Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I'm taking my freedom (trying to)

*silence in the atmosphere*

Life presents circumstances that leads us into place with limits, clouds our self-esteem, and floods our mind with doubt. So much so, our goals and dreams seem locked away from us, we question ourselves and our abilities. We are trapped in a form of bondage. Sure, you walk around freely, because this war takes place in the mind. This battle goes beyond what the human eye can see. Your friends, family nor enemies can see this. This battle is in your head, so no one can see your struggle. Oh no, my friend, this battle is between you and yourself. Despite the fact that uncertain wears you like a garment and the circumstances seem to be beyond your control. You control this battle and the victory lies within you.

*That just came off the top of my head. I guess, I should say from my heart. From out of the fullness of the heart, the mouth speaks. I have so much to say right now. Unedited my truth

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Update (I'm doing just fine)

Okay, a brother was a bit frustrated on the last post, but now I'm 100%. Counseled/encouraged myself, read a chapter that was applicable to my situation and ran listening to my music. Before I knew it, the sun was shining again. It was just one of those days when it rains it pours. This weekend was productive. I was proud of all the work I completed. Thursday, was my jump start on a great weekend. I got my oil changed and my next one free (they didn't meet their guaranteed time frame). I felt like such a B**** for nailing them, but not enough to miss that free oil change. I also nailed my barber. If you are going to charge $15 this is going to look as close to perfect as possible. Don't you hate when a barber messes up your edge, because it only gets worse when they try to fix it. I don't even need to mention what a hair cut does for my swagger. I had not had one in like a month and a half. I even excerised. That's something I hate doing, but I was into Thursday. With all the drama that unfolded on Thursday, I was ready for my little business/personal trip this weekend. It was what the doctor ordered. I ate, worked, and laughed the whole time.

My phone is broke, so I have to get another one. I'm trying to figure out when I'm going to Atlanta and find my apartment. Does anyone know of any good apartments? My homie, PG and I are paying phone tag. She keeps her phone on silent. WHY??? Is it just me or does Kelly R. "In love with my ex (remix)" sound better than Beyonce new single?

Thursday, June 22, 2006

????????

I don't understand! Can someone help me figure out the mind of God. It doesn't make sense to me! Sometimes I feel like everything is a set up. Almost a joke...you thought you had it...hahaha I was just kidding. Resting in his peace, but not pleased.

My truth Frustrated............throws up hands and publishes post

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Powerful...check it out

I have seen this video several times, but this time I wanted to share it with you all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnbdiww5jL0

Monday, June 19, 2006

I find it hard to say

I find it hard to say:

  • I was at a Bar-B-Que this weekend and I found out that a girl I talked to was married. It made me feel idunno really, but it wasn't a pleasant feeling (nothing to dwell on, but an unpleasant surprise). I thought I would have received a wedding invitation or something.
  • I need some companionship. Where did this feeling come from..darn, darn, darn
  • Sometimes Christians are bigots
  • I should care more, but I don't ( I think my non-verbal expresses this well).
  • I was actually starting to heart you (you will never get the satisfaction).
  • You are a sorry m*****fu**** and you should resign. (I'm too compassionate).
  • Don't call me with more BS! (I'm on the verge)
  • You have f***ed up (I'm not going to state the obvious)
  • I have fantasize about doing that. (God help me!)

What are you finding hard to say?

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Get it right, Get it tight

Playing~"Never gonna let you go" by Faith Evans

Did anyone see Oprah last Thursday? Well, my mom did and called me to see it. I'm not sure what the topic was about, but I know a piece of it had to do with coming out to your parents, which lead to a very interesting convo. with my mother. She talked about this new married guy at her job who she thinks is suspect. "He loves to talk about gay this, gay that." "Something is up with that nigga." She makes sure no one takes advantage of him though. The mother on Oprah is devastated that her daughter is gay. At first, I was like what the heck is her problem. Then, I thought she feels like the dreams she had for her daughter aren't going to be fulfilled (we know this is not true). This lady was pretty pissed. I was like darn. "Mom what would you do in that situation?" Mom: "I would be pissed (she felt like the lady regarding the dreams for your child). I would go off, then realize that's your @**. "What am I mad for?" You do what you want to do." My mom tickles me (as my grandmother would say)...I was like darn! "That's your @**"..whoa. I don't know why I was surprise by my mother, she is raw like that. I tried to catch her off guard "how do you know that's their a** . " Her "Well, somebody is getting bleep." At this point, I realize there is no catching her off guard. I pulled back. The dark-skin guy from Top Model confuses her. "my truth, he is ugly." She think gay males should be attractive. I love my mom, but being PC is not here thing. She misses it

