Friday, December 30, 2005

You are my friend

playing "water" Lauryn Hill

First, WHY ARE DRAWS SO EXPENSIVE? I'm a guy! I don't have all of these designs or special additions, so why are my draws so high. I just need something to cover my behind and conceal any surprises that may arise during the day! Hanes are high. At least to me they are...jeez! I got me some boxer-briefs...hopefully this will help a brother out...lol.

"We're just ordinary people. We don't know which way to go"

One of my closet friends is really going through. I don't know what is going on, but I'm sure it's linked to his sexuality somehow. He is a Christian and we go to the same church. Our church can be a bit offensive from time to time. Sometimes you are like that was flat our ignorant...u didn't have to go there, but all in all...good church. He is running into a conflict. He believes that his desire (men) is going to send him to hell. We discuss this topic often. I probe "you believe you are born like this?" "You also believe you are going to go to hell for it?" I already know his answer, but I just want him to express himself. I don't know what advice to give him. I'm torn.

Playing:"Because of You" Kelly Clarkson (This song takes me through so many emotions) "My heart couldn't possibly break, b/c it wasn't whole in the first place."

He has been acting really strange lately. I went to visit him last week, because we had not talked in a minute (~ 4 days...he talks to me just about everyday). He was definitely in a minor funk and I was like what's going on w/ u? He never really answered the question. I told him I would back off. Later, he looked out the window, which let me know there was a possibility of some company stopping by. He was laughing saying "I would die [if this guy came while my truth was here]"...the person never came. We went to Ihop. We laughed and talked about anything we could think about. Before we went he was like "I said I was not going to tell anyone..God!" "Truth, you won't believe..." I stop him and told him, keep it to yourself. You will share on your own time. He left it alone. It seems like he is falling deeper in depression or not getting any better. He is torn big time. Living for God or having a man. He talks to me like every 5-7 days, which is not his style at all. He trips out on me if I don't talk to him in 2 days. We talked briefly today. This is his decision and he has to make it. I'm his support system either way. I can't catch anymore heat than I already catch. His mother declares something is going on w/ us. Why? I have no ideal. I think b/c he is so attached to me and I'm so available. I know he is going through. He was a Christian and attending this church way before I was. It is hell fire and brimstone. Holiness or hell type, which I can go for most of the time, but I am nobody's puppet. If I disagree with something and it doesn't sit well in my spirit. It's left on that pew. Tell me when I'm wrong. God isn't going to accept anything nor will he come down to my level. I must rise to his, but this is one area that I am perplexed about. This is not like lying, cheating, stealing, drinking..., which are things that you pick up. He said he can't remember when it wasn't there. Why would God give you something at birth that he consider abominable. I'm like Jesus Christ...this is crazy! When I see him...I'm going to give him the biggest hug and tell him to follow his heart. He is happy, sad, and scared b/c I'm leaving. "Who can I turn to?" I'm his only outlet that brings balance to him. Plus, he leans on me spiritual, so a lot of my personal battles/issues I keep to myself. I share when it is fitting. He refuses to let me do anything to crunk. He wants to preserve me..."Truth, you have to be the good one"

This my sound crazy, but I have you ever felt your heart break? Literally, you heard/saw/experience something and you seriously felt your heart broke in two. Only one person that I know has experienced this outside of me. It's like something in you breaks/pops. This happen to me like two or three weeks ago.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Checkin' in

Playing: "Man on the side" John Mayer

Christmas
I didn't do much, went to church. I was tired, but I was like I can't be tacky and miss church on the day we decided to celebrate his birth. Gifts: I got my mom a mp3 player. She really doesn't know what she is doing, but she is enjoying it. Gave her $50 and a letter that I wrote to here, which caused me to get really emotionally (I don't know what's been up with me lately). Ate and chilled with family that was my Christmas. Oh she brought me a suite, which was my only request. The letter was the most important thing to me. It expressed so much.
Playing: "You don't want Drama" 8 ball MJG

