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or rightAnd though I can't be with you tonightAnd know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understandIf I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I amIs there any way that I

~Daniel Bedingfield "If you're not the one"

2006-06-08T00:14:00.000-04:00

In the background~"Never Love Again"-Anthony H.

Today, I felt like I was slowly being drained. I think because I made a statement to myself and later faltered on it. Not only did I falter, I consciously did it. Of course, it was not worth it. Usually, you have the delayed...."Why did I do that s**t". There was no delay in my regret. If anything I had a pre feeling. (NO I DIDN'T HAVE SEX!) Right now, I feel something I usually don't feel...Needy. Mr. My Truth, needs someone to hold him down. I need to feel that embrace that makes you feel protected when you are completely vulnerable. You are pouring out all that you are (good and bad) and it's been being absorbed with gladness. I better be over this by tomorrow. I don't have time for this emotional crap. I have too much crap to do. I actually have a test tomorrow. Why am I still taking test? This school stuff is suppose to be over.

Extra tidbits

The yota (my car) will have it's a/c back. Thank God riding around with out an a/c is terrible (1.5 year). You can't be fly sweating and crap. Knowing ppl who can work on cars is a blessing. Toyota wanted to charge me $788.83. My mom found someone who could do it for $340. Turns out I didn't need all of the work they suggested. How am I going to find these ppl in Atlanta?
I received a rebate from Comcast! Pay ME! My first bill was $223. Boy, this money is coming back in time. A brother is living off saving until I move back to Atlanta.
Freak I need a date! A brother needs some conversation. My friends aren't doing it for me. Actually, they are getting on my nerves. I have an issue. I have the perpotency to not do people on almost every level. I think I will blog about that issue. It's a concern of mine.

In the background~"a house isn't a home"-Aretha F. (she sung the crap out of this)

Me and this beautiful Blog of mine

2006-06-03T02:36:00.000-04:00

I'm a little upset. This blog has not turned into the catharsis that I desire it to be. Originally, I made a blog just to do something. Then, I thought this would be a great way to document my life. I didn't (still don't) proof or edit much at all. Then, I wanted comments (never got that...lol), but recently (like a month or two ago) I wanted this blog to be more personal. I write about things that are rather personal on here (especially, when I first started), but there are somethings I really want to write about, but I cannot. Putting up those darn pictures (I enjoyed your comments though) and telling some friends about the blog prevents me. Yes, sometimes I want to blog about y'all behinds. Despite the fact, I tell y'all just about everything. I want to beable to say it like I want without worrying about somebody's feelings. Maybe, it's for the best.

This date, two years ago, I received a called it was 3:30 am and I was at my aunt's house. This call would change my life forever. The previous day I drove down to Tampa to watch my father die. I refused anyone's assistance. I wanted to go alone. I remember standing by the bed and telling him "I'll be fine You can go now" My father and I had not spoken in 2 or 3 years. However, his passing sent me into a spiral, that took me a year and a half to come out of. I never had to deal with death/lost/goodbye before. My strength became my weakness. My superman complex worked against me this time. This truth was I wasn't fine and I didn't know how to grieve. However, I put on my cape and did my best to be superman. For the most part, I was superman still. President of this, director of that, mcnair scholar, etc. Yet, I was broken, scared, wounded. However I can say today I'm healed! I may have some scars, but I'm heald!

I want to go back

2006-05-31T23:29:00.000-04:00

Music: So Gone-Monica

Mood:Good (I really want to dance)

I want to go back y'all:

I want to go back to the days when we did not know what a bill was.

I want to go back to the days when our main concerns were how fly we were going to look on the first day of school.

I want to go back to the days when one of the first things I did in the summer was put my mom's 10 in' speakers and dance with my cousin(s)

I want to go back to the days when I did not feel the pressure of everyone's expectation.

I want to go back to the days when the choices I made little impact on my future.

I want to go back to the days when you and a friend had the "BIGGEST" fight and forgot about it in 30 mins.

I want to go back to the days when flirting was all it was.

I want to go back to the days when everyone else paid for everything.

I want to go back to the days when the biggest disappointed was people thinking your ideal to entertain everyone was stupid.

It's funny, when I had these days, I fantasize about my current age. Well, being grown aint all it's cracked up to be. I guess there is no happiness anywhere...lol. What do you want to go back to?

Playing:"Doormat"-Mint Condition

Why am I just starting to get productive at 11:00pm? Let me keeping going while the juices are flowing. Back to work!

Someday we will all be free

2006-05-28T18:31:00.000-04:00

Silence is in the background

Mood:chillin'

This weekend has been quite eventful. Thursday and Friday I really enjoyed me. Not really answering calls, just sitting, reading, thinking and I enjoyed every minute of it. I'm an only child, so I need at least one day out of the week to just be with myself.

Well, Saturday comes myself and several other family members decide to pick up a few dollars and work for my aunt and her husband. We are working and the pay is not matching the labor, so people start grumbling and I knew things had the potential to get explosive. Sure enough, there was an altercation and the place was turned out. So much so, one of my aunts had to be escorted off the premises. I missed all of that and I'm happy I did. I have overcome my temper, but I can't take a lot of commotion all at once because it sneaks me and somebody ends up with more than they desired. People are pretty much over it now, but there are still some words that will be said to both my aunt and her husband. Lawd, bless my aunt she tries her best to stay out of it because she is screwed if she speaks either way.

Later that night my mother and I talked about some of everything. We discussed everything from family secrets, her personal secrets, sexuality, and God. Some of the secrets my mother revealed scared me, hurt me, and piss me off. Now I have to carry this crap to my grave. I'm my mother's outlet, so I get a lot, but last night may have been too much. Some of the secrets blew me away. I felt like Milkman from Song of Solomon. I just finished Song of Solomon by the way. The thought has entered my several times to write a book about my mother and her life. She could definitely get a full day on Oprah. Sometimes I look at her, her mother, and her sisters and I wonder how they overcame. No doubt they are scared, bruised and effected to this very day, but they overcame and they are glad about it. I think about some of the things I have been through and some of it is day time television worthy or at least a few pages in a magazine...lol. Some of the stuff I'm just learning to appreciate those incidents made me ME! Never underestimate the human spirit, I guess.

I'm enjoying being home, but I do realize my season here is coming to a close. In august, I'll be back in Atlanta starting my job and trying to establish things there. I was there for two months and was out of the loop. Trying to re-establish another social network is going to be something. I'm so accustom to things like they are, but when I look around they have changed too. I'm certain to find more of my truth on this journey.

"Some day we will be free"-Donny spoke the truth

short vent

2006-05-24T23:40:00.000-04:00

Playing~"Love It"-Bilal

You know people piss me off (some silly things):

Selfish bastards
People who play videos on their blog automatically
People who hold the door when you are a mile away, then you have to run to the door.
Someone who is always going through something and complain about it. SHUT UP!!!! WE ALL GOING THROUGH SOMETHING!
People who just don't have their stuff together all the way around. We all have opportunities, but darn!
Men who are mad at you b/c their girlfriend or friend likes you

Okay, I'm over it!!!! Just let it out real quick. What are you mad about?

(un)Easy conversation (repost)

2006-05-22T01:38:00.000-04:00

Something happen to me while in Atlanta and it made me think of this post and my thoughts on this topic. Back when people actually read my blog, this post received a lot of responses.

"She is a beautiful women. Any man in his right man would be attract to her.....You mean to tell me that you never saw a guy and said he was a good looking guy? NAAWWL, women talk like that. Never? I mean, I saw Billy D. Williams in Lady Sings the Bluest and said he was a cool dude, I was like that's a cool dude." Halle Berry & Eddie Murphy conversation in Boomerang
This brings me to my blog topic.....Male-to-male conversation. I was not aware that given another male a blatant compliment was an unspoken law amongst men. This law was introduced to me when I was in middle school. Six or seventh grade to be exact. We were all getting in line to get our food out of the cafeteria. And someone thought this dude gave another dude a compliment, which cause him to defend his masculinity for all it was worth. He gets loud and ignorant saying "What? That is so gay. What do I look like giving that man a compliment? Do I look gay?" Apparently, he didn't because that ended the accusation of him giving another guy a compliment. I was standing there observing the whole thing. A question came to my mind, what does giving a compliment to another guy has to do with your sexual orientation? I was a little confused. We do know when someone is ugly, right? Consequently, we know when they are handsome, right? I grew up around mostly women, so I never really paid this any attention, but trust I made a mental note not to compliment anyone of the same sex. I never did before, but I made a conscious decision not to. After all, I didn't want to be accused of being gay. But the question still remains, how does complimenting someone tell you about their sexuality? Women do it all the time. "Girl you look good?" Well, I wasn't asking, but I had a clear understand that your androgen level was definitely called into question if you did.

"Nothing even matters"~Lauryn Hill & D'angelo

Until this day, I don't have a concrete answer of why statements of this nature are so detrimental to your sexual orientation. Again, women give each other compliments all the time. Shoot! They talk about each others @$$es, breast, thighs-you get the point. Rather or not I understand it completely I definitely abide by the rules. You DON'T give blatant compliments. You say something is cool, tight, cold, mean, fresh, fly, whatever. And the compliment is never direct, it's always about an item they have on or that belongs to them. If a guy called another guy fine or something to that effect, I could understand the eyebrows raising (for the most part). That definitely implies something, but does it mean that this person is gay? After reading all these books women are like H-to the YEAH!

I just find male-to-male conversation so interesting. I am a male myself and I'm puzzled from time-to-time. I'm like darn, when did we get this insecure. However, I have been guilty of this myself, so I can't talk too much. However, I'm not like some of these guys. There has been many times when guys say something to or about another male in a complimentary way, but they give like 5 disclaimer concerning that sexuality before they say it (the compliment that is). I find it somewhat puzzling. That makes me question it...what are u so afraid of? So a straight male can become a gay male in an instant if he gives another male a compliment? That's what we are implying essentially. Give me your feedback?

Windows media player is currently playing: "I just want you around"~Lauryn Hill

Extras:

I'll post about my Atlanta trip in a day or so. I'm finally getting my real internet back. No more dial up...high speed (Wed)!!!
I don't need to get a job because I have a few things I need to focus on, but I have to get one. I'm determine to pay tithe and my bills ON TIME after or before those payout a brother will be....challenged in the finance department. What is a brother to do?! Get a job..I guess
"Wedny williams: Queen [latifiah] there are a lot of question concerning your sexuality, some gray areas, would you like to clear it up?"
Queen: "Nawl, let it stay gray" .....this was some funny stuff. I thought her response was Great! I love to see ppl carry on

This lady has been defending her sexuality her whole career. She is officially over it! "Let it stay gray" I thought that was the comedy for you butt. I for people to be upfront and fine with however you perceive their answer.

"water"~Lauryn Hill

As usual no proffing, so hopefully it's readable

My life

2006-05-18T14:33:00.000-04:00

You know I hate when my life is in someone's hands other than my own. I hate the waiting to see if I'm worthy of your approval. Okay, I'm going to pull off that.

Please give me your feedback on the question I ask at the end of this post.

The celebration is now over. It's back to my usual life. I'm home (Florida) and I realize these people are still the same or have gotten worst.
Case 1:
I look in the MOST WANTED paper only to find my female cousin is in their for domestic violence with a deadly weapon. I'm like OMG!!! She has always been one of the extreme cases in my family when it comes to violence. Most of the women and the men in my family fought in their earlier years(~25 and younger), but I think she takes the cake. She did teach me how to carry blades and stuff like that, but I thought at the age of 27, she would be over it. I was wrong. Not only did they place her in the paper, she was on the news. I was like oh my goodness, this is the horrible.
Case 2
A girl we grew up with also is all over the news. This fool is stealing like nobody business. She was a little order than myself, so I know of her, but my cousin hung with her all the time. She has always stole, so this no surprise. The level of stealing she is doing is the surprise.

Everyone else is doing what they have always been doing. My favorite cousin(Thug Misses) is still her crazy self. I don't know why she referrs to herself as Thug misses, because there is little thug appeal to her. She has never fought anyone, quite, and she's not involved in any type of criminal activities. The boys lover her. She appears to be rather carefree when it comes to them though. Thus, someone is always ready to kick her butt over their crush or boyfriend, which the boys always deny their involvment with the other lady. Most recent encounter, this pass Saturday. She surprises a guy at his party and another girl shows up. She doesn't care, he isn't her boyfriend, but the guy makes the biggest makes. He kisses her and the girl who thinks she is his girlfriend throws a fit. She tells me the story and I'm rolling on Sunday.

Nothing is going on with me; I'm just relaxing and reading. I picked up The Pact, Song of Solomon, Your Blues Ain't Like Mine, and Uncle Tom's Children. Money is like a vapor, you see and then you don't. I may have to pick of some part-time job to cover everything.

Question Time:
What would you say if you best friend told you they loved you? However, they don't want to be with you in a sexual way. They love you and would like to be with you, but not really. They just don't want anyone else to have you. Strange, right...give me your feedback

update

2006-05-15T12:12:00.000-04:00

Darn it!! One of you bloggers have messed me up big time! Y'all can't give me all of that. My imagination has ran away from me. LAWD JESUS!

Mother day was nice, I celebrated with my mother on Friday. They were having this big dinner at our house on Sunday, so we celebrated early. The conversation went something like this on Friday.

Me:"okay, I don't have any money, so the best thing I can do for you is take you out to eat."

Mom:"It's the thought that counts. You could have gotten me a card."

Me:"Yeah, so y'all can talk about me later. Where do you want to go?"

We enjoyed ourselves this weekend. Everyone was enjoying themselves. My cousin turned 16 Sunday, so we celebrated that too. It was so interesting to see the different types of love. One guy is still in love with my aunt. They haven't been together for 16+ years, but he still wants here. He is willing to relocate and everything. She is like uummhhhmmm...they dated for like 7 years, but she is not giving him nothing now. I'm like dang. I think I'm going to blog about my aunts they are so much apart of who I am. When I saw my aunt I thought about Grey's Anatomy. They asked a question "scared or damaged" I thought that question was deep to ask someone. Most likely, we are both.

quick update

2006-05-09T15:17:00.000-04:00

I have had a blast! I have been enjoying family and friends all weekend long. I went to 3 graduation ceremonies; I'm so proud of my brothers. Cum Laude, Sigma Cum Laude, Outstanding student, Hall of Fame, etc. It was amazing! My home town will never be the same for me. My old friends are God knows where and the ones I acquired during college are leaving. Atlanta is where I will re-establish everything. I was quite the socialite this weekend. I was everywhere and my threads were hurting them all weekend long. "People wondering why I'm so fly"...lol.

There is always a fly in the oil! I have one issue that is hovering over me and I thought it would have been settled by now. Inspite of that, I have been having a grande time. I choose not to stress. What was meant to be will be! It's nothing I can do to make it better. I'm finally getting out of that mentality of "if I'm super good, I'm going to get divine favor". I still believe things work out better if you are in his will. However, God does what he wants to do and whatever he sees fit, that is what I will accept.

repost...good one

2006-05-03T15:49:00.000-04:00

This post is a repost! I'm moving back home today. Just for a minute and I'll be back. when I come back in Aug. I need to be ready to have a good time

Kissing Game

My best female friend and I kissed. Yep, I stole a kiss from her. I didn't find her attractive, but it was time for me to kiss someone, so I did. I slide it in by talking about something my older cousin did and said they did it like this. BAM! I kissed her. Do you know this girl waited until a lot of our friends were around to bring it back up. I got so mad, I snatched half of the zillions of beads she had in her head out. I got my behind beatLesson: Make sure the person you do anything with understand the terms of the interaction(s). Be prepared for whatever you do to come back up...think about that before you do it.

