Saturday, June 03, 2006

Me and this beautiful Blog of mine

I'm a little upset. This blog has not turned into the catharsis that I desire it to be. Originally, I made a blog just to do something. Then, I thought this would be a great way to document my life. I didn't (still don't) proof or edit much at all. Then, I wanted comments (never got, but recently (like a month or two ago) I wanted this blog to be more personal. I write about things that are rather personal on here (especially, when I first started), but there are somethings I really want to write about, but I cannot. Putting up those darn pictures (I enjoyed your comments though) and telling some friends about the blog prevents me. Yes, sometimes I want to blog about y'all behinds. Despite the fact, I tell y'all just about everything. I want to beable to say it like I want without worrying about somebody's feelings. Maybe, it's for the best.

This date, two years ago, I received a called it was 3:30 am and I was at my aunt's house. This call would change my life forever. The previous day I drove down to Tampa to watch my father die. I refused anyone's assistance. I wanted to go alone. I remember standing by the bed and telling him "I'll be fine You can go now" My father and I had not spoken in 2 or 3 years. However, his passing sent me into a spiral, that took me a year and a half to come out of. I never had to deal with death/lost/goodbye before. My strength became my weakness. My superman complex worked against me this time. This truth was I wasn't fine and I didn't know how to grieve. However, I put on my cape and did my best to be superman. For the most part, I was superman still. President of this, director of that, mcnair scholar, etc. Yet, I was broken, scared, wounded. However I can say today I'm healed! I may have some scars, but I'm heald!


At 3:13 AM, Blogger brooklyn babe said...

Came across a great saying that reference scars to wisdome, because you can look back at each scar, as a lesson or enlightment.

Trails do not come into our life to break us down, but to build us up. So in essence, you are superman.
And making it to Tampa was a blessing not a curse.

Peace and Blessing
Bk Babe

At 8:20 AM, Blogger Ladynay said...

BB pretty much said what my comment was gonna be....

At 5:53 PM, Blogger chris said...

Amen. I am glad that you are healed.

At 10:30 PM, Blogger Ty said...

I'm sorry to hear about your father. But at least you were able to say your peace before he passed and I am glad to hear that you have grown from that situation and are healed. Keep him in your heart.

At 9:34 PM, Blogger Ms. Behavin' said...

I feel you on the whole sharing of the blog thing. I have not told any of my friends of my blogging. Part of the joy of it for me is the anonymity of the whole thing. Without it, I don't know if I would have much use for blogging.

At 2:10 PM, Blogger 4GOTTEN1 said...

The important thing to take from this is that you did heal... You went through something that most of us wouldn't know how to cope with and you survived it. It's all about survival and you did that. Your father and everyone else would be proud of that.

As far as the blog thing maybe you should start a new one under a different name that way your friends will not know about it. Fuck that just write how you feel now If it hurts there feelings tell them maybe they shouldn't read it. This is about you being honest about your feelings sort of like a journal....and this time it's just not for them to read.


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