***Warning TMI and Sexual comment(s)*****
"My heart don't got nothing to do with my penis"
I'm in church and why does "my friend" decide to wake up and introduce himself to everyone sitting on the pew with me. A brother is trying to get his Jesus on and he decides to rise. " I can't believe this..[moves Bible]." I promise, I wasn't thinking anything sexual. This thing has a mind of it's own. It's been showing out lately literally. An associate is reading on with me and the pastor is closing (I'm like thank God! I got this big Bible..this would be embarrassing). "Everyone stand please stand" "Oh my God!" I will join everyone and mash it down against the pew in front of me. Nawl, that will not work, they will see the print. I bow my head like I'm praying (hopefully ppl thought I was really praying and didn't assume the truth). Well, I am praying. "God, please let this go way." It subsides and I join everyone standing. I don't know why this keeps happening. I think it's abstinence thing, because this is getting outrageous. It's like all the time for like a month now. God why did u give us all of this(desire, passion,etc.), if we are suppose to wait until marriage. Jeez!
***Okay, back to the good guy******
Love Jones is my favorite movie. It was a real portrayal of people in our age range. All of us aren't rich and fabulous (Best man and the rest of cliches). We are thinkers, unsure of what we want, finding our way, and multi-layered people. I keep watching it. My mom ordered some DVDs. I requested that and Color Purple. Color Purple is really a deep movie. It's so much to discuss regarding gender, sexuality, etc. That movie will make you ANGRY! I need to find a little job until February. A brother needs some income until I move to ATL. My first real job! I have to get some more dress shirts. If anyone has some survivor tidbits for Atl, please share. Got some books to keep the mind sharp and I'm chillin'

Playing "As time goes by" Billie Holiday

Hey, check out that Anthony Hamilton cd (aint nobody worryin') is fiyah! Everyones talking about Mary and Jamie...Anthony is where it's at. Mary my peeps, but the album is solid, nothing to rave about. I'm tell y'all Anthony Hamilton is not a joke. Oh I'm standing on what I said on my last post. I'm doing and feeling good!

Sunday, December 25, 2005

" Sometimes our greatest strength can be our weakness" - My truth

Playing: "One" Mary J. Blige & Bono

Sometimes it's not about understanding why things occur. It's about overcoming them, so that you can gather the wisdom that lies on the other side. With every trial, growth and wisdom accompanies it. It's up to us to embrace growth and wisdom or allow a trial to lead us to a place of bleakness. A place where we fight against overselves and the inevitable. By all accounts I'm fighter. I don't give up easy, but I recently learned that sometimes you have to let go. So many negative thoughts come along with walking away, quitting, letting go, but sometimes that is the wisest move you can make. Sometimes fighting to make something work is very unwise. I know it hard to accept a bad situation, but sometimes that how it is. When we don't, we fight ourselves into a place that was never intended for us, so I'm accepting what God allows. I have decided to embrace the growth and wisdom that accompanies every trial. I advise everyone to look at what they are trying to make work. What type of return is it bringing you? My mantra for 2006 is still "after the storm" and I'm coming in smiling.

Happy Holidays! Enjoy your family & friends

Playing "Take me as I am" Mary J. Blige

Friday, December 23, 2005

"I love you and this shit is urgent like a motherfucker" Tell me what movie that is from

Today, I received some information that hasn't been so disappointing, painful, poignant. However, I'm still standing with a leveled head and that's where I will remain. To deny the emotions that I feel would be insane, but I can't embrace them. I don't know how wise this is. One thing my fater death taught me is, you must grief and do it properly. I'm still learning how to do this. I won't let myself get emotional even though I should, it would be too much for me right now. It would bring about acute pain. I have no more words........the irony of life says it all. I'll be back real soon


Tracy Chapman

I know I may be wishing On a world That may never be But I’ll keep on wishing
No matter how hopeless Or foolish It may seem I’ll keep on wishing
I’ll toss my coins in the fountain Look for clovers in grassy lawns Search for shooting stars in the night Cross my fingers and dream on I know I may be dreaming Of a world
Far from present day reality But I’ll keep on dreaming
No matter how unrealistic Or naive It may seem always keep dreaming

And toss your coins in the fountain Look for clovers in grassy lawns Search for shooting stars in the night Cross your fingers and dream on We must always be thinking Of a world As a place of infinite possibilities

And always keep thinking No matter how hopeless Or foolishIt may seem Always keep thinking And toss our coins in the fountain Look for clovers in grassy lawns Search for shooting stars in the night Cross our fingers and dream on I’ll keep on wishing We must always keep dreaming Of a world

With equality and justice Thinking There could be a world Without poverty and sickness Wishing Of a world Without hunger and homelessness DreamingOf a world Where all people live in peace DreamingOf a world Dreaming On a world

Enjoy your holidays!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

What you want

"Seasons Change" Jagged Edge Ft. John Legend (via honey soul)

The new year is really going to sneak me. It hit me today that a new year is 9 days away. Can you believe it? I surely can't. With that hovering over my head, I decided to get a little bit more serious about how I want the coming year to be different than this present one. I stole away for a moment and wrote in a journal with the lights off and a candle lit. While writing about recent events I started thinking about how I want next year to be different from this one. Consequently, I realize I don't know what I want. One thing I do know is what I don't want, which is good, but I need to know what I want. If you are looking for something you need to know what it looks like more than what it doesn't look like. Do you agree? Now I'm faced with another challenge....figuring out what I want. This should be easy, right? It's not! We focus so much on the things we don't want or what we don't like and rarely focus on the things we want.