I betcha you want.....This is a funny lesson and proves you can learn from anything. I was around 9 and in my neighborhood I had developed a reputation of never being scared. Basically, I was a fool. However, I was convinced I had to keep it real. Anytime you wanted me do something, make it seem like I was afraid of doing it. I have step to five dudes daring them to fight, cuss out everything from adults to bus drivers, but this dare I really regret. For some reason people use to jump off the second floor of our buildings and one day someone dared my behind to jump off. I was like nawl man, I'm not going to do that junk. I may hurt myself. Then, they were like what you scared? Nawl, I aint scared, I'm just not going to do it. Nawl, nigga you scared. Who? I aint scared. Well, a few mins. later my behind is trying to jump off the 2nd floor with flip flops on. Next thing you know I'm dangling from a stair case and one of my flip flops have fallen off. I'm yelling like a fool and I can't pull myself up because of how the stair case is design. People are coming out of their house trying to figure out what's wrong. No one really could help me, so I had to jump down. My feet were hurting for the rest of the day, but them dudes could never say I was too scared.

Lesson: Sometimes keeping it real is not the best thing for your being. If someone dares u to do something and they won't do it themselves first DON'T DO IT!

Okay, you either have a friend or you are the friend that never fights, but talks a lot of mess, but never does anything. Well, my homeboy from my childhood was the one in the crew. He had to cry and get really upset to fight someone and he was the pretty (really high yellow, hazel eyes, etc), so you know he was the easy target. He actually had a decent hand game, but he was scary. Well, our 8th grade year this dude and his friends decided to try him. They bullied him all the way home. I'm standing at the gate and I see the tears and I go off. I know you didn't let these niggas try u like that blah, blah. I change close looking to beat some bleep (can't mess up your good stuff..lol). Every since that day, me, dude, and his whole crew had beef. My homeboy who got bullied became friends with dude. I ended up fighting one of the dudes ( I whipped his behind..he got one lick and that was because he stole me when people were pulling me off him) and we've been enemies since (aint that some mess). Haven't seen each other in awhile, but it's not worth anything now.Lesson: Don't take on people's personal problems. A lot of times you care more than they do. You up worried, they are sleep. HECK NAWL!

Boys Don't Cry (flashback)
Ummm...my mom was a stolid person. She brought me things to prove her love. Man, I had everything(clothes, every game, pool table, etc). She was tough-"I aint going to raise no punk". Those words sit in my memory to this day I was around 10. I was crying about something that she felt wasn't noteworthy. I remember running away from her thinking I'm not going to shed another tear (crying is for b****es). I learned crying was weak and boys/men are strong. Since then, I've learned how to turn my emotions on and off. Thus, I don't get attached easily and some ppl who want a lot of emotions out don't get them.

Lesson: Being all emotional is for women or the weak. This was a bad lesson and unfortunately every relationship I had and will have will face this challenge. I'm more liable to be attached and venerable with my friendships than relationships. I'm starting to balance out more and more.

When it all falls down I transferred from one middle school to another. My mom took me out of my previous middle school in the middle of the year (BIG MISTAKE). She was tried of my behavior and grades. I was really trying to thug it out then. I was telling teachers to shut up, getting subpar grades, fighting (just a few she never knew-shhh. She encouraged one fight-so hood, I know). She couldn't take it anymore! She was tired of beating me and I was tired of getting beat. She use to whup my behind my aunt occasionally had to stop her (she whipps ***). When I started going to my new middle school I went from being pretty popular at my initial school to a ladies man (that never happen before). The guys hated me. I was always popular everywhere I went. If you didn't like me, that meant I was bulling you or something ( I remember starting a mini-racial fight in elementary school. I had black kids whipping the fool out of these white kids), but I was generally a good guy and every loved me. In a matter of a week and a half I was the mosted hated. The previous week I was a cool with the "popular dudes". What happen? Jealousy. I was new, the girls liked me, and the dudes turned against me. Spreaded rumors like crazy. People who didn't know me were bumping me, giving me attitude. Normally, I wouldn't have taken this bleep, but I was new and I didn't know anyone (outside of my cousin(a girl) who got transferred too). They tried to jump me several times, but it never happen (they wanted to see if I was a punk). I showed little weakness. my response was always-do what you gotta do). I ate alone, they even tried to gleek (a form of spitting) on me, couldn't do PE (physical ed), b/c they kept stealing my clothes, it was bad. I tried to fight one of them when I saw them by themselves, but he was a punk. He was nothing by himself. It got to the point that I learned how to carry blades and I started carrying them just in case something jumped off. I was going to fugged one of them up good. The next school year the zoning changed for schools and a few of my friends came to that school. People who hated me the previous year, were trying to be buddy-buddy.
Lesson: People are like elevators they can take you up and they can take you down (if you let them). This taught me how to stand on my own. This is one of the most influential periods in my identity of self. My circles of friends became smaller and being popular was no longer a priority.

Speak to my heart
On new years eve 1999 a friend of mine was killed. Essentially, he died for a packet of black and milds, $40, and someone's ego. My cousin and I thought to ourselves it's time for us to get our lives together. We may not have as much time as we think before we see God. So we made a pact that we would do it together. I went to church the next Sunday she misses that service. The preacher does the altar call and I feel it all in my chest, but I wait (this man had me in tears almost). My cousin and I had a pact. The next Sunday same thing, this time I go up there by myself. I didn't feel anything, but I knew I had just made a serious decision.

Lesson: Things aren't what they look like. His demise was my redemption. In addition, just because you don't feel or see something initially that doesn't mean nothing has occurred.To be continued...............

It's my anniversary

2006-04-30T17:48:00.000-04:00

It's been a year! I can't believe it, I kept up with this blog for a year. This has outlasted any dating relationship I have ever had. That's really a sad comment. I usually get bored with things so quickly. I have gotten bored with this a few times, but it withstood the test of time.
It's just good to see others opinions of your life. I'm going to do some reposting through out this week. Most of you all haven't read any of these entries, this should be interesting getting you alls feedback.

Playing~"Hands of God"~Anointed Pace Sisters

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Can't get no satisfaction

India Arie~Purify

Me, I can't get no satisfaction! At one point, I was so pleased with not moving and just enjoying the simple things in life. That feeling was over a 1.5 week ago. I have always been face with this issue of not being able to be satisfied. Nothing can keep me entertained and interested for long. This has been a problem ever since I was a child. My mom use to buy me the video games and stuff as a source of entertainment. Hey, I was an only child..she had to do something. Well, after two months or so of those games I was be done with them. I'll get another video game and that will keep me entertained for two weeks or so. Essentially, those toys and games were more entertaining for my friends and cousins. I remember telling my mother after she brought me a game gear (sidenote: I was the only dude in my projects to have that. I was the man darn it!) I was like mom...don't buy me anymore video games I don't play with them much and they cost too much money.Not only was I like that with video games I was like that with dating.

This girl who was kinda like my second real girlfriend at the time...Idunno if I can call her that. Back to the story, she had been trying to get at me for awhile and I was trying to be on that mack daddy stuff playing around like I was the bleep. Finally, we starting dating...and guess what I get tired of her. It was kinda monotonous. Plus, I didn't like the feeling of being obligated to someone. I don't owe you anything, so after about 3 months I dropped her on our way from my 1st or 2nd period.

The funny thing is, I don't face this issue with my friends...I'm loyal to them. Unless they violate me on more than one occasion in a BIG way. I think one of the major problems with my dissatifcation is my outlook on life. I am an idealist. I want things to be ideal. I have big dreams and I actually expect them bear fruit and most of the time, they don't. The dreams aren't unrealistic, but they're a little to close to being perfect-why can't my stuff line up! AArrrgghh. I do what I can and I expect things to line up, because that's howit works, right? It's like you know that you encompass greatness, but for some freakin' reason it will not come to fruition...what is that all about! So a brother is frustrated right now. I'm just aggravated all the way around. No job, No relationship, spiritually feel okay-nothing special, I guess that's my fault (anything good is God, anything not so good it's you). However, I have not been spending much time with him, so I guess I shouldn't expect anything great.

Yes, sometimes I have beef with my beliefs, but it also brings me so much joy and sureness ( I can't explain it). I'm not referring to church, which is good too, but I talking about the personal relationship with God-spending time in his presence. It's such a complicated relationship though or maybe it's just my age and where I am. The bible talks about us dying daily and taking up our cross and following him. So our goal is to be an imitators of Christ. So anything that we desire that doesn't align itself with following him must die. I'm at the age now where I want to explore from time to time. However, I don't think I would feel comfortable exploring. My beliefs have been guide for the last 6 years, so most things that seem alright with ppl and alright with my personal truth may not be alright the God. Thus, my personal truth gets push to the side and what God wants takes center stage. I'm not basing any of this on what someone preached to me. I'm basing this on what I've read in his word (the bible) for myself. Jeez..I went on a rant for a second. The bottom line is I can't get no satisfaction.

I'm frustrated....I wanna bust a nut, but I can't. No, I can't masturbate...that would fall under the category of lusting. Unless you know of another way to get hard, stay hard, and not imagine someone or some act to get you excited. I want to party with my friends and act a fool with no second thought. I just want to explore period. Sorry, rant started again...I've hit on everything...excuse me a brother is getting a little emotional, but he's frustration. Actually, I've been a little emotional all week. I think it has something to do with my father passing almost a year ago (june 4th-1 year)...I can't even go there now. Maybe I just need to sit down and really do some studying of my bible and some prayer, because I'm tripping.

*What do you do when you're too big for where you are, but not ready or possibly afraid of what's to come?

*India Arie~Slow Down is good for me right now. Oh don't sleep on Kem-he is the truth.

"How can I give someone space and time when that's how I feel"~Nikki giovanni

2006-04-26T21:17:00.000-04:00

playing-"solid as a rock" sizzla

I'm always living for tomorrow is starting to piss me off. It's a good thing to be prepared for the what ifs, but darn. If I keep doing that, I want experience anything in Atlanta. I have been increasing stand offish. I don't know what's going on with that. When I went out of town this weekend I was called out on it. I don't know what's going on with me.

playing -"because of you" Kelly Clarkson

I accepted the offer. They pushed us against the wall with the acceptance though. I really didn't appreciate that. I will let that be known. "It's that one person at your job that is this close to get their @** beat". I'm on that tip. These ppl are crazy as all get out. This chick ran up on me when I came down the elevator. I tried to calm her down, but she wanted to stick with the confrontation. I was telling my co-worker ealier that morning these ppl are crazy and from this moment on, I'm going to make examples out of people. She was number 1. She left humbled. I don't know why these people keep coming at me like that. I set myself up though. I usually let people know from the beginning to back up, but with this job I was trying to be the nice guy from Florida. That worked against me

Funny how the tables turn

2006-04-24T22:11:00.000-04:00

Silence

I notice something special the other day. I saw my cousin adopted daughter fall. As any 1 year old would, she began to cry. My cousin turns around acknowledges that she fell by brushing her off and she went back to what she was doing. As soon as the baby was acknowledge she stop crying. She stop even before she was brushed off. Then, it hit me. Adults are so much like babies. Sometimes we just need to be acknowledge. Nothing special just being recognize for who we are and our current condition is enough. When we are not acknowledge we cry out. We become moody, attention seekers, lonely, etc. I realize more and more that I just need to be acknowledge. I have not cried out yet, but I see minor symptoms.

I went home and I felt so much love there. My family, my friends, my church everything was wondeful. I didn't get to spend much time with anyone in particular, but just being acknowledged, my presence being appreciate felt wonderful. There is no dobut that Atlanta is great, but I have no connection to the city at all. It's causing me to want to cry out. I never thought I would miss home. I was so ready to go. It's too small. I need something great, but I found out everything I wanted was and is right there.

life

2006-04-17T00:35:00.000-04:00

"Surprise"
I went out a few nights ago and I won't forget this night. It was with someone I least expected. Wait, let me clean that up. I was expecting to meet up with him because I haven't seem him in awhile, but I wasn't expecting to enjoy him like I did. I think I make them a little insecure. He put words in my mouth. He finds my lack of experience and "liberation" funny. Everything about me is funny to him. I'm like this is me. I'm about tired of you laughing at me. Apparently, I come across stand offish. I give off that I don't trust you vibe. If you say so....uumm, maybe. It was good catching up.

Playing~"Love" Musiq

"Things aren't what they seem"
I have been beating myself up lately about my current. Techincally, I'm an intern. I will see if I'm full hire this week. We have our evals Tuesday. I still felt crummy about this whole situation. I'm like I deserve better. what that is? I don't know. We already discuss that. Anyway, I was comparing myself to one of my friends, which I always advise people to never do (I have a saying I go by and all. It's easier to give advice sometime). I'm thinking she is living it up with this job. I knew her location sucked, but "she has it going on". I couldn't have been more wrong. She has been battling depression and everything. Once again never compare! Everyone has their own cross to carry.

Edit:
I got an offer. I want to negotiate. I don't know how good my leverge is?

perplexed

2006-04-10T18:57:00.000-04:00

playing "my wife and kids"

I hate that I have showed my face on here, I can't just talk about anything on here. I don't want to piss off someone I may know. I can't discuss anything concerning them even if it involves them. I can't even share my personal business, that's not theirs. With that being said, I'm going to talk about my surface/just below the service.

play~"They Reminisce over you"-C.L. smooth

I feel ashamed. I'm a grown man (22 y/0) and I don't know what I want to do career wise. This is ridiculous! I blame the school system and I'm being serious. I went to a research school (research 1 to be exact) and my major was business. Everyone knows any school with that ranking gives you little to no practical experience. I enrolled in a few shadow programs to help you figure out what you want to do. Everytime they couldn't find a business person for me. I ended up with a doctor one time. I'm thinking about enrolling into school again. Everyone knows how burntout I was concern school, so you know I'm in bad shape. I'm not a fan of the internship program I'm in. I'm like this can't be it; however, it just might be the thing that carries me over. All of my school activities involved program planning, so I thought maybe I should be an event planner or something like that, but I don't know how to get involved with something like that. I tried monster, which further confirmed I didn't know what I wanted to do.

playing~good times

Sex!!! Okay, everyone knows I'm waiting, right. Marriage is a sacred thing, but this is not working. You know you don't suppose to do anything. Kissing passes, but anything beyond that, you are setting yourself up to fail. FREAK THIS!!!!! This sex thing entails so much. Yeah, I can't even go there.

I haven't been to church in a month. I work on Sunday's now. I need to go somewhere. If it's just for the fellowship.

Playing "Everyday I'm hustlin'" Rick Ross

It was all a dream

2006-04-09T00:09:00.000-04:00

As children we have dreams and never does the thought enter our minds of any of those dreams being deferred or denyed. As we grow older we disillusion ourselves to think of the unobtain dreams as just that, a child dream. How are your childhood dreams coming along?

I have been working like a fool.... sigh. A lot is going on, but can't blog about it.

Playing~"I get out" Lauryn Hill

" Where's the passion in this living"

2006-04-02T22:58:00.000-04:00

playing~Grey's anatonmy

So much has went on in the pass week or so. I finally went out. A co-work and myself finally took on the night. We went to Apache' Cafe. I went on the wrong night. I'm not the biggest hip-hop fan, so what made it worst was it was a freestyle night. I wasn't impressed, but I will go again on a different night. I must admit this guy was off the chain there. He called the A out hard. I don't know where he is from.

I tried to test my old track skills out and I can't believe it. I busted my butt. I ate the track up. I have war wounds. Okay, I'm really tired. peace

Things that make u go hhhmmm

2006-03-20T16:51:00.000-05:00

Now Playing~"Just Mary"-Mary J. blige

Everyone who knows me, know that I am pretty accepting of everyone. Do you for Christ sake! That doesn't mean I'm going to be in your corner, but it does mean that I feel like you can express yourself without me trying to change that. I said all that to give you all this story.