I have set up a goal that I will obtain. To obtain a home before I turn 26. I'm 22 now, but 23 is next month. This birthday sucks, nothing special about it at all. It makes me feel old...Idunno. If I want to obtain this goal, I have to get it together now. I'm a grown @** man. Not really, I have to wait until August to make that comment and have the credentials to back it up, but you know what I mean. I hope everyone knows they can get a free credit report. If you don't, please let me know. I will direct you to the website. If you are smart, you can get a free one every 4 months. Hey, some people in my family are a mess. I was relieved to find out I didn' t have any credit issues. However, I wasn't please with that score. It wasn't because I didn't pay my bills. Truth, don't play that! I haven't had that long to establish credit, but next year this time, I should be well off in the 700s. Be smart while trying to boost your score. Paying off all of your credit card debit may not do what you expect (it will not hurt you if you do). They are looking for consistency. Not how much money you make. Let me fall back, I'm not trying to be anyone's financial advisor.

Aint no feeling like being free

Playing in the atmosphere:~"Do you know" by Donnie (you have to get his album)

Mood:Delightful!

I feel so good. Despite the fact I look how Christina M. must feel...BAD. {singing} I feel so so so good. Have you ever just let go of a bad habit (person or act)? If so, you know the release you feel. The habit is counter productive and it bears no fruit. When I realized I was doing it just because. It was like, I woke up..."why am I forcing this?" "It stops today." I don't know why Mr. Logic escaped me in this area. He usually sticks real close and the alarm goes off early without the option of pushing snooze.

In addition, I had a chance to talk to a friend. Confession is good for the soul. Just saying how you feel is freeing. Never underestimate the spoken word. There is a danger and a comfort with being transparent. Today, I experienced the comfort. Thanks friend

I was toiling with something...why do we pray? Outside of the reason you are suppose to. I don't like to practice useless rhetoric. God has a divine plan and what was meant to be will be, right? Then, another friend (I have great friends) says even God had to speak "let there be light" Yes, he could have willed it, but he spoken it. Me: "Hmm...great point!" "Well, I'm speaking life to some of my situations." Now, I will be a fool to think because I prayed things are going to fall out of the sky. I believe prayer open doors for us. Opportunities are afforded to us that we must actively look for "Faith without works is dead." Just food for thought

Playing~"Ye Yo" by Erykah Badu (one of her background singers does this roll in the live version that blows me)

My truth, my journey

Thursday, June 15, 2006

I'm just being me

In the Dell DJ:"holla at me"~DJ. Khaled

I have a tendency to get on people's nervous. Not in the agitating way, but because "you didn't do what I wanted you to do" way. I'm an only child, so the extra need for approval or fit in with my sibling(s) is missing for me. I do me. When I don't want to answer the phone, I don't. If it's important leave a message and I'll call you back at my connivance. I have one close friend who is quite demanding not only in time, but the need for you to follow his lead. I'm definitely the wrong brother for that. This is where I usually piss him off. I usually see everyone perspective and take it into consideration and provide my feedback that way. Intimidation factors don't work me, which is his tact he will employ. It usually pisses me off and causes conflict.

At this time, I have a few people how are whatever with me because I was having a good day and they wanted to give me information that wasn't positive. I was not pressed to get involved in the manner. I will get to that when I get to it. It's was not urgent. Plus, it would have messed up my whole vibe. When I went over all the information, I'm sure they didn't agree with my response. They wanted "What! I'm pissed off" and I wasn't, so why pretend? I thought some of the person concerns were valid, but their approach was terrible. I stated just that and I was done with it. Has anyone ran into this problem with friends?