Once I get my thoughts together I'm going to write the vision and make it plain. I plan on typing out everything and putting them in a frame, so that I will see them everyday. Hopefully, this will help me to be very conscious of my goals and the things that will hinder them.

I'm going to make an effort to date in 2006. This too shall be interesting. I haven't dated anyone in like 5 years. I always said there was nobody out there, but the truth is I wasn't looking. Apparently, I gave that vibe off too. I scared two girls away without knowing it. I'm moving to a new city and state.......Atlanta, Ga here I come. I'll be there in mid-late February. I'm done with school and I going to start my first real job. This is going to be a new year for me fo'real. I'm excited and the anxiety has not kicked in yet. However, I do need to get some money for this transition. I need to find some whatever job until mid-February.

Y'all I feel like sanging...I just want to open up and just sing. I said I'm going to re-join the praise team in January. We will see if I actually do. Still advise me on some good reads (looking to read)

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Reading rocks my socks...lol

Bloggers, I am soliciting you alls help again. I want to keep my brain a little active and enjoy myself at the same time. Surfing the net is getting a little old, so I am looking for some new books. Please give me a list of books that were motivtional, inspiring, self help or flat out good reads. Please keep the list under 5 books a blogger.

I want to thank everyone that reads and gives me feedback. Some of y'all have even adopted a brother...don't I feel special! Can you believe I can't see my grades or transcript b/c I owe the school .11 cent. I need to know that my graduation was official. I know I was suppose to give some really good updates, but the information is old now and would take up to much space, so I opt not to do it. However, I will give a real post sometime this week, which may highlight some of the updates.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

After the storm

As everyone is celebrating and enjoying the food I'm nervous and in a daze (I graduated today). Thinking about the struggle I've been going through for the pass 2 years. How much things have changed and the questions that accompany those changes. I'm waiting to check my grades, thinking about the job offers my friends have and my job offer. When I move will that become my permanent location as I desire? Where am I going to work inbetween time? I need money to move. Would my father be here if he was alive? How am I going to get myself out of this BIG mess I've created?

*Warning I'm about to go into issues w/ my faith...don't know if u want to read*

Do I still want to stay with my faith (chosen religion) ? If I don't, what am I going to do b/c it's all I've known. In high school and beginning of college (first two years). I was one of those Christians that a lot of people dis-like and respected at the same time. Why? Because I gave them no room to question my faithfulness to my faith. I wasn't judgmental, but I was very strict with myself and didn't mind sharing the gospel with anyone, anytime. I remember taking the cord to my radio to school with me b/c I didn't want my cousins to listen to "secular" music on it. I didn't go to prom, broke up with my girlfriend and cut off friends. Anything that could be a hindrance to my relationship with God. It was removed! I have digress of the pass two years, but I didn't change too much. I haven't been in anyones club, drunk anyones liquor, been in anyones bed in a sexual way, but I'm not as faithful, careful, and mindful as I once was. Some of the "secular" things I picked up over the pass two years are being re-adjusted. One thing I have learned is it's not by works, but by grace.

I don't know what to think about my relationship with God. I just feel let down. I don't know if it's me who has changed or my expectations, because God doesn't change per his word (the Bible). Whatever it is, I have been experiencing some MAJOR dissonance in my relationship with him and I don't know what to do. I starting to have a slight problem digesting the fact that I am always the problem, if there is any failure or shortcoming. However, I can accept this fact. God doesn't make mistakes, but I'm not quite sure about me being the problem. When it's a blessing it's God. When God allows or takes you through something tough. God is testing you and he will bring you out alright. "All things work together for the good of them that love him". So when the END results don't work in your favor...what do we say? It's not the end...what?! Faith is an infallible, intangible, unmeasurable thing. Thus, it can always be justified. Either you believe or you don't. I have to make some crucial decisions about my life holistically. I have decided that the theme for 2006 will be "after the storm"......It's time for the sun to shine. After 2 years of being quasi (by no means am I sad), it's time for the storm to go away.