"Where I am from if you are like that you don't tell anyone."
This guy who I had to work with made that comment about the gay males in Atlanta. I myself haven't really been out much, but it does seem to be more homosexuality here across the board. I original thought he made this comment because of his religious beliefs. He made mention of a singles conference a few times before he made that comment. When he said this I must admit I was a bit taken back, because he did fit several stereotypes of a gay male (I use the word stereotype purposefully). stereotypes such as using his hands to talk, adding an s to just about everything, limp wrist. He was like Tyler Perry in character (don't get distracted I know ppl have opinions about him). Well, my original thought of it being a religion issue was shot down when I heard this.

"They both want to do it, but they want me involved"
He was referring to a threesome. I was like WHAT! This guy just came from a singles conference and he is talking about having a threesome. Grant we all have experience a moment of temptation after church. Shoot while you were in church, but I'm sure we shot it down. Well, some of us anyway. Okay, back to my point, he just bashed gay people, but he is talking about threesomes and carrying on. It doesn't stop there

"I go to strip clubs for the music"
WHAT! He knows the strip clubs in Atlanta very well per his words. I'm sorry if you every catch me in a strip club(u won't), I'm not there for the music. I'm there to see the dancers dance. There is a lot of stuff to be said here, but I must move on because guess what there is more.

"I can't wait until I get off so I can get me something to drink"
You guessed it folks, he isn't talking about kool-aid. He is talking about alcohol. This border alcoholism to me. Why? It was like 11am. "You can drink if it's after 12pm anywhere in the world." In his defense he doesn't drink every day per his words.

"Judge not unless you be judge in the same manner" Okay, folks give me your feedback on this gentlemen. I have a few opinions here, but I want yours.

*I'm writing my post several days ahead and publishing them later.* Work is terrible, this schedule is not allowing me to explore the city really.

Never satisfied

2006-03-15T20:51:00.000-05:00

"My truth this is it...what is your problem"-reality check (my friend)

I know I just made this post about being content, but this week and some parts of last week. I was like what the bleep. After having that internal frustration that you generate within your mind because a fallacy that you create is not coming true. I think my major problem is I brought into the illusion. The more you experience, the more you realize nobody or nothing owes you anything. Even if you feel like you do everything right. Stuff happens right?

Sometimes you have to realize you are blessed. I wanted to move to Atlanta, Ga, but I won't come without a job. Well, I have both and guess what. I had complaints. I'm subleasing and I'm hating the place. The location is awesome, but the place arrgghh. I got a job. It's not ideal, so I was pissed about that. I was like I hate it! I can't have fun because I'm people challenged (only know a few people and they don't know nothing) and I keep getting lost. I was getting frustrate with my answered prayer. Then, I realize I needed to shut up! I'm blessed! In everything give thanks

Ran into an old associate and I had a great time. He is a riot. I enjoyed myself. The universe will bring whatever you want to you. You want to be pissed about everything, it will give you more things to be pissed about and vice versa

Playing~"under the bridge"-Red Hot Chilli Peppers

WHAT!

2006-03-13T22:18:00.000-05:00

Playing"Never gonna let you go"-Faith Evans

Mood: refreshed (took a nap)

Where do I start? First day at work....LAWD HAVE MERCY! I'm looking dumb in the face. If you tell me 40 hours a week, that means 9-5 M-F. Well, these sons of a guns include weekends in the 40 hours...wtbleep. My friends are schedule to come this weekend and we were suppose to take over the city. They will be on their own most of the time, these people have me working. I haven't told them yet, they are going to flip. THIS IS PURE EVIL! How am I suppose to enjoy the A and I'm working all type of funky hours. I expected to work some strange hours sometimes, but not often. The other intern was freaked out too. Well, this schedule is just random as all get out. I got something for that though....my resume will be going out soon.

Okay, I'm having an issue. What's going on with married folks? I know two of my friends who are dealing with a married person. They are backing off, because it is clearly going in the wrong direction. Heck, I could end up in the same situation if I'm not carefully. However, I refuse to be tacky, I know how to ignore people. MARRIED FOLK GET IT TOGETHER!

There has to be a wal-mart here. I can't keep going to Morrow, Ga to get my low prices. What is this all about? Someone help me out! The social scene in Atlanta.....where is it? I don't know where to go or nothing. HELP! Well, I've learned about a few food places from a blogger, but I want to know about the poetry, comedy clubs...can a brother get a grown and sexy lounge spot.

My lunch date stood me up. She didn't even call me back when I called. That's weird because she is usually the one who hits me up. Just when I thought I was winning. Alright folks (well, whomever reads now...my readship has hit a all time low.)

"You got me waiting"~Fantasia

I will get there

2006-03-12T13:33:00.000-05:00

Edit:Boyz II Men~"I will get there"
I've been wanderin' 'round in the dark Been lost somewhere where no light could shine on my heart I have known a pain so deep But I know my faith will free me [Get there] And I'll get through this [Get there] I'll find my way again So don't tell me that it's over 'Cause each step just gets me closer (I will get there) I will get there (I will get there) I will get there somehow Cross that river (Cross that river) Nothing's stoppin' me now I will get through the night (Oh, yes, I will) And make it through to the other side (Get there) Get there (Get there) Get there

I've been in these chains for so long I'll break free and I'll be there where I belong Hold my head up high, I'll stand tall And I swear this time I won't fall [Get there] I will do this [Get there] No matter what it takes 'Cause I know no limitations And I'll reach my destination, I will get there I will get there (I will get there) I will get there (Ooh) somehow (Somehow) Cross that river (Cross that river) Nothing's stoppin' me now I will get through the night And make it through to the other side (Ooh, get there) Get there (Get there) Get there

Well, the night is cold and dark But somewhere the sun is shining And I'll feel it shine on me I'll keep on tryin', I'll keep on tryin' I will get there (I will get there) I will get there somehow Cross that river (Cross that river) Nothing's stoppin' me now I will get through the night And make it through to the other side Get there, get there I will get there (I will get there) I will get there somehow (Somehow) Cross that river (I'll cross that river for you) Nothing's stoppin' me now (OhwhoaI) I will get through (Through) the night And make it through to the other side (Ohhoohho) (Get there) Get there (Ooh, get there) Get there (Whoaoh) I will get there (I will get there) I will get there somehow (Somehow)

hhhhmmmm

2006-03-09T16:32:00.000-05:00

edit: "We are where we choose to be"-floetry

Again, I am my worst enemy. Today, I sat here alone wanting to do lunch with a friend, but I don't call anyone. Over analyzing the situation and I end up doing nothing. *sigh* Then, Fantasia comes on as I was venting to a friend on AIM and says Free Yourself. At that moment, I'm like here I ago again hold myself back. I get on the phone make some calls. I get calls back with 15 mins. Next thing you know, I have a lunch date with a lady I will call Ms. Toni (she reminds me of Toni off girlfriends). Now, I have an associate I need to call back maybe I will have a Friday night event to attend. Maybe I will stop thinking and call a particular blogger. Set yourself free

without love we are nothing

Playing~"Through with love" -DC

Mood: I can't be pleased *blah*

Today, I just want to go out with friends eat at some restaurant and just talk about whatever. PROBLEM!!! I don't know anyone here. The ppl I know I won't go out to lunch with to talk about my business. I need my friends, to laugh and explore the city. I haven't been out much. I'm trying to save my money so that I can go to the Hero concert (Mary Mary & Kirk). That's an excuse though, I could do better. I am learning a place a day though. I try to avoid the traffic, b/c I'm learning placs. The week has pass and I still haven't got the place down yet. I need to call my cousin and bruh who are up here. I'm close to them though, so they will just be substitutes for my friends. Maybe I need to call this particular blogger or a associate of mine. I have a friend who is up here. I need to call her back. Maybe we can do lunch tomorrow....Friends how many of us have them?

My worst enemy

2006-03-07T15:01:00.000-05:00

"the enemy in ah me"

Playing~"Bag Lady"-Erykah Badu

Sometimes we are our worst enemy! It's like we set ourselves up for failure and with out regard we stay on the path of destruction. Our emotions, ill-logic, procrastination, etc sets us up every time. Knowing our vice(s) and not making adjust is murder. However, I find that we take some comfort in our vice(s). They bring some form of pleasure. If they didn't, we won't continue to utilize them. I guess the question is..........what do we do with our habits that lead to unproductive things. Habits that bear no fruit, camouflages itself as pleasure, but is truly a problem. What do u do with your vices?

Playing~ "Free Yourself"-Fantasia

what da bleep????

2006-03-06T18:46:00.000-05:00

"These are lies"-my truth

Someone should have warned me before I came to the A. This place doesn't have a wal-mart....I was floored. Nobody gave me any type of warning...you can't surprise me like that.
*****warning short story******
We were looking for directons to a wal-mart in atlanta, but we couldn't find any on mapquest. The nearest one was in Morrow, which isn't far at all, but I was truly gone when I couldn't find a wal-mart in Atlanta, Ga itself. Well, I found one on Mapquest, but I couldn't click on it for directions. Me being the smart guy I am, I go to walm-mart.com. They give me directions. Okay, family lets go! We drive there and guess what. The wal-mart is not open yet, so to Morrow we go.
*******************************************************
Somebody needs their bleep beat

This staff here aren't that bright. They keep painting off the doors over and over. Guess what that does causes the door to act stupid. Something is funky about my door/doorknob. I have actually been locked in my apartment and couldn't get out. I have also been locked out like 4 times. Not because of the key, but because the doorknob is catching something. I finally figured out the rigged door. I'm like what the funk. My hands are still a little tender from the battles with this door. I'm like darn, I understand this is not trump towers, but we MUST do better than this. This is definitely a temporary spot. My friend and I decided to help each other. She need a sublease and I needed a short term lease. Our schedules worked, so we are good.
*******************************************************************
Man, it expensive to have a good time here. All the concerts are like $35+. This paying for parking has to stop! I'm like darn!!!! However, I must do my first social event soon. I need to call alumni bruh from FAMU. Any suggestion on place I must go to, let me know. Lord, I'm so happy we finally I have cable and internet now. I was dying a slow death over here. Holla

Tomorrow.....

2006-03-03T01:06:00.000-05:00

This morning I feel loved. My family is traveling with me to Atlanta, Ga. They dare not let their baby boy travel alone. I'm realizing more and more this trip is about them, not me.

My friends tried to throw me a surprise party, but I spoiled it because ppl were so late and I was one time. Darn me for being so on point. I beat everyone to the apartment. The brothers gave me a BIG card signed by everyone and the sis. showed love too.

Okay, folks I still have an hour worth of filing to do and last min. items to pack. We always think we have more time until we run out. LAWD, WHY DO I set myself up. I'm off....lets see how long it takes for me to get the internet. You know I'm a addict for this net.

2006-02-27T01:32:00.000-05:00

I am content!!! Sometimes that's the best place you can be. Things aren't a good as they could be, but not as bad as they could be.

"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."-Philippians 4:11

Rant

2006-02-24T22:25:00.000-05:00

Darn, Darn, Darn
Playing~"What's your fantasy"-Ludacris

This is really not helping me right now. I could just yell!!! Okay, let's skip that song

My freakin' car is killin' me. Toyota must be crazy if they think I'm going to give them ~1000. These people on that Whitney $h**. A $1000 worth of recommendation for your car is a definitely a damper. Talking about putting a damper on things. On to more pressing rants...I need to go on a date or something. I need something new. I can't go on a date now. No freakin' money!!!! Money is a major issue around these parts! More and more am I becoming a cynic. I definitely have a pretty strong grip on the self-discipline part, which I appreciate, but I just need to lose control. Atlanta just might be what the doctor ordered. A week from now I will be there. I think I'm going to be disappointed, but we will see. I realize that you can't go anywhere expecting a BIG diffference if you are the same, so I need to get out. Any suggestion for my first social event. Oh I don't go to clubs. Okay, I'm off of the rant. What are you pissed about?

Pass Weekend (long, but give me your feedback)

2006-02-21T01:27:00.000-05:00

"Without a Vision the people perish"-somewhere in the book of Proverbs

Playing~"Between the sheets" Isley Brothers

All of the activities and nothing(fashion show, step show, concerts (one w/ common...I could have had V.I.P., after parties). I didn't participate in much of these activities. I'm such a disappointment!

Well, Friday I went to the fashion, which was very good. I supported a bruh! After the show, I went home, then choose to go to one of my friend's house to use their wireless internet and talk. I busted contradiction (that will be their name)! I'm trying to keep two of my friends from committing adultry (Those sluts...that's a joke)! They have convinced themselves that they are cool and they are just friends with possible adulator. LIES! There is some attraction there and both of you feed into it. I bring them back to reality. I am my truth!

Playing~"Come and talk to me"-Jodeci

Saturday, phone ringing off the hook. Brothers from out of town are trying to secure a place for them to lay their head. I'm not available this time my friends. I'm staying at home and Ms. 227(mom) isn't having it. I was in those moods when I didn't feel like messing with people. I felt like I had missed out on something from the previous moment. From time to time, my committment to my faith leaves me on the outside. I don't drink, go to clubs, and I'm always mindful of my behavior. Sometimes I just want to get crunk. Not to drink (well rarely), but just dance, act out, do what I feel (whatever that entitles). So I was a little salty and didn't feel like getting dress and socializing. I stayed home all day. Went out to get a pizza at 11pm. By the way, Sigmas and Deltas won the step show.

playing~"Body Rock"-Purple Ribbion

Sunday, church which was blah. I wasn't on it! However, I try to get a nugget every service. I got a little something, something during worship. Plus, it was re-emphasized on how important it is to have a vision. The question is, do you have a vision? If not, maybe that's why you aren't that motivated. If so, give me that. I went back to church that night. Visited my mom church and to my disbelieve it was fire. Very good point made...your mind determines your direction, but your emotions determine your will. I was like that is very good. It so important to make sure your emotions don't control you. I'm pretty good and keeping that together.

Sex
Have you ever not been horny, but had an intense sexual feeling, but it's not horniness. I dare to say it surpasses it. It's like this primitive, animalistic lust/desire. Please, don't try to make me feel crazy. I talked to one of my friends about it and they knew exactly what I was talking about. Give me your feedback

2006-02-16T02:10:00.000-05:00

No more Mr. Nice Guy
I cut off my high speed internet the end of Jan. and I decided to use the school's dial up. Well, little did I remember there is a minute limit. I ran out of my mins. for the month. Thus, no internet for me. THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK! I'm in a computer lab now using their wireless internet. This is a mess! I can't believe it. If anyone read the previous post, I let it go. He will reap what he sowed. I'm waiting for it all to fall down on him. He lies so much, he believes the lies. He talks to me like regular and all. I love everyone, so I have no problems talking to him.

The BIG WEEKEND
This weekend maybe my last BSU/BHM/FISS weekend: Fashion Show, Comedy Show, and Step show! So for the next few days I will be out and about. I just notice Miss. Suezette has organized a little bash for all the alumni, so this will be interesting. Other than that, I'm chillin' and finally gettting some use out of my laptop that I got for graduation. I will have updates after this weekend. I still can't believe I'm moving in two weeks. It's unreal...me moving? I will be living so humble, because I'm trying to save money and do it BIG later.

Even with the internet off, I'm going to try and keep up with everyone and blog as usual. Twice a week or so...u know.

