Friday, December 30, 2005

You are my friend

playing "water" Lauryn Hill

First, WHY ARE DRAWS SO EXPENSIVE? I'm a guy! I don't have all of these designs or special additions, so why are my draws so high. I just need something to cover my behind and conceal any surprises that may arise during the day! Hanes are high. At least to me they are...jeez! I got me some boxer-briefs...hopefully this will help a brother out...lol.

"We're just ordinary people. We don't know which way to go"

One of my closet friends is really going through. I don't know what is going on, but I'm sure it's linked to his sexuality somehow. He is a Christian and we go to the same church. Our church can be a bit offensive from time to time. Sometimes you are like that was flat our ignorant...u didn't have to go there, but all in all...good church. He is running into a conflict. He believes that his desire (men) is going to send him to hell. We discuss this topic often. I probe "you believe you are born like this?" "You also believe you are going to go to hell for it?" I already know his answer, but I just want him to express himself. I don't know what advice to give him. I'm torn.

Playing:"Because of You" Kelly Clarkson (This song takes me through so many emotions) "My heart couldn't possibly break, b/c it wasn't whole in the first place."

He has been acting really strange lately. I went to visit him last week, because we had not talked in a minute (~ 4 days...he talks to me just about everyday). He was definitely in a minor funk and I was like what's going on w/ u? He never really answered the question. I told him I would back off. Later, he looked out the window, which let me know there was a possibility of some company stopping by. He was laughing saying "I would die [if this guy came while my truth was here]"...the person never came. We went to Ihop. We laughed and talked about anything we could think about. Before we went he was like "I said I was not going to tell anyone..God!" "Truth, you won't believe..." I stop him and told him, keep it to yourself. You will share on your own time. He left it alone. It seems like he is falling deeper in depression or not getting any better. He is torn big time. Living for God or having a man. He talks to me like every 5-7 days, which is not his style at all. He trips out on me if I don't talk to him in 2 days. We talked briefly today. This is his decision and he has to make it. I'm his support system either way. I can't catch anymore heat than I already catch. His mother declares something is going on w/ us. Why? I have no ideal. I think b/c he is so attached to me and I'm so available. I know he is going through. He was a Christian and attending this church way before I was. It is hell fire and brimstone. Holiness or hell type, which I can go for most of the time, but I am nobody's puppet. If I disagree with something and it doesn't sit well in my spirit. It's left on that pew. Tell me when I'm wrong. God isn't going to accept anything nor will he come down to my level. I must rise to his, but this is one area that I am perplexed about. This is not like lying, cheating, stealing, drinking..., which are things that you pick up. He said he can't remember when it wasn't there. Why would God give you something at birth that he consider abominable. I'm like Jesus Christ...this is crazy! When I see him...I'm going to give him the biggest hug and tell him to follow his heart. He is happy, sad, and scared b/c I'm leaving. "Who can I turn to?" I'm his only outlet that brings balance to him. Plus, he leans on me spiritual, so a lot of my personal battles/issues I keep to myself. I share when it is fitting. He refuses to let me do anything to crunk. He wants to preserve me..."Truth, you have to be the good one"

This my sound crazy, but I have you ever felt your heart break? Literally, you heard/saw/experience something and you seriously felt your heart broke in two. Only one person that I know has experienced this outside of me. It's like something in you breaks/pops. This happen to me like two or three weeks ago.

6 Comments:

At 9:18 AM, Blogger Accomplice said...

i am an underwear freak myself, and i love men's boxer briefs, it is worth it.
maybe i missed something, but why did your heart break a couple of weeks ago?

 
At 2:54 AM, Blogger Rose said...

what's going on? Have a Happy New Years.....

 
At 2:40 AM, Blogger ShawnQt said...

I love Lauryn!
I love Kelly!

I'm sorry about your friend and his issues with his sexuality and the church, its a process we all have to go through, I know I did.

Personally, I do not beleive GOD's extent was for us to live in misery and pain, here on earth, or in some spiritual realmn. We all just have to keep LOVE in our hearts, if it is for a man or a women.

 
At 2:40 AM, Blogger ShawnQt said...

by the way, thanks for coming to my blog!

 
At 11:37 AM, Anonymous grayse said...

All you can do is continue being there for your friend... this is probably the most difficult time in his life and hopefully he will come to terms with it sooner rather than later.
Heartbreak- literal sick-to-your-stomach, you feel like you cant function, chest hurts because it feels like something has been literally ripped apart inside of you... yes. Its the worst feeling in the world.

 
At 8:26 PM, Blogger Rose said...

For your friend, all I can say is to tell him to keep praying and don't stop until something happens..otherwise he needs to seek counsel-maybe a counselor or another minister. I wouldn't suggest his own since he may try to condemn him.....but he needs to let out his feelings before they eat him alive....you are a great friend..

 

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