Sunday, April 30, 2006

It's my anniversary

It's been a year! I can't believe it, I kept up with this blog for a year. This has outlasted any dating relationship I have ever had. That's really a sad comment. I usually get bored with things so quickly. I have gotten bored with this a few times, but it withstood the test of time.
It's just good to see others opinions of your life. I'm going to do some reposting through out this week. Most of you all haven't read any of these entries, this should be interesting getting you alls feedback.

Playing~"Hands of God"~Anointed Pace Sisters

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Can't get no satisfaction

India Arie~Purify

Me, I can't get no satisfaction! At one point, I was so pleased with not moving and just enjoying the simple things in life. That feeling was over a 1.5 week ago. I have always been face with this issue of not being able to be satisfied. Nothing can keep me entertained and interested for long. This has been a problem ever since I was a child. My mom use to buy me the video games and stuff as a source of entertainment. Hey, I was an only child..she had to do something. Well, after two months or so of those games I was be done with them. I'll get another video game and that will keep me entertained for two weeks or so. Essentially, those toys and games were more entertaining for my friends and cousins. I remember telling my mother after she brought me a game gear (sidenote: I was the only dude in my projects to have that. I was the man darn it!) I was like mom...don't buy me anymore video games I don't play with them much and they cost too much money.Not only was I like that with video games I was like that with dating.

This girl who was kinda like my second real girlfriend at the time...Idunno if I can call her that. Back to the story, she had been trying to get at me for awhile and I was trying to be on that mack daddy stuff playing around like I was the bleep. Finally, we starting dating...and guess what I get tired of her. It was kinda monotonous. Plus, I didn't like the feeling of being obligated to someone. I don't owe you anything, so after about 3 months I dropped her on our way from my 1st or 2nd period.

The funny thing is, I don't face this issue with my friends...I'm loyal to them. Unless they violate me on more than one occasion in a BIG way. I think one of the major problems with my dissatifcation is my outlook on life. I am an idealist. I want things to be ideal. I have big dreams and I actually expect them bear fruit and most of the time, they don't. The dreams aren't unrealistic, but they're a little to close to being perfect-why can't my stuff line up! AArrrgghh. I do what I can and I expect things to line up, because that's howit works, right? It's like you know that you encompass greatness, but for some freakin' reason it will not come to fruition...what is that all about! So a brother is frustrated right now. I'm just aggravated all the way around. No job, No relationship, spiritually feel okay-nothing special, I guess that's my fault (anything good is God, anything not so good it's you). However, I have not been spending much time with him, so I guess I shouldn't expect anything great.

Yes, sometimes I have beef with my beliefs, but it also brings me so much joy and sureness ( I can't explain it). I'm not referring to church, which is good too, but I talking about the personal relationship with God-spending time in his presence. It's such a complicated relationship though or maybe it's just my age and where I am. The bible talks about us dying daily and taking up our cross and following him. So our goal is to be an imitators of Christ. So anything that we desire that doesn't align itself with following him must die. I'm at the age now where I want to explore from time to time. However, I don't think I would feel comfortable exploring. My beliefs have been guide for the last 6 years, so most things that seem alright with ppl and alright with my personal truth may not be alright the God. Thus, my personal truth gets push to the side and what God wants takes center stage. I'm not basing any of this on what someone preached to me. I'm basing this on what I've read in his word (the bible) for myself. Jeez..I went on a rant for a second. The bottom line is I can't get no satisfaction.

I'm frustrated....I wanna bust a nut, but I can't. No, I can't masturbate...that would fall under the category of lusting. Unless you know of another way to get hard, stay hard, and not imagine someone or some act to get you excited. I want to party with my friends and act a fool with no second thought. I just want to explore period. Sorry, rant started again...I've hit on everything...excuse me a brother is getting a little emotional, but he's frustration. Actually, I've been a little emotional all week. I think it has something to do with my father passing almost a year ago (june 4th-1 year)...I can't even go there now. Maybe I just need to sit down and really do some studying of my bible and some prayer, because I'm tripping.

*What do you do when you're too big for where you are, but not ready or possibly afraid of what's to come?

*India Arie~Slow Down is good for me right now. Oh don't sleep on Kem-he is the truth.

"How can I give someone space and time when that's how I feel"~Nikki giovanni

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

playing-"solid as a rock" sizzla

I'm always living for tomorrow is starting to piss me off. It's a good thing to be prepared for the what ifs, but darn. If I keep doing that, I want experience anything in Atlanta. I have been increasing stand offish. I don't know what's going on with that. When I went out of town this weekend I was called out on it. I don't know what's going on with me.

playing -"because of you" Kelly Clarkson

I accepted the offer. They pushed us against the wall with the acceptance though. I really didn't appreciate that. I will let that be known. "It's that one person at your job that is this close to get their @** beat". I'm on that tip. These ppl are crazy as all get out. This chick ran up on me when I came down the elevator. I tried to calm her down, but she wanted to stick with the confrontation. I was telling my co-worker ealier that morning these ppl are crazy and from this moment on, I'm going to make examples out of people. She was number 1. She left humbled. I don't know why these people keep coming at me like that. I set myself up though. I usually let people know from the beginning to back up, but with this job I was trying to be the nice guy from Florida. That worked against me

