Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I want to go back

Music: So Gone-Monica

Mood:Good (I really want to dance)

I want to go back y'all:

I want to go back to the days when we did not know what a bill was.

I want to go back to the days when our main concerns were how fly we were going to look on the first day of school.

I want to go back to the days when one of the first things I did in the summer was put my mom's 10 in' speakers and dance with my cousin(s)

I want to go back to the days when I did not feel the pressure of everyone's expectation.

I want to go back to the days when the choices I made little impact on my future.

I want to go back to the days when you and a friend had the "BIGGEST" fight and forgot about it in 30 mins.

I want to go back to the days when flirting was all it was.

I want to go back to the days when everyone else paid for everything.

I want to go back to the days when the biggest disappointed was people thinking your ideal to entertain everyone was stupid.

It's funny, when I had these days, I fantasize about my current age. Well, being grown aint all it's cracked up to be. I guess there is no happiness anywhere...lol. What do you want to go back to?

Playing:"Doormat"-Mint Condition

Why am I just starting to get productive at 11:00pm? Let me keeping going while the juices are flowing. Back to work!

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Someday we will all be free

Silence is in the background

Mood:chillin'

This weekend has been quite eventful. Thursday and Friday I really enjoyed me. Not really answering calls, just sitting, reading, thinking and I enjoyed every minute of it. I'm an only child, so I need at least one day out of the week to just be with myself.

Well, Saturday comes myself and several other family members decide to pick up a few dollars and work for my aunt and her husband. We are working and the pay is not matching the labor, so people start grumbling and I knew things had the potential to get explosive. Sure enough, there was an altercation and the place was turned out. So much so, one of my aunts had to be escorted off the premises. I missed all of that and I'm happy I did. I have overcome my temper, but I can't take a lot of commotion all at once because it sneaks me and somebody ends up with more than they desired. People are pretty much over it now, but there are still some words that will be said to both my aunt and her husband. Lawd, bless my aunt she tries her best to stay out of it because she is screwed if she speaks either way.

Later that night my mother and I talked about some of everything. We discussed everything from family secrets, her personal secrets, sexuality, and God. Some of the secrets my mother revealed scared me, hurt me, and piss me off. Now I have to carry this crap to my grave. I'm my mother's outlet, so I get a lot, but last night may have been too much. Some of the secrets blew me away. I felt like Milkman from Song of Solomon. I just finished Song of Solomon by the way. The thought has entered my several times to write a book about my mother and her life. She could definitely get a full day on Oprah. Sometimes I look at her, her mother, and her sisters and I wonder how they overcame. No doubt they are scared, bruised and effected to this very day, but they overcame and they are glad about it. I think about some of the things I have been through and some of it is day time television worthy or at least a few pages in a magazine...lol. Some of the stuff I'm just learning to appreciate those incidents made me ME! Never underestimate the human spirit, I guess.

I'm enjoying being home, but I do realize my season here is coming to a close. In august, I'll be back in Atlanta starting my job and trying to establish things there. I was there for two months and was out of the loop. Trying to re-establish another social network is going to be something. I'm so accustom to things like they are, but when I look around they have changed too. I'm certain to find more of my truth on this journey.

"Some day we will be free"-Donny spoke the truth

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

short vent

Playing~"Love It"-Bilal

You know people piss me off (some silly things):

  • Selfish bastards
  • People who play videos on their blog automatically
  • People who hold the door when you are a mile away, then you have to run to the door.
  • Someone who is always going through something and complain about it. SHUT UP!!!! WE ALL GOING THROUGH SOMETHING!
  • People who just don't have their stuff together all the way around. We all have opportunities, but darn!
  • Men who are mad at you b/c their girlfriend or friend likes you

Okay, I'm over it!!!! Just let it out real quick. What are you mad about?

Monday, May 22, 2006

(un)Easy conversation (repost)

Something happen to me while in Atlanta and it made me think of this post and my thoughts on this topic. Back when people actually read my blog, this post received a lot of responses.