Checking in

2006-02-12T16:27:00.000-05:00

"Come back to the middle"-India

Playing~"love pomes"- Bilal

Nothing special has been going on folks. I've been quite the social butterfly this week. I've found that if I can get myself dress, I'm very social. I met Dr. Michael Dyson this week. He is great! I got a chance to grab a fleeting dinner with him. It was suppose to be an hour. Well, traveling reduce out encounter to 10-15 mins. I was like darn! Why do people try to put on a front with a person they perceive to be an intellectual or celebrity? People were too much...he was taken aback. I was borderline offended myself (in my mind, I was saying "sit your bleep down"). He's such a cool guy and they were looking stupid. Don't get me wrong, you want to be on point and discuss their work, but stay in your realm. Don't become Mr./ Mrs. Pro Black or Guru of all things black. I'm so happy I'm over that stage. He balances out well...sometimes he can be a little questionable, but who is perfect?

Playing "Thank Him" -Ted and Sheri

********I feel a rant coming on**************
After the event my friend and I talked about the current state of the blacks at our school. My school is a political mess! Most of the Blacks backstab, front, lie, and unconsciously become "hood" (trying to keep the uninformed blacks on their side..gotta go those votes) Uncle Toms. I too was almost a victim, but I couldn't deal with all the politics and I understood my position. I was a pawn in the game of chess. We all are, but we will sacrifice it all to say our organization run the yard and it is a must we have that BIG resume. In actuality, few to none are qualified to do the job and if they are, they don't help out the BLACK people, like we assume they would. I'm learning to be much more critical of black leaders or ones we coin as our leaders (i.e. Clinton)
**************************************************************
Later that week, a group of my friends and I went to a Black History Month production. Left that and went to the Movies (final destination)...it's just like the previous two, so if u like those, you will like this one. After that we went to IHOP. I really enjoyed their fellowship. This big step show is next week (the biggest one in the southeast by FAR!). The Celebes will come and all the steppers and strollers weeks of rehearsal will be on display. The BIGGEST battle is always between the the Ks and Reds. These ladies won't be defeated. They battle the whole show...lol. My boys better win...well, I don't know what they are going to do, but we will see. I'm finding these things to be less and less amusing.

Playing"beautiful ones"-Prince

My first time

2006-02-06T23:33:00.000-05:00

There is a first time for everything......

Playing "crusin' together"~ Smokie Robinson

My first sex party
I wasn't ready for this. I'm like what in the world is going on and how did this happen. Of course, I wasn't involved in any of the debauchery that took place. It was on the same floor of my hotel room. I was like these ppl are paying a lot of money to have a screw. They paid at least $120 and I'm thinking they spent more. I was in the hotel room a few doors down. I kept hearing groups of men and women (mostly men) coming onto our floor and to the same room. Thought it was a little weird, but I ignored it. Thinking family members are visiting. Well, around 3 or 4 am one of the ladies got a little upset. She decides to come outside and yell at this man. "Why are you walking butt @** naked with her?" At this point, I'm mad b/c I've been hearing the commotion for some time now. I wanted to walk out there and tell the lady to get over it, there seems to be a lot of bleep in the room for you, shut up.

Counseling
Yep, I'm officially a nutt case....lol. Actually, I went there ran into a few ppl I knew, that was funny and awkwared. I wanted to say, you're crazy too. I thought I was alone. I don't think that would have been protocol. I had my session with the thearpist and she was a bit taken way. I gave her all the answer, which I already knew I would, but I just wanted the confirmation. My purpose of going there was to get some affirmation on many of things that took place the last year and a half. I had taken myself through the healing process. In spite of my revelations she was a great encourager and spoke to me on a personal level. The thearpist in her left once she notice I had covered mostly everything. She gave me some additional advice and we almost had church in her office. It felt like I was talking to one of my friends about my spiritual life. I did not touch on my sometimes anti-social issue. I kinda forgot. It's not that big of a deal. Everyone thinks I'm this social person, but I'm really not. I don't do must ppl. Their personalities are either too much or too little. Where are the balance ppl at? It think it's my mindset and my age group. The thearpist thought I was quite mature and honest. I think that shocked her (my honesty made her laugh a few times). Yeah, that has to be my problem with my social issue. I'm just ahead of my time in my age group. I'm also big on me, which can come across as moody. I like to be alone w/ my thoughts often. My close friends are either very mature (they're married and established in a sense) or older like 26. I'm 22 years of age.

Extra:
I have been travelling up a storm. Atlanta, tampa, and home twice. All that in a weekend. Craziness.

Good news I found the place I will be staying. I took the sublease I talked about, so I'm free from everything when I'm done with the job, if I don't get it. It's also very cheap. Bad news: I hate it! That's all that I can say. It's VERY small, the build is not up to par. I feel like I stay in some hood in New York. The building is super tall, many apartments...just like the projects. However, the area i'm in is good/decent. I'm like 10 mins. from downtown.

This is your time, leave nothing to chance

2006-02-01T03:14:00.000-05:00

"Who never left home, who never stroke out, to find a dream and a life of their own........wide open spaces room to make the BIG mistake. [he] needs new face and knows the high states"-Dixie chicks

Y'all I'm freaked out. I'm moving like 4 weeks from now and I'm nervous. Mr. play it safe, is not playing it that safe anymore. I have so many issues with this move, but it's needed. Good reasons: I have a job (well, internship...with the chance of full-time directly after internship ~70% of us will become full-time), I desire the change and really want it. I've been in my current town for 22 yrs and it's not that grand. I'm over it. Bad reasons: I have yet to decided on place, which is insane. Two problems...I will have to travel up there again. First, I really don't feel like spending all that money on gas, but I don't have a choice. Second, I trying to figure out if I need to take a sublease or not. I'm not pleased about the sublease. It won't be in my name, b/c she can't transfer it to finish out her lease, so they could kick me out at any give time, not a good look. Plus, the apartment is really small, but it's cheap and downtown. If I take a lease and I don't get hired. I will have 3.5 months of rent to pay without the job. Very risky!

Playing~ "Beauty is her name"-Dru Hill I use to have this crush on this girl and this was her song. lol high school, high school. Then, I decided not to go to prom with her. I wasn't the place for "christians" to be. I missed my darn prom!

"I would be pissed off, if I wasn't being pissed on"-Me

I was mad like 3-4 hours ago at my current financial state. Then, I had to realize I should be mad at myself. Forgot about everyone who said they were sending me money and didn't. I am responsible for my own financial well being. I did't want to take a "serious" job b/c I was going to be here for two months, so I want to take on a casusal one. I filled out like 4 or 5 applications and went to about 10 places. For some reason people aren't hiring and if they were they decided not to hire me. Outside of one, which I couldn't take because somehow I qualified for a job outside of my home town. Well, I need to take my behind to somebody's place of employement and get hired. I realize, if I moved I would be dead broke after paying rent. Heck, if I had enough to pay. It's expensive to move. Rental truck ($310), gas (~$50), application fee (~$25), rent(~$550), etc.

I've been praying for like 2 months now and I feel like I should go. It's life obstacles that make me like oh God what am I thinking. We could walk on water if we didn't doubt. Atlanta here I come.

Playing~ "Emotional rollercoaster"-Vivian Green (how fitting for this to come on. I have my music playing randomly)

R.I.P. Mrs. King...we are losing some great people. It's time for us to step up to the plate and carry the charge they once carried.

Truth is

2006-01-29T02:08:00.000-05:00

"If my fears were tears, would they fall"-Tweet

Playing~"Sometimes you make me smile" - floetry

Sometimes the truth is too painful, direct, embarrassing, life changing. So much so, that we don't know what to do with it, so we lie. We tell half truths, leave out certain facts, change up a few words. You can call a lie many things "white" "tale", "story", "tale"....bottom line, it's a lie. I've discovered lying is one of the most used method of self-preservation. We say we are over an issue. We are done with him/her. In our hearts, we know those are just words. We even tempted to change our attitudes to match our lies. Some even go as far as change their whole life style. You can do what you may, but the truth still remains. You aren't over it. You still want him/her.

There is a difference between lying to yourself and making a choice. I think that is the fine line between the truth and a lie. You can truly choose to get over it. You can choose to stop involving yourself with him/her. You can make a choice! I think choices (true choices) change our minds and our attitudes, which leads to a change in behavior/decision making. Your emotions will soon follow, if the former things truly change.

give me your thoughts?

Playing~"God is able"-Smokie Norful

Decisions

2006-01-22T01:37:00.000-05:00

"If you catch me dream. Please don't wake me until I'm done" -Hamilton

Playing "say yes" Shekinah Glory

Today, I have to talk about decision making. We blame too many people for too many things. I was talking to my friend who is a bit salty about some pass "friends". Some kinda way he is the victim. He always end up that way. How, I don't know. However, that night I was not allowing him to play the victim.

PSA: STOP SENSATIONALIZING EVENTS, PEOPLE, PLACE, THINGS (anything that could be a noun)!

You take yourself through a disillusion emotional rollcoaster. Back to the story at hand,I had to bring it in for him. We make decision and we must be man/woman enough to live with them. Nobody owe us anything. We are responsible for our actions and reactions. I don't care how someone smooth talks, beggs, pleads, holds you. We can't get mad at people because we invested in them and they didn't want to return the favor. We decided to make that investment and they decided not to. Tough pill to swallow, but it's the truth. We must take responsibility for what we do. Now if someone flat out lied and you made you're decision on that. We may have a problem. Other than that, get over it! We need to stop blaming people. Man up !

Playing "Pass Me over"~Anthony Hamilton

I'm back with a lot to say

2006-01-19T02:18:00.000-05:00

Lord, what's going on with Ray? Is he alright? I don't know what to say anymore.

Playing- "Cry Out" by Stephen Hurd

This weekend was great! I traveled to GA to attended a mini verse of a leadership summit and I was definitely hazed (sleep deprived). A lot of work was accomplished and I got to know several brothers better. I visited this storefront church and the service was great. The sermon was all in my personal conversation the night before. Sunday afternoon, I traveled to Atlanta, GA to find an apartment. I advise anyone to use promove if they are looking for an apartment. They are great! They negotiate deals for you and everything free of charge. Their only request is that you tell the renter who sent you to their apartment complex. My agent is going to be piss though. After all of that work, I decided to take a sublease that doesn't benefit him at all. Sorry, I have to muster up the nerve to break the news to him.

I almost died twice this weekend. Once traveling to the small town in GA. It was dark, raining hard and I was lost. Somehow I ended up in the lane for oncoming traffic. I thought it was the turning lane and I'm looking at this truck that is slowly coming towards me with a perplexed look. "What is he doing coming into my lane?" "Oh My God I'm in his lane" throws car in reverse quick...bust out w/ laughter. Other incident was in Atlanta. Darn, you all! I missed when the lanes separate, but still had time to get over. "Darn, I miss my exit!" Trying to speed to jump in lane quickly. "What is a car doing in the middle of the road?!" Next thing you know I'm swerving everywhere. My bruh, "take your foot off the brake" Thank God! No one was close to me.

Playing "Tis so sweet" Shea Norman

I have been praying that the lord really makes things clear to me on which way I should go. Move to Atlanta or pass on this opportunity and wait until somethings clear up on the home base. I don't want to have the what ifs. I need to know when things get hard that I'm on the right path. So far, I'm getting little signs, nothing concrete. I need to fast or something.

I feel good spiritually. Something has happen on the inside that has brought about an undeniable joy that is calming. It's beautiful! I think it comes from that sermon Sunday and me embracing the message. I've received a lot of bad news death, friend got some bad news (this is why I'm waiting to have sex), denial letter, etc.

Extra, Extra, Extra

Have you ever just thought to yourself. I'm fine today! Nobody has anything on me. I am the best dress, looking, etc. The earth is mine and the fullness thereof.

Okay, I have a small issue w/ someone. They are killing me. Have someone every tried to prove something to you, but the more they try the more they prove the exact oppossite. I'm like dude you are trying to hard. I don't care! You don't have anything to prove. I'm cool with you either way. We are friends nothing will change. This dude is in some type of denial. I'm like dude chill....Serioiusly, I don't care!

Playing-"Deliverance will come" Shea Norman (THIS DUDE CAN SING!) He is hitting Bflat and C a capella with easy it seems

Youtube.com

2006-01-12T03:35:00.000-05:00

"I won't be Mary j. Blige if I didn't miss a note"-Mary J. Blige (lol...that's why I love her. She is honest)

Youtube is great. You can find all type of videos there. Here are some links I found that were good.

Karen Clark & KiKi "You love me" live
http://www.youtube.com/w/Karen-Clark-Sheard-%26-Kierra-Sheard-sing-%27You-Loved-Me%27-Live?v=b2FXyMpNtQU&search=karen%20clark%20sheard

Fantasia sings at church as a teenager
http://www.youtube.com/w/Fantasia-Barrino-as-a-Little-girl-singing-at-Church?v=5OSWdHu6VBQ&search=fantasia

United Harmony...DC, who?
http://www.youtube.com/w/Michelle-Williams-of-Destiny%27s-Child-w/-United-Harmony?v=zDSNVKG7mKI&search=gospel

This is the voice...old Whitney
http://www.youtube.com/w/Whitney-Houston-LIVE---1994-American-Music-Awards-Medley?v=6oBNXanzdfU&search=whitney%20houston

Funny clip of Beyonce falling......Clay will love this
http://www.youtube.com/w/Beyonce%27s-Fall?v=NgMpKC6W4aI&search=beyonce%20falls

Lauryn Live performing Adam lives in theory
http://www.youtube.com/w/Lauryn-Hill---Adams-Lives-In-Theory-%28Live%29?v=H5XwRBnyW7M&search=lauryn%20hill

At this point, you get the point. I have some videos I like a little more than these. Check out the site it's great!

What are you thinking?

2006-01-09T01:43:00.000-05:00

"As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he."

This verse is sooo true! A lot of negative thoughts come into our minds, but they are easily dismissed - pushed aside. However, if a thought gets in your heart it becomes who you are. If in you're heart you are successful, you are. If in you're heart you are defeated, you are. If in you're heart you are ugly you are. We all have meet people who may not have thought were attractive and/or successful, but in their heart they believe they were or vice-versa. And as far as they are concern, they are attractive and/or successful. At the end of the day, your thoughts are the only ones that matter. What's in your heart?

Vainty, Vainty....all is vanity
I need the bloggers help. I cut my head bald once and I'm thinking about doing it again. Let me know what you think. Some of my friends almost rebuke me when I mention doing it again and some are like you should cut it again. The quality of the bald picture is not that great, but give me your feedback.

Should have known better

2006-01-04T02:22:00.000-05:00

"Went to the edge of the ledge, but I didn't jump you can't hold a [man] down."-Mary J. Blige "Good woman down"

Playing-that song

It's a new year! Same crap, different year, different attitude...a positive perception can help a whole lot. Don't you hate when things are out of your control, but you are dependent on it. Wrench has been through in my plans, DARN! I'm really pissed and uncertain now. This can't be the start of a new year, not already. Well, this carried over from last year. I've been told that the process goes like this: promise, problem, provision (that was in a sermon). I have obtain the previous two, but I'm waiting on the latter one. I'm a little salty about this whole predicament, but like I stated in previous post this year is "after the storm." I shall conquer and prevail with God's help. Man, I need to seek him for all of these major decisions that are coming up. More praying, less venting

New Addition to the blog; it's called question.

Question: Do you think there is the "ONE" or do you think love is what you make and whom you make it with?

Playing: "Take me as I am" Mary J. Blige

I've been give Mary some plugs on here, but she kinda took me back on this album. It's a little My life with some vocal and spiritual growth.

2006-01-02T01:43:00.000-05:00

"Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus". Phil 3 v.13-14

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!

I am so happy to say 2005 is officially over. I thought 2004 was bad, but 2005 showed me I had not seen anything. However, that is the pass and we will leave it there. Imagine if we drove the way we lived our life. We would crash all the time. Our rearview mirror is so small and provides us with no information on what is before us. Our windshield is so large and tells us a great deal of what is in front of us. Just like we won't drive looking in our rearview mirror, we shouldn't live our life that way.