Monday, April 24, 2006

Funny how the tables turn

Silence

I notice something special the other day. I saw my cousin adopted daughter fall. As any 1 year old would, she began to cry. My cousin turns around acknowledges that she fell by brushing her off and she went back to what she was doing. As soon as the baby was acknowledge she stop crying. She stop even before she was brushed off. Then, it hit me. Adults are so much like babies. Sometimes we just need to be acknowledge. Nothing special just being recognize for who we are and our current condition is enough. When we are not acknowledge we cry out. We become moody, attention seekers, lonely, etc. I realize more and more that I just need to be acknowledge. I have not cried out yet, but I see minor symptoms.

I went home and I felt so much love there. My family, my friends, my church everything was wondeful. I didn't get to spend much time with anyone in particular, but just being acknowledged, my presence being appreciate felt wonderful. There is no dobut that Atlanta is great, but I have no connection to the city at all. It's causing me to want to cry out. I never thought I would miss home. I was so ready to go. It's too small. I need something great, but I found out everything I wanted was and is right there.

Monday, April 17, 2006

life

"Surprise"
I went out a few nights ago and I won't forget this night. It was with someone I least expected. Wait, let me clean that up. I was expecting to meet up with him because I haven't seem him in awhile, but I wasn't expecting to enjoy him like I did. I think I make them a little insecure. He put words in my mouth. He finds my lack of experience and "liberation" funny. Everything about me is funny to him. I'm like this is me. I'm about tired of you laughing at me. Apparently, I come across stand offish. I give off that I don't trust you vibe. If you say so....uumm, maybe. It was good catching up.

Playing~"Love" Musiq

"Things aren't what they seem"
I have been beating myself up lately about my current. Techincally, I'm an intern. I will see if I'm full hire this week. We have our evals Tuesday. I still felt crummy about this whole situation. I'm like I deserve better. what that is? I don't know. We already discuss that. Anyway, I was comparing myself to one of my friends, which I always advise people to never do (I have a saying I go by and all. It's easier to give advice sometime). I'm thinking she is living it up with this job. I knew her location sucked, but "she has it going on". I couldn't have been more wrong. She has been battling depression and everything. Once again never compare! Everyone has their own cross to carry.

Edit:
I got an offer. I want to negotiate. I don't know how good my leverge is?

Monday, April 10, 2006

perplexed

playing "my wife and kids"

I hate that I have showed my face on here, I can't just talk about anything on here. I don't want to piss off someone I may know. I can't discuss anything concerning them even if it involves them. I can't even share my personal business, that's not theirs. With that being said, I'm going to talk about my surface/just below the service.

play~"They Reminisce over you"-C.L. smooth

I feel ashamed. I'm a grown man (22 y/0) and I don't know what I want to do career wise. This is ridiculous! I blame the school system and I'm being serious. I went to a research school (research 1 to be exact) and my major was business. Everyone knows any school with that ranking gives you little to no practical experience. I enrolled in a few shadow programs to help you figure out what you want to do. Everytime they couldn't find a business person for me. I ended up with a doctor one time. I'm thinking about enrolling into school again. Everyone knows how burntout I was concern school, so you know I'm in bad shape. I'm not a fan of the internship program I'm in. I'm like this can't be it; however, it just might be the thing that carries me over. All of my school activities involved program planning, so I thought maybe I should be an event planner or something like that, but I don't know how to get involved with something like that. I tried monster, which further confirmed I didn't know what I wanted to do.

playing~good times

Sex!!! Okay, everyone knows I'm waiting, right. Marriage is a sacred thing, but this is not working. You know you don't suppose to do anything. Kissing passes, but anything beyond that, you are setting yourself up to fail. FREAK THIS!!!!! This sex thing entails so much. Yeah, I can't even go there.

I haven't been to church in a month. I work on Sunday's now. I need to go somewhere. If it's just for the fellowship.

Playing "Everyday I'm hustlin'" Rick Ross

Sunday, April 09, 2006

It was all a dream

As children we have dreams and never does the thought enter our minds of any of those dreams being deferred or denyed. As we grow older we disillusion ourselves to think of the unobtain dreams as just that, a child dream. How are your childhood dreams coming along?

I have been working like a fool.... sigh. A lot is going on, but can't blog about it.

Playing~"I get out" Lauryn Hill

" Where's the passion in this living"

Sunday, April 02, 2006

playing~Grey's anatonmy

So much has went on in the pass week or so. I finally went out. A co-work and myself finally took on the night. We went to Apache' Cafe. I went on the wrong night. I'm not the biggest hip-hop fan, so what made it worst was it was a freestyle night. I wasn't impressed, but I will go again on a different night. I must admit this guy was off the chain there. He called the A out hard. I don't know where he is from.

I tried to test my old track skills out and I can't believe it. I busted my butt. I ate the track up. I have war wounds. Okay, I'm really tired. peace