"She is a beautiful women. Any man in his right man would be attract to her.....You mean to tell me that you never saw a guy and said he was a good looking guy? NAAWWL, women talk like that. Never? I mean, I saw Billy D. Williams in Lady Sings the Bluest and said he was a cool dude, I was like that's a cool dude." Halle Berry & Eddie Murphy conversation in Boomerang
This brings me to my blog topic.....Male-to-male conversation. I was not aware that given another male a blatant compliment was an unspoken law amongst men. This law was introduced to me when I was in middle school. Six or seventh grade to be exact. We were all getting in line to get our food out of the cafeteria. And someone thought this dude gave another dude a compliment, which cause him to defend his masculinity for all it was worth. He gets loud and ignorant saying "What? That is so gay. What do I look like giving that man a compliment? Do I look gay?" Apparently, he didn't because that ended the accusation of him giving another guy a compliment. I was standing there observing the whole thing. A question came to my mind, what does giving a compliment to another guy has to do with your sexual orientation? I was a little confused. We do know when someone is ugly, right? Consequently, we know when they are handsome, right? I grew up around mostly women, so I never really paid this any attention, but trust I made a mental note not to compliment anyone of the same sex. I never did before, but I made a conscious decision not to. After all, I didn't want to be accused of being gay. But the question still remains, how does complimenting someone tell you about their sexuality? Women do it all the time. "Girl you look good?" Well, I wasn't asking, but I had a clear understand that your androgen level was definitely called into question if you did.

"Nothing even matters"~Lauryn Hill & D'angelo

Until this day, I don't have a concrete answer of why statements of this nature are so detrimental to your sexual orientation. Again, women give each other compliments all the time. Shoot! They talk about each others @$$es, breast, thighs-you get the point. Rather or not I understand it completely I definitely abide by the rules. You DON'T give blatant compliments. You say something is cool, tight, cold, mean, fresh, fly, whatever. And the compliment is never direct, it's always about an item they have on or that belongs to them. If a guy called another guy fine or something to that effect, I could understand the eyebrows raising (for the most part). That definitely implies something, but does it mean that this person is gay? After reading all these books women are like H-to the YEAH!

I just find male-to-male conversation so interesting. I am a male myself and I'm puzzled from time-to-time. I'm like darn, when did we get this insecure. However, I have been guilty of this myself, so I can't talk too much. However, I'm not like some of these guys. There has been many times when guys say something to or about another male in a complimentary way, but they give like 5 disclaimer concerning that sexuality before they say it (the compliment that is). I find it somewhat puzzling. That makes me question it...what are u so afraid of? So a straight male can become a gay male in an instant if he gives another male a compliment? That's what we are implying essentially. Give me your feedback?

Windows media player is currently playing: "I just want you around"~Lauryn Hill

Extras:

  • I'll post about my Atlanta trip in a day or so. I'm finally getting my real internet back. No more dial up...high speed (Wed)!!!
  • I don't need to get a job because I have a few things I need to focus on, but I have to get one. I'm determine to pay tithe and my bills ON TIME after or before those payout a brother will be....challenged in the finance department. What is a brother to do?! Get a job..I guess
  • "Wedny williams: Queen [latifiah] there are a lot of question concerning your sexuality, some gray areas, would you like to clear it up?"
  • Queen: "Nawl, let it stay gray" .....this was some funny stuff. I thought her response was Great! I love to see ppl carry on

This lady has been defending her sexuality her whole career. She is officially over it! "Let it stay gray" I thought that was the comedy for you butt. I for people to be upfront and fine with however you perceive their answer.

"water"~Lauryn Hill


As usual no proffing, so hopefully it's readable

Thursday, May 18, 2006

My life

You know I hate when my life is in someone's hands other than my own. I hate the waiting to see if I'm worthy of your approval. Okay, I'm going to pull off that.

Please give me your feedback on the question I ask at the end of this post.

The celebration is now over. It's back to my usual life. I'm home (Florida) and I realize these people are still the same or have gotten worst.
Case 1:
I look in the MOST WANTED paper only to find my female cousin is in their for domestic violence with a deadly weapon. I'm like OMG!!! She has always been one of the extreme cases in my family when it comes to violence. Most of the women and the men in my family fought in their earlier years(~25 and younger), but I think she takes the cake. She did teach me how to carry blades and stuff like that, but I thought at the age of 27, she would be over it. I was wrong. Not only did they place her in the paper, she was on the news. I was like oh my goodness, this is the horrible.
Case 2
A girl we grew up with also is all over the news. This fool is stealing like nobody business. She was a little order than myself, so I know of her, but my cousin hung with her all the time. She has always stole, so this no surprise. The level of stealing she is doing is the surprise.

Everyone else is doing what they have always been doing. My favorite cousin(Thug Misses) is still her crazy self. I don't know why she referrs to herself as Thug misses, because there is little thug appeal to her. She has never fought anyone, quite, and she's not involved in any type of criminal activities. The boys lover her. She appears to be rather carefree when it comes to them though. Thus, someone is always ready to kick her butt over their crush or boyfriend, which the boys always deny their involvment with the other lady. Most recent encounter, this pass Saturday. She surprises a guy at his party and another girl shows up. She doesn't care, he isn't her boyfriend, but the guy makes the biggest makes. He kisses her and the girl who thinks she is his girlfriend throws a fit. She tells me the story and I'm rolling on Sunday.