Playing: "taxi" Tweet

I'm looking forward to seeing what 2006 has in store. This year will truly be a new year for me. No school, new city (ATL), moving away from home, first real job, etc. I'm ready to receive something good! I decided not to make an vows to anybody. However, I do pray that I am a better me in 2006. I am a realist and I do know that unfortunately I will do somethings I desire not to do, but I also know that it's all about decision making, so lets hope & pray that I don't repeat stupid decisions. With that being stated, I made a goal list for 2006 and I plan on buying a frame, so that I can see them often. It's not very long or detail, because my life is so contingent on some many things, so that was a hindrance.

By the way friend seems to be well. We haven't spoken, but he seems to be up in spirit.

You are my friend

2005-12-30T03:26:00.000-05:00

playing "water" Lauryn Hill

First, WHY ARE DRAWS SO EXPENSIVE? I'm a guy! I don't have all of these designs or special additions, so why are my draws so high. I just need something to cover my behind and conceal any surprises that may arise during the day! Hanes are high. At least to me they are...jeez! I got me some boxer-briefs...hopefully this will help a brother out...lol.

"We're just ordinary people. We don't know which way to go"

One of my closet friends is really going through. I don't know what is going on, but I'm sure it's linked to his sexuality somehow. He is a Christian and we go to the same church. Our church can be a bit offensive from time to time. Sometimes you are like that was flat our ignorant...u didn't have to go there, but all in all...good church. He is running into a conflict. He believes that his desire (men) is going to send him to hell. We discuss this topic often. I probe "you believe you are born like this?" "You also believe you are going to go to hell for it?" I already know his answer, but I just want him to express himself. I don't know what advice to give him. I'm torn.

Playing:"Because of You" Kelly Clarkson (This song takes me through so many emotions) "My heart couldn't possibly break, b/c it wasn't whole in the first place."

He has been acting really strange lately. I went to visit him last week, because we had not talked in a minute (~ 4 days...he talks to me just about everyday). He was definitely in a minor funk and I was like what's going on w/ u? He never really answered the question. I told him I would back off. Later, he looked out the window, which let me know there was a possibility of some company stopping by. He was laughing saying "I would die [if this guy came while my truth was here]"...the person never came. We went to Ihop. We laughed and talked about anything we could think about. Before we went he was like "I said I was not going to tell anyone..God!" "Truth, you won't believe..." I stop him and told him, keep it to yourself. You will share on your own time. He left it alone. It seems like he is falling deeper in depression or not getting any better. He is torn big time. Living for God or having a man. He talks to me like every 5-7 days, which is not his style at all. He trips out on me if I don't talk to him in 2 days. We talked briefly today. This is his decision and he has to make it. I'm his support system either way. I can't catch anymore heat than I already catch. His mother declares something is going on w/ us. Why? I have no ideal. I think b/c he is so attached to me and I'm so available. I know he is going through. He was a Christian and attending this church way before I was. It is hell fire and brimstone. Holiness or hell type, which I can go for most of the time, but I am nobody's puppet. If I disagree with something and it doesn't sit well in my spirit. It's left on that pew. Tell me when I'm wrong. God isn't going to accept anything nor will he come down to my level. I must rise to his, but this is one area that I am perplexed about. This is not like lying, cheating, stealing, drinking..., which are things that you pick up. He said he can't remember when it wasn't there. Why would God give you something at birth that he consider abominable. I'm like Jesus Christ...this is crazy! When I see him...I'm going to give him the biggest hug and tell him to follow his heart. He is happy, sad, and scared b/c I'm leaving. "Who can I turn to?" I'm his only outlet that brings balance to him. Plus, he leans on me spiritual, so a lot of my personal battles/issues I keep to myself. I share when it is fitting. He refuses to let me do anything to crunk. He wants to preserve me..."Truth, you have to be the good one"

This my sound crazy, but I have you ever felt your heart break? Literally, you heard/saw/experience something and you seriously felt your heart broke in two. Only one person that I know has experienced this outside of me. It's like something in you breaks/pops. This happen to me like two or three weeks ago.

Checkin' in

2005-12-28T03:31:00.000-05:00

Playing: "Man on the side" John Mayer

Christmas
I didn't do much, went to church. I was tired, but I was like I can't be tacky and miss church on the day we decided to celebrate his birth. Gifts: I got my mom a mp3 player. She really doesn't know what she is doing, but she is enjoying it. Gave her $50 and a letter that I wrote to here, which caused me to get really emotionally (I don't know what's been up with me lately). Ate and chilled with family that was my Christmas. Oh she brought me a suite, which was my only request. The letter was the most important thing to me. It expressed so much.
Playing: "You don't want Drama" 8 ball MJG

***Warning TMI and Sexual comment(s)*****
"My heart don't got nothing to do with my penis"
I'm in church and why does "my friend" decide to wake up and introduce himself to everyone sitting on the pew with me. A brother is trying to get his Jesus on and he decides to rise. " I can't believe this..[moves Bible]." I promise, I wasn't thinking anything sexual. This thing has a mind of it's own. It's been showing out lately literally. An associate is reading on with me and the pastor is closing (I'm like thank God! I got this big Bible..this would be embarrassing). "Everyone stand please stand" "Oh my God!" I will join everyone and mash it down against the pew in front of me. Nawl, that will not work, they will see the print. I bow my head like I'm praying (hopefully ppl thought I was really praying and didn't assume the truth). Well, I am praying. "God, please let this go way." It subsides and I join everyone standing. I don't know why this keeps happening. I think it's abstinence thing, because this is getting outrageous. It's like all the time for like a month now. God why did u give us all of this(desire, passion,etc.), if we are suppose to wait until marriage. Jeez!
***Okay, back to the good guy******
Love Jones is my favorite movie. It was a real portrayal of people in our age range. All of us aren't rich and fabulous (Best man and the rest of cliches). We are thinkers, unsure of what we want, finding our way, and multi-layered people. I keep watching it. My mom ordered some DVDs. I requested that and Color Purple. Color Purple is really a deep movie. It's so much to discuss regarding gender, sexuality, etc. That movie will make you ANGRY! I need to find a little job until February. A brother needs some income until I move to ATL. My first real job! I have to get some more dress shirts. If anyone has some survivor tidbits for Atl, please share. Got some books to keep the mind sharp and I'm chillin'

Playing "As time goes by" Billie Holiday

Hey, check out that Anthony Hamilton cd (aint nobody worryin') is fiyah! Everyones talking about Mary and Jamie...Anthony is where it's at. Mary my peeps, but the album is solid, nothing to rave about. I'm tell y'all Anthony Hamilton is not a joke. Oh I'm standing on what I said on my last post. I'm doing and feeling good!

2005-12-25T05:02:00.001-05:00

" Sometimes our greatest strength can be our weakness" - My truth

Playing: "One" Mary J. Blige & Bono

Sometimes it's not about understanding why things occur. It's about overcoming them, so that you can gather the wisdom that lies on the other side. With every trial, growth and wisdom accompanies it. It's up to us to embrace growth and wisdom or allow a trial to lead us to a place of bleakness. A place where we fight against overselves and the inevitable. By all accounts I'm fighter. I don't give up easy, but I recently learned that sometimes you have to let go. So many negative thoughts come along with walking away, quitting, letting go, but sometimes that is the wisest move you can make. Sometimes fighting to make something work is very unwise. I know it hard to accept a bad situation, but sometimes that how it is. When we don't, we fight ourselves into a place that was never intended for us, so I'm accepting what God allows. I have decided to embrace the growth and wisdom that accompanies every trial. I advise everyone to look at what they are trying to make work. What type of return is it bringing you? My mantra for 2006 is still "after the storm" and I'm coming in smiling.

Happy Holidays! Enjoy your family & friends

Playing "Take me as I am" Mary J. Blige

2005-12-23T22:21:00.000-05:00

"I love you and this shit is urgent like a motherfucker" Tell me what movie that is from

Today, I received some information that hasn't been so disappointing, painful, poignant. However, I'm still standing with a leveled head and that's where I will remain. To deny the emotions that I feel would be insane, but I can't embrace them. I don't know how wise this is. One thing my fater death taught me is, you must grief and do it properly. I'm still learning how to do this. I won't let myself get emotional even though I should, it would be too much for me right now. It would bring about acute pain. I have no more words........the irony of life says it all. I'll be back real soon

Tracy Chapman

I know I may be wishing On a world That may never be But I’ll keep on wishing
No matter how hopeless Or foolish It may seem I’ll keep on wishing
I’ll toss my coins in the fountain Look for clovers in grassy lawns Search for shooting stars in the night Cross my fingers and dream on I know I may be dreaming Of a world
Far from present day reality But I’ll keep on dreaming
No matter how unrealistic Or naive It may seem always keep dreaming

And toss your coins in the fountain Look for clovers in grassy lawns Search for shooting stars in the night Cross your fingers and dream on We must always be thinking Of a world As a place of infinite possibilities

And always keep thinking No matter how hopeless Or foolishIt may seem Always keep thinking And toss our coins in the fountain Look for clovers in grassy lawns Search for shooting stars in the night Cross our fingers and dream on I’ll keep on wishing We must always keep dreaming Of a world

With equality and justice Thinking There could be a world Without poverty and sickness Wishing Of a world Without hunger and homelessness DreamingOf a world Where all people live in peace DreamingOf a world Dreaming On a world

Enjoy your holidays!

What you want

2005-12-22T03:43:00.000-05:00

"Seasons Change" Jagged Edge Ft. John Legend (via honey soul)

The new year is really going to sneak me. It hit me today that a new year is 9 days away. Can you believe it? I surely can't. With that hovering over my head, I decided to get a little bit more serious about how I want the coming year to be different than this present one. I stole away for a moment and wrote in a journal with the lights off and a candle lit. While writing about recent events I started thinking about how I want next year to be different from this one. Consequently, I realize I don't know what I want. One thing I do know is what I don't want, which is good, but I need to know what I want. If you are looking for something you need to know what it looks like more than what it doesn't look like. Do you agree? Now I'm faced with another challenge....figuring out what I want. This should be easy, right? It's not! We focus so much on the things we don't want or what we don't like and rarely focus on the things we want.

Once I get my thoughts together I'm going to write the vision and make it plain. I plan on typing out everything and putting them in a frame, so that I will see them everyday. Hopefully, this will help me to be very conscious of my goals and the things that will hinder them.

I'm going to make an effort to date in 2006. This too shall be interesting. I haven't dated anyone in like 5 years. I always said there was nobody out there, but the truth is I wasn't looking. Apparently, I gave that vibe off too. I scared two girls away without knowing it. I'm moving to a new city and state.......Atlanta, Ga here I come. I'll be there in mid-late February. I'm done with school and I going to start my first real job. This is going to be a new year for me fo'real. I'm excited and the anxiety has not kicked in yet. However, I do need to get some money for this transition. I need to find some whatever job until mid-February.

Y'all I feel like sanging...I just want to open up and just sing. I said I'm going to re-join the praise team in January. We will see if I actually do. Still advise me on some good reads (looking to read)

Reading rocks my socks...lol

2005-12-21T04:58:00.000-05:00

Bloggers, I am soliciting you alls help again. I want to keep my brain a little active and enjoy myself at the same time. Surfing the net is getting a little old, so I am looking for some new books. Please give me a list of books that were motivtional, inspiring, self help or flat out good reads. Please keep the list under 5 books a blogger.

I want to thank everyone that reads and gives me feedback. Some of y'all have even adopted a brother...don't I feel special! Can you believe I can't see my grades or transcript b/c I owe the school .11 cent. I need to know that my graduation was official. I know I was suppose to give some really good updates, but the information is old now and would take up to much space, so I opt not to do it. However, I will give a real post sometime this week, which may highlight some of the updates.

After the storm

2005-12-18T00:49:00.000-05:00

As everyone is celebrating and enjoying the food I'm nervous and in a daze (I graduated today). Thinking about the struggle I've been going through for the pass 2 years. How much things have changed and the questions that accompany those changes. I'm waiting to check my grades, thinking about the job offers my friends have and my job offer. When I move will that become my permanent location as I desire? Where am I going to work inbetween time? I need money to move. Would my father be here if he was alive? How am I going to get myself out of this BIG mess I've created?

*Warning I'm about to go into issues w/ my faith...don't know if u want to read*

Do I still want to stay with my faith (chosen religion) ? If I don't, what am I going to do b/c it's all I've known. In high school and beginning of college (first two years). I was one of those Christians that a lot of people dis-like and respected at the same time. Why? Because I gave them no room to question my faithfulness to my faith. I wasn't judgmental, but I was very strict with myself and didn't mind sharing the gospel with anyone, anytime. I remember taking the cord to my radio to school with me b/c I didn't want my cousins to listen to "secular" music on it. I didn't go to prom, broke up with my girlfriend and cut off friends. Anything that could be a hindrance to my relationship with God. It was removed! I have digress of the pass two years, but I didn't change too much. I haven't been in anyones club, drunk anyones liquor, been in anyones bed in a sexual way, but I'm not as faithful, careful, and mindful as I once was. Some of the "secular" things I picked up over the pass two years are being re-adjusted. One thing I have learned is it's not by works, but by grace.

I don't know what to think about my relationship with God. I just feel let down. I don't know if it's me who has changed or my expectations, because God doesn't change per his word (the Bible). Whatever it is, I have been experiencing some MAJOR dissonance in my relationship with him and I don't know what to do. I starting to have a slight problem digesting the fact that I am always the problem, if there is any failure or shortcoming. However, I can accept this fact. God doesn't make mistakes, but I'm not quite sure about me being the problem. When it's a blessing it's God. When God allows or takes you through something tough. God is testing you and he will bring you out alright. "All things work together for the good of them that love him". So when the END results don't work in your favor...what do we say? It's not the end...what?! Faith is an infallible, intangible, unmeasurable thing. Thus, it can always be justified. Either you believe or you don't. I have to make some crucial decisions about my life holistically. I have decided that the theme for 2006 will be "after the storm"......It's time for the sun to shine. After 2 years of being quasi (by no means am I sad), it's time for the storm to go away.

Track that describes my life right now is: "My Life" Mary J. Blige

Gifts

2005-12-14T00:21:00.000-05:00

Hey, I'm still going to post that detail blog full of updates, but I'm not in the mood right now. I'm feeling rather blah. There are very few times when music can't express my mood and this is one of them. I do need you all help. If you were graduating what would u all want for graduation? I don't know what to ask for. Everyone keeps asking me and I'm like I really don't know. Anyway, give me some reasonable (under $200, definitely not over $400) gifts you would want for graduation.

school and the lack there of

2005-12-13T04:52:00.000-05:00

It is finish! I took my last final today, thank God! I'll be back to give an update on everything. I have experienced another suicide, I have no words. I'm going to visit the chapter to see what was going on with this particular brother. Thank God! I'm in my right mind...call one of your friends you have not talked to in awhile. You just never know

My Truth, My Journey pt. 1 (repost)

2005-12-10T03:25:00.000-05:00

I have some new readers, so this is new to them. Plus, I couldn't leave y'all hangin'

I thought I would share my truth, my journey so far. These are the things that define who I am today.