Track that describes my life right now is: "My Life" Mary J. Blige

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Gifts

Hey, I'm still going to post that detail blog full of updates, but I'm not in the mood right now. I'm feeling rather blah. There are very few times when music can't express my mood and this is one of them. I do need you all help. If you were graduating what would u all want for graduation? I don't know what to ask for. Everyone keeps asking me and I'm like I really don't know. Anyway, give me some reasonable (under $200, definitely not over $400) gifts you would want for graduation.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

school and the lack there of

It is finish! I took my last final today, thank God! I'll be back to give an update on everything. I have experienced another suicide, I have no words. I'm going to visit the chapter to see what was going on with this particular brother. Thank God! I'm in my right mind...call one of your friends you have not talked to in awhile. You just never know

Saturday, December 10, 2005

My Truth, My Journey pt. 1 (repost)

I have some new readers, so this is new to them. Plus, I couldn't leave y'all hangin'

I thought I would share my truth, my journey so far. These are the things that define who I am today.

Born 1983Kenndy Homes Projects*This place was so serious (think of one of the worst projects in your area, this place was one of them). I stayed there until I was 5 y/o (visited everyday until I was about 7). I can remember this place so vividly. Even though I was young, I got unto so much trouble and was so popular. My first fight was there. I gained my first nickname there. Too ashame to say it, but lets say it had to do with my skills as a dancer (I was SHARP) and a group that was electric something or other(that's for those mid-late 70s and VERY early 80s babies). I learned how to be tough there. My family stayed there for 16-18 years previously.
Lesson: It's a hard knock life

"Touch"
Around the age of 7 (give a year or 2) my thoughts on sex (unsure if I had any) completly changed. Enuff said
Lesson: You can't trust people! You have to protect yourself b/c no one can be responsible for you, but you.

"Move B****"
I stabbed my cousin in the chest with a pencil. I was around 8 when this happen. I had a temper out of this world. My cousin thought it would be funny to tease me with his stupid toys. Since he kept acting ugly I stabbed him. The pencil pentrate through his skin and lead to the ambulance rushing him off. I got a beating out of this world. I was so scared when this happen. I thought he was going to die. Everyone was frantic and talked about how I poisoned him.
Lesson: Your actions can cause serious repercussions for yourself and others.

"Sex is on my mind"
I don't know which came first the "Touch" or my over the top sexual acts (I strong believe it was before). I was out of control. I had this neighbor who was a little girl like a year younger than me and everytime I went over there it was something sexual going on. Showing privates (sound like a little kid, huh), touching (serious touching, humping with shirts off, but no intercourse. Just out of control....JESUS! I got a beating that was out of this world one time for dry humping another girl. After beatings and sermons at churchh I was like SEX is bad-I still have those thoughts subconsciously. Given the rules on sex in christiandom you don't explore much. Outside of educating ones self on risk and bodily functions (you don't explore too much with that...b/c you may become too curious)Lesson: Just say NO TO SEX

"Pop left me"
My father and my mother were never married and never stayed together. In the beginning, my father was very involved, then he turned into a mess. As a boy you think your dad is king and your a prince (I'm sure the men second that). Then reality hits you. It's a terrible thing for a kid to be filled with anticipation and have all their stuff pack to go spend the weekend with their dad and the bastard don't show up. You there with your crap holding onto that last bit of hope, then u just give up 2 hours later. I realize after this happening several times or being picked up only to be abandon at a family members house, that he was an ***.Lesson: You can't rely on people. Don't allow someone to control your emotions/mood.To be continued......

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

When the rubber meets the road

It's funny how determined we are at the end of the semester when our grades are in jeopardy. I will be back folks, but this is so serious. I've been on it for the most part. You all would be so proud of your boy. There is so much drama going on.

Topics:
Domestic Abuse

Homicide or suicide (we aren't sure yet)

School

Sexuality

Church

I can't wait to come back in full force.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

World AIDS DAY!!!

Today, I'm going to use this blog to say something meaningful. I'm not going to give your stats or tell you some shocking story about someone's risky behavior (I've already done both). I just want to say Go out and get tested (Take a friend or two with you)!

Know your status for yourself and others. Many people are apart of organizations (fraternities, community groups, ethnic groups, etc.) please make sure they are providing an outlet for this issue to be discussed.

We are having a forum tonight, which features a HIV + single mother. I think this is going to be so powerful. We are also giving away free food (all college students go for that) during the day to lure college students into making a pledge to get tested or to get tested (we have a place provided). Please get involved! You will be surprise at what people our age don't know about sex.

Truth