Nothing is going on with me; I'm just relaxing and reading. I picked up The Pact, Song of Solomon, Your Blues Ain't Like Mine, and Uncle Tom's Children. Money is like a vapor, you see and then you don't. I may have to pick of some part-time job to cover everything.

Question Time:
What would you say if you best friend told you they loved you? However, they don't want to be with you in a sexual way. They love you and would like to be with you, but not really. They just don't want anyone else to have you. Strange, right...give me your feedback

Monday, May 15, 2006

update

Darn it!! One of you bloggers have messed me up big time! Y'all can't give me all of that. My imagination has ran away from me. LAWD JESUS!

Mother day was nice, I celebrated with my mother on Friday. They were having this big dinner at our house on Sunday, so we celebrated early. The conversation went something like this on Friday.

Me:"okay, I don't have any money, so the best thing I can do for you is take you out to eat."

Mom:"It's the thought that counts. You could have gotten me a card."

Me:"Yeah, so y'all can talk about me later. Where do you want to go?"

We enjoyed ourselves this weekend. Everyone was enjoying themselves. My cousin turned 16 Sunday, so we celebrated that too. It was so interesting to see the different types of love. One guy is still in love with my aunt. They haven't been together for 16+ years, but he still wants here. He is willing to relocate and everything. She is like uummhhhmmm...they dated for like 7 years, but she is not giving him nothing now. I'm like dang. I think I'm going to blog about my aunts they are so much apart of who I am. When I saw my aunt I thought about Grey's Anatomy. They asked a question "scared or damaged" I thought that question was deep to ask someone. Most likely, we are both.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

quick update

I have had a blast! I have been enjoying family and friends all weekend long. I went to 3 graduation ceremonies; I'm so proud of my brothers. Cum Laude, Sigma Cum Laude, Outstanding student, Hall of Fame, etc. It was amazing! My home town will never be the same for me. My old friends are God knows where and the ones I acquired during college are leaving. Atlanta is where I will re-establish everything. I was quite the socialite this weekend. I was everywhere and my threads were hurting them all weekend long. "People wondering why I'm so fly"...lol.

There is always a fly in the oil! I have one issue that is hovering over me and I thought it would have been settled by now. Inspite of that, I have been having a grande time. I choose not to stress. What was meant to be will be! It's nothing I can do to make it better. I'm finally getting out of that mentality of "if I'm super good, I'm going to get divine favor". I still believe things work out better if you are in his will. However, God does what he wants to do and whatever he sees fit, that is what I will accept.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

repost...good one

This post is a repost! I'm moving back home today. Just for a minute and I'll be back. when I come back in Aug. I need to be ready to have a good time

Kissing Game

My best female friend and I kissed. Yep, I stole a kiss from her. I didn't find her attractive, but it was time for me to kiss someone, so I did. I slide it in by talking about something my older cousin did and said they did it like this. BAM! I kissed her. Do you know this girl waited until a lot of our friends were around to bring it back up. I got so mad, I snatched half of the zillions of beads she had in her head out. I got my behind beatLesson: Make sure the person you do anything with understand the terms of the interaction(s). Be prepared for whatever you do to come back up...think about that before you do it.

I betcha you want.....This is a funny lesson and proves you can learn from anything. I was around 9 and in my neighborhood I had developed a reputation of never being scared. Basically, I was a fool. However, I was convinced I had to keep it real. Anytime you wanted me do something, make it seem like I was afraid of doing it. I have step to five dudes daring them to fight, cuss out everything from adults to bus drivers, but this dare I really regret. For some reason people use to jump off the second floor of our buildings and one day someone dared my behind to jump off. I was like nawl man, I'm not going to do that junk. I may hurt myself. Then, they were like what you scared? Nawl, I aint scared, I'm just not going to do it. Nawl, nigga you scared. Who? I aint scared. Well, a few mins. later my behind is trying to jump off the 2nd floor with flip flops on. Next thing you know I'm dangling from a stair case and one of my flip flops have fallen off. I'm yelling like a fool and I can't pull myself up because of how the stair case is design. People are coming out of their house trying to figure out what's wrong. No one really could help me, so I had to jump down. My feet were hurting for the rest of the day, but them dudes could never say I was too scared.