Born 1983Kenndy Homes Projects*This place was so serious (think of one of the worst projects in your area, this place was one of them). I stayed there until I was 5 y/o (visited everyday until I was about 7). I can remember this place so vividly. Even though I was young, I got unto so much trouble and was so popular. My first fight was there. I gained my first nickname there. Too ashame to say it, but lets say it had to do with my skills as a dancer (I was SHARP) and a group that was electric something or other(that's for those mid-late 70s and VERY early 80s babies). I learned how to be tough there. My family stayed there for 16-18 years previously.
Lesson: It's a hard knock life

"Touch"
Around the age of 7 (give a year or 2) my thoughts on sex (unsure if I had any) completly changed. Enuff said
Lesson: You can't trust people! You have to protect yourself b/c no one can be responsible for you, but you.

"Move B****"
I stabbed my cousin in the chest with a pencil. I was around 8 when this happen. I had a temper out of this world. My cousin thought it would be funny to tease me with his stupid toys. Since he kept acting ugly I stabbed him. The pencil pentrate through his skin and lead to the ambulance rushing him off. I got a beating out of this world. I was so scared when this happen. I thought he was going to die. Everyone was frantic and talked about how I poisoned him.
Lesson: Your actions can cause serious repercussions for yourself and others.

"Sex is on my mind"
I don't know which came first the "Touch" or my over the top sexual acts (I strong believe it was before). I was out of control. I had this neighbor who was a little girl like a year younger than me and everytime I went over there it was something sexual going on. Showing privates (sound like a little kid, huh), touching (serious touching, humping with shirts off, but no intercourse. Just out of control....JESUS! I got a beating that was out of this world one time for dry humping another girl. After beatings and sermons at churchh I was like SEX is bad-I still have those thoughts subconsciously. Given the rules on sex in christiandom you don't explore much. Outside of educating ones self on risk and bodily functions (you don't explore too much with that...b/c you may become too curious)Lesson: Just say NO TO SEX

"Pop left me"
My father and my mother were never married and never stayed together. In the beginning, my father was very involved, then he turned into a mess. As a boy you think your dad is king and your a prince (I'm sure the men second that). Then reality hits you. It's a terrible thing for a kid to be filled with anticipation and have all their stuff pack to go spend the weekend with their dad and the bastard don't show up. You there with your crap holding onto that last bit of hope, then u just give up 2 hours later. I realize after this happening several times or being picked up only to be abandon at a family members house, that he was an ***.Lesson: You can't rely on people. Don't allow someone to control your emotions/mood.To be continued......

When the rubber meets the road

2005-12-07T05:15:00.000-05:00

It's funny how determined we are at the end of the semester when our grades are in jeopardy. I will be back folks, but this is so serious. I've been on it for the most part. You all would be so proud of your boy. There is so much drama going on.

Topics:
Domestic Abuse

Homicide or suicide (we aren't sure yet)

School

Sexuality

Church

I can't wait to come back in full force.

World AIDS DAY!!!

2005-12-01T03:19:00.000-05:00

Today, I'm going to use this blog to say something meaningful. I'm not going to give your stats or tell you some shocking story about someone's risky behavior (I've already done both). I just want to say Go out and get tested (Take a friend or two with you)!

Know your status for yourself and others. Many people are apart of organizations (fraternities, community groups, ethnic groups, etc.) please make sure they are providing an outlet for this issue to be discussed.

We are having a forum tonight, which features a HIV + single mother. I think this is going to be so powerful. We are also giving away free food (all college students go for that) during the day to lure college students into making a pledge to get tested or to get tested (we have a place provided). Please get involved! You will be surprise at what people our age don't know about sex.

Truth

The masquerade

2005-11-25T05:02:00.000-05:00

"If we could be transparent, so many people could be helped"-Metri & Ben
I don't want to be a superhero. Some how I have acquired this status. I think we create thing without knowing it. We present a certain face with friends and love ones and they expect us to live up to it. And if you aren't wise, you will try to. Don't hold me to anything you established for me. However, I think we foster this type of relationship without being conscious of it. We do things to make sure we are perceived a certain way and that perception becomes reality for those who know us. Thus, we try to live up to a fallacy, which cause you to be ashamed when you don't live up to whatever fallacy people have brought into. This is how people end up living a lie. Has anyone experience this? It's very difficult to be transparent these days, because we all have to keep up the facade of whatever imagine we have created. I'm sorry, sometimes I let myself down, so I know I'm going to let you down. I can't be perfect. All of these flaws make us beautifully human. We are contradiction (sometimes). We do backwards crap.

"Perfect" -Simple Plan (great song)

Confession is good for the soul! My friends and I have been laying down the bags we carry by just being real with each other. This is what's going on and this is how I feel about it. It's was so good to remove the mask and say this is what's up. Of course, you don't tell all your business, but it's good to just relate and put the truth out there. I'm a mess and things aren't all that.

"Open up my heart" Yolonda Adams
* I made minor changes to the blog tell me what u think.*

I am bored! There is nothing to do, I can't even watch class. Something is wrong with the site. Thanksgiving, Turkey day whatever you want to call it was uneventful. Booooo...the food was par and we usually burn. A brother vision is getting weak. I can feel the difference in my vision from time to time. I noticed it for the first time like 2 or 3 weeks ago. I woke up and it was dark. I felt one eye stretching trying to gain vision and the other narrowing. Plus, my friend noticed it yesterday. Your boy doesn't look cock or weak eyed at all. I'm at the computer too much. I talk to friends, watch lectures, surf all the time (at least 6 hours a day).

Let it go

2005-11-15T05:44:00.000-05:00

Many times people tell us to let go of things that are not good for us, do we listen. NOPE! We just hold things in. It can lead to so much pain, we must learn to let it go. No, I'm not referring to what you may think, I'm referring to gas. Yes! You must pass gas, fart, blow wind, etc. If you don't you will experience pain. Unbearable pain. Trust, I had this experience yesterday. I felt like I was being stabbed from the inside...it was terrible. Don't let gas build up people, you will pay sooner or later. LET IT GO!
*A real post is below, but I had to give you guys a PSA*

Life or death u decide

2005-11-15T05:14:00.000-05:00

"Life in death is in the power of the tongue" Prov. 18 (can't remember verse)
*I want to encourage everyone to speak life over issues that are important to you, that appear to be dead. Speak Death over issues that you shouldn't even be entertaining.*

We must use the power we have to enhance ourselves. Don't just speak, plan, implement and follow up with the issues you are speaking to.

Before I suffer my mouth to utter a complaint or frustration, I'm going to let you all know the good things that's going on with me.
Good things:
1.) I'm alive and I have all the necessities of life.
2.) I got money in the back less than a thousand, but more than 500.
3.)My family members are alive and well.
4.)I have job offers
5.)I won brother of the year at conference
6.)I have friends
7.)Mary J. blige is coming out with an album on 12/06 and the first single is blazing.
8.) I'm doing very well in one of my classes.
9.)I have some luxuries (i.e. car, computer, etc.)
10.)I'm half way in my right mind.
*why was I struggling trying to find 10 things*

Took Finance test today....M E S S. I just knew, I knew the material...aahhhmm we will see. I think I did okay, but we will see. I have to go speak with my managerial economics teacher and let him know he must grant me favor. I'm willing to work to bring my grade up. I'm not looking for a handout I just need some assistance.

I'm seriously thinking about going to see our school psychologist. Lawd, I'm a nut case now...j/k. I had to go see them once when my father passed, so that I could withdraw from the semester and the psychologist suggested that I come back. I looked at him and told him I had the Lord. God would bring me through, I'll be fine. Never thought about visiting them again, until now. Since my dad passed, my grades and focus have been off. I've done great exploits regarding my extra-circular stuff, but academic I could not focus to save my life. I'm decent now, but all last year...just a mess. If I didn't have to interact with you, I didn't. I never really grieved his death. Three days after the funeral I threw myself into extra-circular stuff and the next week I was waist deep into a scholars program. Funny thing is, I couldn't sit in like the first 4 or 5 rows of the church, I couldn't take it. 'til this day I can't grieve, it's not in me (those of you who read my truth, my journey posts...know what's up). However, I desperately need to grieve, but I don't think I know how. What's good in y'all life? I can't sleep?

Why

2005-11-10T23:42:00.000-05:00

Why? Why? Why?

Why are we contradictions?

The more you learn about someone, the lamer (I don't think that's a word) they become?

Why is it harder to believe as you grow older?

Why are people slippin' on their bloggin'? Maybe they are actually livin'

Why is crap so easy to say, but super hard to implement?

Why when you don't want someone their available?

Why when you want them, their not available?

Why am I trying figure out a plan B, if my graduate doesn't work?

Why am I not going back, if I don't graduate...I'm working.

Why do real people have a hard time?

Why is my graduate date in jeopardy?

Why am I at a lost for words, thoughts, etc?

Why don't I want to believe in God?

Why is that the source of my joy, stability, etc?

WHY?

Get my stuff together

2005-11-09T03:43:00.000-05:00

"If it isn't love" New Edition

I'm not on my stuff! Have you ever sat back and realize how much time you waste in a day? It's shameful! Something is seriously wrong. I've been in and out of this funk since my dad pass...I must get my swagger back. Have I consistently had my swagger? hhhmm.
"I apologize"-Anita Baker

My "official" grade for economics is not what my take home copy states. If the "official" grade is right, I'm screwed! Yesterday, I just had to back off of school. Doubt came in like crazy, but I refused to entertain it. However, I am still on a miniature emotional rollcoaster. I'm like 4 years, could be down the drain and I have invitation out...what the heck. I'm definitely not feeling very spiritual right now. Ironically, that's one of my main outlets for this predicament ( I have been singing y'al..It's time for me to get back on the praise team). This situation is almost comical, I'm so perplexed, I have to laugh. If I don't graduate this semester...I'm done! I have to walk way. I'll get a job in Corporate America that will pay me what I will make without the darn degree. That's the part that gets me. The job that has the potential to pay me the most, I could get without this darn degree. I have the skills and the hook up, aint that some bleep.

The conference was hecked...I'm so out of juice for my organization and I'm still getting e-mails, calls from businesses and brothers. What is this all about? Leave me alone people! However, my chapter did win chapter of the year (under my admin. I might add)! And I won brother of the year! Go me..It meant nothing, b/c I was so over it. Highlights: the chapters verbally fighting each other with subliminal message stating who was the best chapter. A workshop I wrote caused some brothers to strength and/or fix their relationship with each. A brother from Boston flying in. We haven't seen each other in so long, it's was great. We are really good friends, so to see him and kick that weekend was great. He enjoyed himself and I was pleased! Now I have to figure out how to pay for making sure my brother having a good time.
"Scared"-Uncle Luke (this reminds me off my crunk days..high school dances)player on shuffle

2005-11-01T20:52:00.000-05:00

"That's a negative" Stennett

School & Conference
First, I must give an update. In my Managerial Economics class I received a B or C+ on the last test. Big improvement from a F on the first test, huh? In my Business Finance class, the teacher had to give a 21 points for a curve. Clearly, it's not us...It's his behind. If most (50% +)of the class failed, it's you, not us. The class should be called graduation, b/c it's so serious. School is straight, but I need to attend class more often. The conference that I've been mentioning is this weekend. Thank God! People are still out of control and the disrespect has become worse. I'm trying my best not to come to this conference confrontational, because I really want to chin check one person in particular. Violence is not the answer, but it can solve some problems.

Jobs
Okay, I'm doing a bad job at job searching. I'm so caught up in the here and now. However, I have done some work, but I have much more to do. The weekend after next I will be on this job thing! First, I must say I'm shocked at the job market for Business majors. Everything is either sales or retail. What is that about? We are seriously competing hard to get management positions at Wal-Mart, Walgreens, etc...What?! However, I currently have two options Macy's and Express Scripts ( pharmaceutical company). Lets evaluate:
Macy's is in Atlanta. Express Scripts is in no where, GA. Macy's win!
Express Scripts I will be working in a call center. Macy's I will be a store manager. Macy's win
Express Scripts pays more..Nuff Said!
Macy's want me to go through internship program first (low pay, 10 weeks), because I don't have retail experience. Express Script is ready for me to come right on. Express Scripts win
I'm thinking about looking into banking, because those are some options, but not my desired job. Heck none of them are! I'm leaning toward Macy's despite all of the negatives. It's in a big city and I need some place where I can tap into some resources. Live life...this small town stuff is not working for me.
Bet Show (first 50 mins)
*What the heck is going on with Arseno Hall? He looks like wtbleep. Howard still has it. Hammer what is going on?
New Edition still has it, they work hard! Lawd, they even had Bobby Brown, but he is screaming at us. SING...his voice...this is getting sad.

I"m so selfish

2005-10-26T02:46:00.000-04:00

"Don't wait til midnight, when there is no Sunshine. You are a stranger until there is danger and that aint right"-Brent Jones ft. Coko (from SWV)

I've been wondering why my relationship with God has become stale to me (for ~2 years now). It went from being my passion and dwindled down to something I do because it's "right". The answer came to me this morning, I am full of myself. And maturing/growing in God is about being God oriented. I enjoy me so much, God has become the thing I focus on when I'm in trouble or need something. I deal with God so casually, but desire him to perform miracles. In spite of me, he graces me with things I definitely don't deserve. When he provides the things that I'm asking, I'm back on myself. My praise becomes less and less. My attention goes else where and the whole things plays through all over again. This merry-go-round must stop. I'm not going to make any faulty declarations in this post, but what I'm going to say is this. I need to be more sensitive towards the things of God and more willing to follow where he leads. I refuse to get all righteous and go into this thing head first. Denying myself this, doubling up on this or that spiritually, because once again I will make this all about me. There is nothing I can do that can make God love me more or less, but I MUST spend more time with him if I want to mature or grown. When was the last time you had a spiritual check up?

Drama

2005-10-24T04:01:00.000-04:00

Okay, last week I was a the crunk side a little bit. I don't think I was crunk, I was just stating the facts. Most brothers thought I was just stating the facts, but I was completely uncensored. My question is, what can u do against the truth? NOTHING! I didn't take any shots at the person's character or personality; I just stated that they performance on their duties were offensive and disrespectful. Once Boss saw my e-mail he told me I was nasty, unprofessional, and short of rude. He agreed with my bottom line, but didn't agree with my delivery and told me he wouldn't have my back. He concluded by making some frivolous claims in the e-mail. He got a trite e-mail back letting him know I didn't ask nor did I need anyone to have my back. I discredited all of his frivolous claims with the facts. I concluded by tell him I would talk to him later. Boss is use to everyone backing down to him. He is known throughout Florida to be the brother that runs the show. That buck stopped last week! He and I are really good friends, so it goes beyond the organization, but he came at me wrong and I had to let him know he is not exempt for getting put back into place. He called and he tried to get something stirred up, but he quickly agree to disagree. "You're a smart guy, very perceptive" were my words to him. He had no leg to stand on. He actually was agreeing with me when he was trying to argue with me, which for the most part I said nothing. I was letting him dig himself into a hole, but before I could bury him he agreed to disagree. We went back to our usual conversation, which was fine with me, but I was so ready to SHUT HIM DOWN! But we are good now. I did apologize if his feelings got hurt during any correspondents, but in all honesty he did it to himself. My intentions are never malicious, so apologizing with sincerity if your feelings are/were hurt is nothing to me. However, he is the one who continued the correspondents and got at me first without facts. If he had the facts I would have gladly admited to any wrong doing, but since I was smart enough to keep my emotions out of it all of my points were valid.
After getting calls from Tampa to Tally Ho, running all over town, paying and collecting money for this organization, I'm still faced with a shady leader (whom I wrote the e-mail to) who continues to throw me under the bus. Of course, b/c he is our leader I have to defend him publicly, but in all honestly I want to kick his Godblessit from time to time. Now I have another brother whom has been talking to everyone about his beef with this council and I've calmed him down a bit, but now he is coming at me. I'm trying to decide whether I should eat him alive or not. I know to some degree this is our leader working his magic. Getting ppl off him and on me. I can accept that, nothing new. To be honest, I don't have anymore crunkness left. I had to be rejuvenated and at this point I'm so solution oriented I don't have time to fight with someone who is just not a happy person. Apparently, he has had beef before I got on the council (I'm doing some interim work), so I don't know what to tell him, but he is going to mess around and get the uncensored, straight up rude, non solution oriented brother. I have a 3 time rule (it's flexible, but in general this is how it goes). You try me once, it probably was a misunderstanding or a mistake. I'll let it ride. Second time I will let u know whatever you are doing is not going to work. Third time what's your problem, str8 try it again and I'm going to make u regret the day. This brother is rounding 3rd. How should I deal with this...brotherhood can be a freak'in pain. Should I call back? If I do what how should I respond? I'm very good at calming ppl down and helping them be rational, but from what I'm hearing this person has lost all rationale already, so that's not an option.

lose control

2005-10-12T02:50:00.000-04:00

Control: to reduce the incidence or severity of especially to innocuous levels (that's one definition)

I think that's all our desire to reduce the chances of us getting hurt, but when does it turn into fear? I think We all are fighting to gain more control. More control of our money, time, love ones, jobs, etc. We dare not show that we lack control. You are definitely lacking something if you are letting things flow, but what about matters of the heart. Do we need to have a firm grip on those things too? And really how much control do we have? The control we possess is an illusion. Katrina and everyday events let us know that; despite how much we plan $**t happens. I want to lose control, but I too suffer with control problems. I don't like the unknown (well, sometimes) and the what if this mess don't work. I usually save face and stick to something I can have a moderate amount of control of. But the unknown is what makes life fun. Tomorrow lets allow ourselves to do something that we want to do and let go of our restraints. Approach the person u have been eyeing for some time. Go somewhere you have been dying to go to. Let me know how it works out?