Monday, June 12, 2006

Torn in between the two

In the background: "Soon as I get home from work"~Babyface

I have been going through a little reflection period (nothing heavy). You know the kind...why am I thus, what is the truth...basically, self evaluation. I'm finding that the truth is relative to everyone and limited to their perception. If one perceives something to be untrue, they have a hard time participating in something that doesn't agree with their personal truth. It doesn't make sense to them. Thus, their belief in that reality dwindles down or they continue with the emotional baggage. For example, people who are Christians. Some people who are Christians may not agree with the doctrine of some pastors. Consequently, they will discontinue their membership at that church or change their beliefs all together. For those who don't change their beliefs or membership they run into a problem of being torn. They are constantly torn between what they feel is true and what they have been taught to be true, which also influences their perception heavily. Agree or disagree with the relativity of truth and how perception limits one's truth.

Give me your thoughts.

In the background: "What if"~ Babyface

Friday, June 09, 2006

lyrics

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?If you are not mine then why does your heart return my callIf you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings But I know you are here with me nowWe'll make it through And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understandIf I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away But I know that this much is trueWe'll make it through And I hope you are the one I share my life withAnd I wish that you could be the one I die withAnd I pray in you're the one I build my home withI hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understandIf I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I amIs there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath awayAnd I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or rightAnd though I can't be with you tonightAnd know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understandIf I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I amIs there any way that I

~Daniel Bedingfield "If you're not the one"

Thursday, June 08, 2006

In the background~"Never Love Again"-Anthony H.

Today, I felt like I was slowly being drained. I think because I made a statement to myself and later faltered on it. Not only did I falter, I consciously did it. Of course, it was not worth it. Usually, you have the delayed...."Why did I do that s**t". There was no delay in my regret. If anything I had a pre feeling. (NO I DIDN'T HAVE SEX!) Right now, I feel something I usually don't feel...Needy. Mr. My Truth, needs someone to hold him down. I need to feel that embrace that makes you feel protected when you are completely vulnerable. You are pouring out all that you are (good and bad) and it's been being absorbed with gladness. I better be over this by tomorrow. I don't have time for this emotional crap. I have too much crap to do. I actually have a test tomorrow. Why am I still taking test? This school stuff is suppose to be over.

Extra tidbits

  • The yota (my car) will have it's a/c back. Thank God riding around with out an a/c is terrible (1.5 year). You can't be fly sweating and crap. Knowing ppl who can work on cars is a blessing. Toyota wanted to charge me $788.83. My mom found someone who could do it for $340. Turns out I didn't need all of the work they suggested. How am I going to find these ppl in Atlanta?
  • I received a rebate from Comcast! Pay ME! My first bill was $223. Boy, this money is coming back in time. A brother is living off saving until I move back to Atlanta.
  • Freak I need a date! A brother needs some conversation. My friends aren't doing it for me. Actually, they are getting on my nerves. I have an issue. I have the perpotency to not do people on almost every level. I think I will blog about that issue. It's a concern of mine.

In the background~"a house isn't a home"-Aretha F. (she sung the crap out of this)

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Me and this beautiful Blog of mine

I'm a little upset. This blog has not turned into the catharsis that I desire it to be. Originally, I made a blog just to do something. Then, I thought this would be a great way to document my life. I didn't (still don't) proof or edit much at all. Then, I wanted comments (never got that...lol), but recently (like a month or two ago) I wanted this blog to be more personal. I write about things that are rather personal on here (especially, when I first started), but there are somethings I really want to write about, but I cannot. Putting up those darn pictures (I enjoyed your comments though) and telling some friends about the blog prevents me. Yes, sometimes I want to blog about y'all behinds. Despite the fact, I tell y'all just about everything. I want to beable to say it like I want without worrying about somebody's feelings. Maybe, it's for the best.

This date, two years ago, I received a called it was 3:30 am and I was at my aunt's house. This call would change my life forever. The previous day I drove down to Tampa to watch my father die. I refused anyone's assistance. I wanted to go alone. I remember standing by the bed and telling him "I'll be fine You can go now" My father and I had not spoken in 2 or 3 years. However, his passing sent me into a spiral, that took me a year and a half to come out of. I never had to deal with death/lost/goodbye before. My strength became my weakness. My superman complex worked against me this time. This truth was I wasn't fine and I didn't know how to grieve. However, I put on my cape and did my best to be superman. For the most part, I was superman still. President of this, director of that, mcnair scholar, etc. Yet, I was broken, scared, wounded. However I can say today I'm healed! I may have some scars, but I'm heald!