Lesson: Sometimes keeping it real is not the best thing for your being. If someone dares u to do something and they won't do it themselves first DON'T DO IT!

Okay, you either have a friend or you are the friend that never fights, but talks a lot of mess, but never does anything. Well, my homeboy from my childhood was the one in the crew. He had to cry and get really upset to fight someone and he was the pretty (really high yellow, hazel eyes, etc), so you know he was the easy target. He actually had a decent hand game, but he was scary. Well, our 8th grade year this dude and his friends decided to try him. They bullied him all the way home. I'm standing at the gate and I see the tears and I go off. I know you didn't let these niggas try u like that blah, blah. I change close looking to beat some bleep (can't mess up your good stuff..lol). Every since that day, me, dude, and his whole crew had beef. My homeboy who got bullied became friends with dude. I ended up fighting one of the dudes ( I whipped his behind..he got one lick and that was because he stole me when people were pulling me off him) and we've been enemies since (aint that some mess). Haven't seen each other in awhile, but it's not worth anything now.Lesson: Don't take on people's personal problems. A lot of times you care more than they do. You up worried, they are sleep. HECK NAWL!

Boys Don't Cry (flashback)
Ummm...my mom was a stolid person. She brought me things to prove her love. Man, I had everything(clothes, every game, pool table, etc). She was tough-"I aint going to raise no punk". Those words sit in my memory to this day I was around 10. I was crying about something that she felt wasn't noteworthy. I remember running away from her thinking I'm not going to shed another tear (crying is for b****es). I learned crying was weak and boys/men are strong. Since then, I've learned how to turn my emotions on and off. Thus, I don't get attached easily and some ppl who want a lot of emotions out don't get them.

Lesson: Being all emotional is for women or the weak. This was a bad lesson and unfortunately every relationship I had and will have will face this challenge. I'm more liable to be attached and venerable with my friendships than relationships. I'm starting to balance out more and more.

When it all falls down I transferred from one middle school to another. My mom took me out of my previous middle school in the middle of the year (BIG MISTAKE). She was tried of my behavior and grades. I was really trying to thug it out then. I was telling teachers to shut up, getting subpar grades, fighting (just a few she never knew-shhh. She encouraged one fight-so hood, I know). She couldn't take it anymore! She was tired of beating me and I was tired of getting beat. She use to whup my behind my aunt occasionally had to stop her (she whipps ***). When I started going to my new middle school I went from being pretty popular at my initial school to a ladies man (that never happen before). The guys hated me. I was always popular everywhere I went. If you didn't like me, that meant I was bulling you or something ( I remember starting a mini-racial fight in elementary school. I had black kids whipping the fool out of these white kids), but I was generally a good guy and every loved me. In a matter of a week and a half I was the mosted hated. The previous week I was a cool with the "popular dudes". What happen? Jealousy. I was new, the girls liked me, and the dudes turned against me. Spreaded rumors like crazy. People who didn't know me were bumping me, giving me attitude. Normally, I wouldn't have taken this bleep, but I was new and I didn't know anyone (outside of my cousin(a girl) who got transferred too). They tried to jump me several times, but it never happen (they wanted to see if I was a punk). I showed little weakness. my response was always-do what you gotta do). I ate alone, they even tried to gleek (a form of spitting) on me, couldn't do PE (physical ed), b/c they kept stealing my clothes, it was bad. I tried to fight one of them when I saw them by themselves, but he was a punk. He was nothing by himself. It got to the point that I learned how to carry blades and I started carrying them just in case something jumped off. I was going to fugged one of them up good. The next school year the zoning changed for schools and a few of my friends came to that school. People who hated me the previous year, were trying to be buddy-buddy.
Lesson: People are like elevators they can take you up and they can take you down (if you let them). This taught me how to stand on my own. This is one of the most influential periods in my identity of self. My circles of friends became smaller and being popular was no longer a priority.

Speak to my heart
On new years eve 1999 a friend of mine was killed. Essentially, he died for a packet of black and milds, $40, and someone's ego. My cousin and I thought to ourselves it's time for us to get our lives together. We may not have as much time as we think before we see God. So we made a pact that we would do it together. I went to church the next Sunday she misses that service. The preacher does the altar call and I feel it all in my chest, but I wait (this man had me in tears almost). My cousin and I had a pact. The next Sunday same thing, this time I go up there by myself. I didn't feel anything, but I knew I had just made a serious decision.

Lesson: Things aren't what they look like. His demise was my redemption. In addition, just because you don't feel or see something initially that doesn't mean nothing has occurred.To be continued...............