Aretha Franklin "A house is not a home" (she ate this song up)

I want to lose control

I want this to last forever like some religious type of love.
I want intimacy so deep it's a spiritual type of love.
I want that mmmhhmm good Campbell soup type of love.
The kind of love that makes me phone up my mom and say she is the one type of love.
When I'm inside you I cry type of love.
I want that vulnerable, uncontrolled, available, kinda love
My sun rise and sets on you kinda of love
I want that this shit is dangerous kinda love
I'm willing to look a fool for you, if you ask me to type of love
That sincere call to say I love you kinda love...untainted, genuine, not that mack shit kinda love.
I dare not lose control and share this type of love.

I'll be back

2005-10-11T03:12:00.000-04:00

Thug Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by

2005-10-03T14:48:00.000-04:00

Playing unbreakable- Alica Keys

I was in church today and my pastor preached a sermon without a title, but it was great. The sermon came from Jeremiah Chp. 20 v. 7-11. Basically, it was Jeremiah at his wits ends with purpose. He was doing the will of God, but it caused him so much persecution, that he decided that he was never going to preach/prophesy again. He didn’t want to mentions God’s name! However, his purpose was so entrenched in him he could not help himself. He had to fulfill his destiny. Sometimes our talents, gifts, potential, etc. can be our greatest source of aggrevation. We become frustrate with the manifestation of our desires, talents, gift, etc being fulfilled. We need to re-direct that energy and let it frustrate us to the point that we take a chance. Leap out on faith and try to fulfill those dreams, desires, passions, etc. Lets stop looking at are circumstances thinking that we can’t accomplish what we desire because of our past mistake or unwise decisions that have placed us in this frustrating place. Let forget those things and let us press towards the things that we are truly passionate about. When the circumstances say no…we need not to take that at face value. Yes, your gpa may not be what it should be, but does that mean u eliminate the possibility of attending a school that you desire (within reason of course). And if u believe in a higher power let God prove himself. Sometimes God makes the way blurry for us, because he wants us to trust him. However, u can’t wavier in your trust, because if you do..you’re not believe. Thus, u can’t receive anything.

Now everyone knows the predicament I’m in when it comes to school. It’s either sink or swim. Well, let me give you an update. One class…I’m doing well (possibly an A), other class a B. This is great, but these two classes really don’t profit me much in the grand scheme of things. I can get a D in these classes and it wouldn’t hurt me at all. The two classes I need to graduate are the problem. I must get an A and a C or two Bs. Well, I took a test for one of them on Tuesday along with the other test. I bomb! It looks like I made a F on this test. Now I know I study for the other test more, which was stupid on my behalf and I cramped a little, but I was not expecting an F. I did well on all the suggested, practice and old exams problems I’m like H to the nawl. This can’t be right. It will be official on Monday. Hopefully, this is a mistake. The other class, I missed the first test because of my scalp issues…oh the head is doing fine by the way. So I won’t know how well I’m doing in that class until the final exam. I’m like God this is going to be something. Y’all make sure u say prayers for your boy. I ordered my invitation anyway (that was me acting on faith). I have faith that this class thing will come together. Second, I have to appeal to the school because I didn’t attend summer school for 9 hours (I need 3 more). I’m like what in the world!

Playing “Sorry for the stupid thing” –Babyface (this Grown and Sexy album is the truth)

My aunt just moved back to our hometown, because she was sick of 305. So I will see my baby girls more (little cousins).

I’m being extra-alert this week. Usually, when I’m doing well spiritually I have a tendency to mess it up! Especially, when I’m a little disgruntled by current state. Trying to find a quick fix or whatever I’ll seek out to do- I need not do it! We need to learn how to wait and trust in the unseen.

I’m going to call Silky, but I’m not going to take her out or anything. I’m going to keep it on that friendly tip. After all, she is living with an ex associate of mine. No beef we just don’t talk now.

I’m sexual frustrated! Okay, before you guys think I’m this sexed crazed person, let’s reconsider the facts. 22 and I haven’t had sex, so you can imagine! Plus, this isn’t usually a BIG issue. It’s something about these last two weeks. And for the new readers this is by choice. I’m trying to wait till marriage-lets see if I make. God help! And for those who are wondering…no, u can’t have those touch myself moments (was that too much?…lol). Well, some people (Christians) debate that fact, but I’m going to play it safe. If you do……hey, that’s u. What are you're thoughts on that? I've heared so many arguments, but I'm like your stimuli will cause u to lust. Thus, you've sinned...Idunno, give me your feedback.

People are so selfish do u know one of my friends got really piss because I didn’t want to divulge my business. I’m like you can’t help me, why am I going to tell you everything. If you can’t give me an answer…then, I realize this person was trying to get close to me, but I didn’t care. Respect my space-darn!

Matters at hand

2005-09-28T22:55:00.000-04:00

An Illusion
Today was the career fair and I realize I don't know what I want to do. The pay range seems to be around early-mid thirty thousand. That's not going to work! I looked around and talked to a few companies. I realize I have no ideal what I really want to do for a profession. All of this time I've been saying that I'm going to work after graduate..blah, blah, blah. I don't know what I want to do. Sales, it will do, but I it's not ideal. Management seems a little bit more reasonable, but not for Buckle, Walgreen, etc. No! That is not it! So here I am Senior graduate in December and I don't know what I want to do. I'm freaked out, very uncertain. It's press time folks and I don't know what I want to do. This isn't a good feeling. I left Career fair early-I was just done. This is not the dream that was sold to me. You go to school, learn what you are interested in, u get the job you desire b/c u worked hard and excelled in academics and leadership. That was definitely an illusion. I'm an idealist....darn me!

Playing Mariah ft. Jay-z & Young Jeez "Shake it off" (remix)

Okay, this girl lets call her silky. She has a boyfriend, but before they were dating she was trying to get at me. She is cute and is definitely going places. Warning: This is about to sound ignorant and slightly racist. She does not look very black. There is something about black women that I just love. She's mixed I'm assuming. Possibly arabian and lation..I'm not sure. Plus, she doesn't have that extra spark, but she was looking awesome today! Now she has been trying to get in contact with me for sometime(~3 months), but I never called back. When we ran into each other today she made sure I had her number and I assured her I was going to call her. Funny thing, the dude who was trying to get at her while she was trying to talk to me was an associate of mine. Now they stay together..yes, u read right. Why is she still pressed for me to call her. It's weird. Idunno. Reason why I'm weary of this whole "lets kick it thing". Most of my beef/fall out with guys have something to do with a girl. Dudes always thought I was trying to take their girlfriend and they are ready to fight me. Know your boy never backs down, he makes negros back down. Heck to my surprise some dudes were mad at me b/c they thought their dude liked me. How they got that idea I don't know.

I'm pissed with my chapter. They have fallen off...I'm laying back b/c I don't want to step on the toes of my brother and friend, but I'm sick of the lack-luster performance. I'm his biggest supporter, but we want from being one of premier to subpar in the matter of a summer and 6 weeks of school - I'm not please. However, I'm letting him have his presidency, but if things don't change quickly. I will intervene.

Extra, Extra...read all about it
My hair is so much better thank goodness. I can get rid of durag. I'm hurt'em with this edge. Yeah, I can be cocky...this my space get over it.

I'll tell you all about test when the grades come in.

I had this crazy praise & worship thing going on this morning...I just had a good time praising the lord.

Give me some feedback on that Silky, Career fair, everything...

Lil' Kim being compared to Lauryn this has got to be a freakin' joke

Random

2005-09-25T22:57:00.000-04:00

I feel like being a h*e. This is bad, I know...what's wrong with me? It's in my DNA, it's not my fault. A lot of the men in my family are h*oes. Of course, my being who I am, I will not indulge in any sort of debauchery. I just feel...idunno. I Couldn't be whorish anyway...my body is too precious to me. Your body is a temple folks.

I have so much junk to do (3 test; 1 Monday, 2 Tuesday) and I don't feel like doing anything. I got a lot done yesterday, but there is so much more to do.

Why don't I feel the need to be needed like my other friends? Darn, me for being this independent/self reliant person.

Why can't I be that vulnerable person? Arrghh

What is the theme song for cold case?

I have to graduate, but I'm just not feeling school. Haven't since last year, so why am I continuing...b/c I'm the golden child. I'm the promise

Why am I not motivated to seek out post-graduate jobs....LAWD! So much to do so little time.

Something has taken my zeal. I think it has something to do my personality. I feel the need to be tough. No time for mourning, pitty, any of that emotional stuff. When stuff really hits me and I want to run away, I stand right there and take everything in stride. I dare not show fear or any of that emotional stuff. I think that tough crap has worn me down. I need a darn retreat. Even though that is not what I need...I need something to revive my spirits. Somebody/thing that brings a new prospective, feeling...just something new.

Okay, I got to study fo'real. I got to graduate!

Bring me down...not possible!

2005-09-20T04:42:00.000-04:00

I always knew that one day They'd try to bring me down, one day, they tried to bring me down Always knew that one day, they'd try to bring me down, way down

You see, if you evern wanted to ever be anything There'd always be somebody that shoot down any dream There'll always be haters, that's the way it is Hater niggaz marry hater bitches and have hater kids But they gon' have to take my life 'fore they take my drive

Why you come here, I bet it only it was forget to get ya What kind of dream we found, see I'm often at your cross way forgetting it was that heaven let ya. They tried to bring me down
*not sure if that makes any sense, but that's what this page says. copied and pasted

Anyway, had to get that off my chest, enjoy my previous post....They can't bring me down. Man, I feel this song right now. I just heard it like 30 mins. ago and I had to share...it's fits me right now! This was just a vent..continue with my real life...enjoy previous post! When I get well I'm going to be in some people's @$$es b/c they are showing out

Beauty is deceptive

2005-09-19T13:33:00.000-04:00

Playing "Heaven"- Mary, Mary

"Beauty is Vain"

This statement has never been more true for me than now. Being beautiful/handsome is so deceptive, it's like a vapor. You can be beautiful/handsome at one moment and one event could change everything.

Playing "Great is the Lord"-Dorinda Clark-Cole

Well, let me tell you about my experience. First, sick people make me SICK (figuratively). I hugged this girl who tells me latter that she is sick. Well, later on that night I'm traveling out of town with brothers to go to a reception I mention in my previous post. I'm looking good (I must say so myself), but I keep saying my lip feels like it's cut or something. Next day I got a darn fever blister. I'm pissed!

The story doesn't end there. I'm glutton for punishment, right? I have been talking about getting a bald head for some time. I finally did it the week before last (it was cut the day before reception). One of my brothers cut my hair in his bathroom (I may post a pic). Some people loved it and some ppl didn't care for it, but nobody thought it looked bad. Well, my hair starts growing back and I had patches. I'm like u have got to be kidding me, but people made it seem like it was normal, so I let it slide. However, I buy Sulfur 8 (medicated hair grease) thinking that would help balance everything. Two days later my head is on fire. Imagine Denzel in Malcom X. My head is all in the tub, trying to cool it off. I can't take it anymore Sunday I go to doctor they don't know exactly what is going on. They give me a prescription for extremely dry skin. They couldn't find any bacteria or anything, so that was their best guess. I could have avoid this possible if I would have done my research on this before I jumped down in someone's seat.

Now I'm walking around with the ugly lip and patched head. Good thing is my hair is so low u can't really tell, but I don't go out unless I have too.

forget cute, get competent.

Outside

2005-09-10T18:34:00.000-04:00

"Irreversibly Falling in between And it's hard To be understood As you are, and God knows That you're standing on your own"
-Mariah Carey "outside"

Being an outsider, that's the issue of the post. Plus, I'll give some updates. I had never heard this song by Mariah Carey (not really a fan), but someone was talking about how deep the song is. Of course, they played it, because they are in love with her. But the song is talking about being neither here or there. You are in between and it seems like you just don't fit. And accepting that fact and being cool with it.

I've been "the outsider" all my life. Even though for most of my life I was popular, I always felt like someone who was looking in. Despite the fact that I was in the middle of a lot the action. I'm cool with being an outsider, but I have days when I ask why can't I be like everyone else. Why do I have different standards, why can't I be one dimensional. I don't know why I have all these facets, it aggravates me from time to time. My friends think I'm mysterious for some reason. I tell them everything (just about) and sometimes I tell them too much, but they still feel like I this complex person. I'm not! The more honest I am, the more people misunderstand me. Everyone appreciates my blunt, yet, tactful approach. I think we have become so accustom to reading into what people are saying we read to deep. I have somethings I believe in and at times things conflict. In most cases, my belief system over rules my personal opinion; especially when it to my walk with God. I'm usually never extreme one way or another,which often times leave me on the outside. For example, I am a man, but I'm not this sports or video game fanatic. If it's on I have some leisure time I may watch or play, but for some guys that's all they talk about, so what do we have to discuss. On the other hand, I don't want to discuss your outfit either.

Every now and then I just get away from everyone and really don't talk to anyone, because I'm in a zone. During those times I just gathering myself, evaluating where I am, who I am, who is surrounding me, what they are bringing and taking. And I always come to the conclusion that most (90%) of these people do not fit me well. Most of them are extremist to me in one area or another. I can't find someone in the middle with me. I'm not saying that these people don't have different facets or that their opinions and actions are lacking diversity, they just are different from me in some way that is a major part of MY TRUTH. They are too much of this or not enough of that and you feel out of place. Now these people love me and I love them, but sometimes I really do not want to deal with them. However, a good percentage of these people have my best interest in mind, so I keep them around. I think many of them are extra because they are trying to relate to me. I hate that, be yourself. And I'm finding a lot of people aren't comfortable with just being them or they are not sure who they are. They would be offend if you shared that with them, because they are always claiming to be real or really in touch with who they are, but they have convinced no one, but themselves of that fact. And the ones who know who they are have tendency to be too much, I do not know, maybe I'm the problem.

But this is my bottom line (I've been rambling for too long). It's tough be the one who is neither here or there. You never fit well! I say well because I think no one will fit perfectly with anyone you have to work at it. And if you think it's perfect, give it time. Well, I asked this question to the person who is in love with the song, "Do you think it's best to keep things to yourself ?" There response was yes, somethings you keep to yourself, because people may not be able to handle all of you. Are you the outsider, how do you cope, etc. Any feedback is good.

Extras:
I'm actually keeping up in school, but I still miss a class or two. You would have thought I would have this class thing down by now.

I hate the job I got in the summer, but I can't find another one that I like, so I'm stuck for now. I can't get my old job back....BOO!

Our Black Student Union (BSU) put on a forum that has caused a riot. Essentially, the greeks trashed the community service organization (especially the greek letters ones), which has caused all type of division. I'm like oh father...this is BS I don't know what happen to the U. We will only progress if we stick together people.

I went to Savannah Friday night to celebrate with a brother. The fraternity continues to get up and praise, praise...themselves...lol. Nawl, they praise him too.

Someone cut our screen and stole my cousin's bike aint that some crap. Whomever did that, better hope we don't see them on it or that's their bleeps. He's not trippin' though, he is 16 going on 17 he is thinking about a car..lol.

Blind and unguided Into a world divided You're thrown Where you're never quite the same Although you try-try and try To tell yourself You really are But in your heart-uncertainty forever lies And you'll always be Somewhere on the outside -"Outside"

*Excuse the grammar...what the heck y'all know what's up by now. I don't edit-nuff said. peace

Can't sleep

2005-09-05T00:58:00.000-04:00

I can't sleep
I am inhaling the possibilities of us.
I am wrapped in the touches I never felt
I am entrapped by the what ifs
I am eating all the words that went unspoken
My mind is saturated with the thoughts of loving you.
I can't sleep

my truth, my journey (pt2)

2005-08-28T02:49:00.000-04:00

Kissing Game
My best female friend and I kissed. Yep, I stole a kiss from her. I didn't find her attractive, but it was time for me to kiss someone, so I did. I slide it in by talking about something my older cousin did and said they did it like this. BAM! I kissed her. Do you know this girl waited until a lot of our friends were around to bring it back up. I got so mad, I snatched half of the zillions of beads she had in her head out. I got my behind beat
Lesson: Make sure the person you do anything with understand the terms of the interaction(s). Be prepared for whatever you do to come back up...think about that before you do it.

I betcha you want.....
This is a funny lesson and proves you can learn from anything. I was around 9 and in my neighborhood I had developed a reputation of never being scared. Basically, I was a fool. However, I was convinced I had to keep it real. Anytime you wanted me do something, make it seem like I was afraid of doing it. I have step to five dudes daring them to fight, cuss out everything from adults to bus drivers, but this dare I really regret. For some reason people use to jump off the second floor of our buildings and one day someone dared my behind to jump off. I was like nawl man, I'm not going to do that junk. I may hurt myself. Then, they were like what you scared? Nawl, I aint scared, I'm just not going to do it. Nawl, nigga you scared. Who? I aint scared. Well, a few mins. later my behind is trying to jump off the 2nd floor with flip flops on. Next thing you know I'm dangling from a stair case and one of my flip flops have fallen off. I'm yelling like a fool and I can't pull myself up because of how the stair case is design. People are coming out of their house trying to figure out what's wrong. No one really could help me, so I had to jump down. My feet were hurting for the rest of the day, but them dudes could never say I was too scared.
Lesson: Sometimes keeping it real is not the best thing for your being. If someone dares u to do something and they won't do it themselves first DON'T DO IT!

By myself
Okay, you either have a friend or you are the friend that never fights, but talks a lot of mess, but never does anything. Well, my homeboy from my childhood was the one in the crew. He had to cry and get really upset to fight someone and he was the pretty (really high yellow, hazel eyes, etc), so you know he was the easy target. He actually had a decent hand game, but he was scary. Well, our 8th grade year this dude and his friends decided to try him. They bullied him all the way home. I'm standing at the gate and I see the tears and I go off. I know you didn't let these niggas try u like that blah, blah. I change close looking to beat some bleep (can't mess up your good stuff..lol). Every since that day, me, dude, and his whole crew had beef. My homeboy who got bullied became friends with dude. I ended up fighting one of the dudes ( I whipped his behind..he got one lick and that was because he stole me when people were pulling me off him) and we've been enemies since (aint that some mess). Haven't seen each other in awhile, but it's not worth anything now.
Lesson: Don't take on people's personal problems. A lot of times you care more than they do. You up worried, they are sleep. HECK NAWL!

Boys Don't Cry (flashback)
Ummm...my mom was a stolid person. She brought me things to prove her love. Man, I had everything(clothes, every game, pool table, etc). She was tough-"I aint going to raise no punk". Those words sit in my memory to this day I was around 10. I was crying about something that she felt wasn't noteworthy. I remember running away from her thinking I'm not going to shed another tear (crying is for b****es). I learned crying was weak and boys/men are strong. Since then, I've learned how to turn my emotions on and off. Thus, I don't get attached easily and some ppl who want a lot of emotions out don't get them.
Lesson: Being all emotional is for women or the weak. This was a bad lesson and unfortunately every relationship I had and will have will face this challenge. I'm more liable to be attached and venerable with my friendships than relationships. I'm starting to balance out more and more.

When it all falls down
I transferred from one middle school to another. My mom took me out of my previous middle school in the middle of the year (BIG MISTAKE). She was tried of my behavior and grades. I was really trying to thug it out then. I was telling teachers to shut up, getting subpar grades, fighting (just a few she never knew-shhh. She encouraged one fight-so hood, I know). She couldn't take it anymore! She was tired of beating me and I was tired of getting beat. She use to whup my behind my aunt occasionally had to stop her (she whipps ***). When I started going to my new middle school I went from being pretty popular at my initial school to a ladies man (that never happen before). The guys hated me. I was always popular everywhere I went. If you didn't like me, that meant I was bulling you or something ( I remember starting a mini-racial fight in elementary school. I had black kids whipping the fool out of these white kids), but I was generally a good guy and every loved me. In a matter of a week and a half I was the mosted hated. The previous week I was a cool with the "popular dudes". What happen? Jealousy. I was new, the girls liked me, and the dudes turned against me. Spreaded rumors like crazy. People who didn't know me were bumping me, giving me attitude. Normally, I wouldn't have taken this bleep, but I was new and I didn't know anyone (outside of my cousin(a girl) who got transferred too). They tried to jump me several times, but it never happen (they wanted to see if I was a punk). I showed little weakness. my response was always-do what you gotta do). I ate alone, they even tried to gleek (a form of spitting) on me, couldn't do PE (physical ed), b/c they kept stealing my clothes, it was bad. I tried to fight one of them when I saw them by themselves, but he was a punk. He was nothing by himself. It got to the point that I learned how to carry blades and I started carrying them just in case something jumped off. I was going to fugged one of them up good. The next school year the zoning changed for schools and a few of my friends came to that school. People who hated me the previous year, were trying to be buddy-buddy.
Lesson: People are like elevators they can take you up and they can take you down (if you let them). This taught me how to stand on my own. This is one of the most influential periods in my identity of self. My circles of friends became smaller and being popular was no longer a priority.

Speak to my heart
On new years eve 1999 a friend of mine was killed. Essentially, he died for a packet of black and milds, $40, and someone's ego. My cousin and I thought to ourselves it's time for us to get our lives together. We may not have as much time as we think before we see God. So we made a pact that we would do it together. I went to church the next Sunday she misses that service. The preacher does the altar call and I feel it all in my chest, but I wait (this man had me in tears almost). My cousin and I had a pact. The next Sunday same thing, this time I go up there by myself. I didn't feel anything, but I knew I had just made a serious decision.
Lesson: Things aren't what they look like. His demise was my redemption. In addition, just because you don't feel or see something initially that doesn't mean nothing has occurred.

To be continued...............

Back to the books

2005-08-26T04:57:00.000-04:00

"You can freeball bleep, you don't even have to wear draws"

-Trick Daddy (don't be offend read on...it will makes sense later)

I'll be back with part 2 on Monday or so (thanks for all of the love). Schools is back in....booo. I'm taking 14 credit hours and I must do well B or better 2 out of 4 classes (I've done this before). For those of you who have been reading y'all know what's up. Say a prayer for a brother...I must graduate. I was at work today and I observed something that I want you all to be mindful of. Sidenote: All of my books are like $100+ what is this all about? I need a miracle!

Freeballing
I was at work today and I experience the worst scenario for a freeballer. For those of you who enjoying flowing freely be mindful of your attire for your sake and others. This girl at my job was freeballing and this chick decides to wear some nylon cargo type shorts that were a tad-bit too big. So throughout our shift the crack of her bleep is showing. I want to pull her aside and tell her what was going and how wrong she was for making all of us suffer, but I don't know here like that. Plus, subconsciously, I think I may have found it funny; yet, nasty as out get out. You would think people's mother would teach them better.

FAMU
I went there Wednesday. Yes, I skipped class already...I'm suppose to be turning over a new leaf. I went there to handle some business for my organization (did not this aid in my failures last school year). I drove all the way up there in the yota. I don't know if you all know it or not, but the yota is lacking a/c. I was sweating like whitney....it was terrible. The only pleasure I had was my gospel cd (j.moss is what's up for gospel music). Once I got finish handling some business, I chilled with a graduate brother from FSU, then I went to FAMU's campus to sit in on one their e-board meeting. I was trying to find someone who was going to the free Trey Songz concert. Well, none of them were going. What?! A FREE concert and none of them were going. What was that all about? Homie can sing though, he is not studio. He sung live on the radio.

Extra
Obviously, BET is confused. They forgot to list me as one of the 25 hottest males. Somebody must lose their job behind such carelessness. I didn't see the show, but I asked my mom did she see me. Her response "no you didn't make it this year". Clearly, there has been a mistake. If anyone else is offend that they didn't make the list..let it be know!

Part 2 to my journey, my truth will be up by Monday (fo'real)

Music Monday

2005-08-22T00:26:00.000-04:00

Songs that ride out, but everyone thinks they are whack. No, you're whack b/c you listen to them. Most of these songs will be throw back songs. Don't forget about the Extra at the bottom

"Stay" by Lisa Loeb

You say I only hear what I want to. You say I talk so all the time so.

And I thought what I felt was simple, And I thought that I don't belong, And now that I am leaving, Now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I missed you. Yeah, I missed you.

And you say I only hear what I want to: I don't listen hard, I don't pay attention to the distance that you're running Or to anyone, anywhere, I don't understand if you really care, I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no.

So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up, And this woman was singing my song: The lover's in love, and the other's run away, The lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay.

Some of us hover when we weep for the other who was Dying since the day they were born. Well, this is not that: I think that I'm throwing but I'm thrown. And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure. You try to tell me that I'm clever, But that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.

You said that I was naive, And I thought that I was strong. I thought, "hey I can leave, I can leave." But now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you.

You said, "I caught you 'cause I want you and one day I'll let you go." You try to give away a keeper, or keep me 'cause you know You're just scared to lose. And you say, "Stay."

You say I only hear what I want to.

Extra!! Extra!!

Have you ever in your long legged life had a friend who mad you question you alls friendships? I have this friend, we roll deep, but I think dude thinks he has to compete with me. First of all, that's impossible (what are u thinking?). Second, we aren't competing. Why should I compete when I'm my own standard ( God sets the standard for me-can u get any higher?). Third, we are friends fool! He tries to kick me when it "appears" that I'm down and he's up. Says little slick things and I'm thinking what's wrong with this dude.
Proofing, I know, I know, I know-I just can't do it. It's too much work. I know it would make my entries flow so much better, but I can't do it (I'm lazy and I'm a business major we don't write much). I'll try to catch things during my first draft. How does that sound?
The "My Truth, My Journey" entries are still coming. Fo'real!
I'm in revival-I feel SO GOOD SPIRITUALLY!

Nolia Clap

2005-08-18T06:33:00.000-04:00

*Since I was gone for awhile, I've posted two post ( Y'all know I love y'all more than Whiteny loves that wig she keeps wearing). Y'all promise to read both, right? And all the bloggers say OF COURSE, TRUTH...YOUR OUR BOY! I didn't hear anything, but I'm going to be checking for comments on both entries)...don't cause to blogsmack your butts! edit [I haven't seen any comments for the second entry...don't I need to prepare my virtual hand?]

The debauchery and the crunkness of the city was beyond belief (these ppl almost had sex on the balacony of this place, they may have I turned away after he start taking off her bra and the drinks never stop flowing there). I was like Jesus Christ! However, I secretly like that type of caring on-the crunkness, uncertain of the deauchery part (shhh...don't tell nobody). I had to remind myself several times.....I'm living for God. That place makes u want to get loose. No, let me tell the truth (that is part of my name, right?)...u want to get loose and that place brings that out. And of course, I let my better judgment keep me from participating in the festivities. Bruhs would have been shocked by my antics. If I would have just let the whole truth and nothing but the truth be release. I'm the good guy most of them are mindful of me when they speak, act out, etc.

However, some of it was a bit much. Stripper clubs were everywhere. They actually had the doors open to these places with the strippers sitting out there with their strippers uniform. I was like wt heck. And don't let one of them get bold enough to step out in the street and let u know what's up. The showing of the breast was a given. It's N O, expect nothing less. sidenote: The malls suck for a big city. The police there are a joke! No wonder they have the highest murder rate-their efforts are despicable.

Whisky Blue (it's in the W hotel) is a nice place to chill out with a group of friends to converse and drink . We went there every night and of course, yours truly had a coke or some water ( I was a little ashame to order that at first). Bring your own friends, b/c most ppl are with a group. Ppl in the N O are easy to talk to. I really played on that "I'm not from here thing". My bruhs were unusually cautious about talk to women, so I initiate everything. I felt really confident, so I was just approaching folks (plus, I had my grown man thing going). There is a restaurant called "Mulates" or something like that...GREAT FOOD. A little pricey bring at least $25 (includes tax and tips). One bruh tried to be cheap....appetizer, desert and a drink $17+...I clown his cheap butt and he still was hunger..lol. That junk was funny. Obviously, he didn't exam the menu carefully. We laughed from packing to unpacking. It was the funniest trip ever-one of the best traveling trips with the brothers. The shriners (I'm not a shriner) were everywhere-they were having a conference of some sort. We never got into the house of blues. The night we knew we were getting in it was a Bobby Valentino after party that was $15. First, I don't club. Second, $15 what for who? third, too many girls will be focus on him. Because of the competition a lot places are free. When someone said pay for something, we looked at them like they were speaking French or something. Us negros pay? Clearly, you are mistaken.

Oh I can't forget there was this lady who sung her butt off at this jazz bar/club. Last name Griffin. I want to say here first name is michelle or mary. She sings back up for Ms. Patti Labelle, so that lets you know her vocal skills are up to par. Think Tina Truner with a nice range and a voice not quite that rasp or harsh. This chick can blow! We missed most of the show we caught the last 10-15 mins. We came in on purple rain-this chick killed it (that is not an easy task). Her back ground was no joke either.

Everyone there is a hustler....do u know some folks make money by standing still and putting a half cocked uniform on. I'm like goddog...I've seen it all. Overall, it's a cool place to visit-no where to stay. Dirrrtttyyyy!!!!! It's just too much, everything is just too much. This trip was need. Yes, I'm broke...I have like $40-50 in the bank total. Good thing I stay at home now-huh?

Car rental 280+
Hotel:2 nights free b/c of credit card pts, one night fee $71
Gas: ~$190
Bonding w/ bruhs: priceless

********************READ THE Blog below this ENTRY*********
That 3 prt series "my truth, my journey" is still coming...on the real, I have to edit some of the material...it maybe too much.