Friday, November 25, 2005

The masquerade

"If we could be transparent, so many people could be helped"-Metri & Ben
I don't want to be a superhero. Some how I have acquired this status. I think we create thing without knowing it. We present a certain face with friends and love ones and they expect us to live up to it. And if you aren't wise, you will try to. Don't hold me to anything you established for me. However, I think we foster this type of relationship without being conscious of it. We do things to make sure we are perceived a certain way and that perception becomes reality for those who know us. Thus, we try to live up to a fallacy, which cause you to be ashamed when you don't live up to whatever fallacy people have brought into. This is how people end up living a lie. Has anyone experience this? It's very difficult to be transparent these days, because we all have to keep up the facade of whatever imagine we have created. I'm sorry, sometimes I let myself down, so I know I'm going to let you down. I can't be perfect. All of these flaws make us beautifully human. We are contradiction (sometimes). We do backwards crap.

"Perfect" -Simple Plan (great song)

Confession is good for the soul! My friends and I have been laying down the bags we carry by just being real with each other. This is what's going on and this is how I feel about it. It's was so good to remove the mask and say this is what's up. Of course, you don't tell all your business, but it's good to just relate and put the truth out there. I'm a mess and things aren't all that.

"Open up my heart" Yolonda Adams
* I made minor changes to the blog tell me what u think.*

I am bored! There is nothing to do, I can't even watch class. Something is wrong with the site. Thanksgiving, Turkey day whatever you want to call it was uneventful. Booooo...the food was par and we usually burn. A brother vision is getting weak. I can feel the difference in my vision from time to time. I noticed it for the first time like 2 or 3 weeks ago. I woke up and it was dark. I felt one eye stretching trying to gain vision and the other narrowing. Plus, my friend noticed it yesterday. Your boy doesn't look cock or weak eyed at all. I'm at the computer too much. I talk to friends, watch lectures, surf all the time (at least 6 hours a day).

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Let it go

Many times people tell us to let go of things that are not good for us, do we listen. NOPE! We just hold things in. It can lead to so much pain, we must learn to let it go. No, I'm not referring to what you may think, I'm referring to gas. Yes! You must pass gas, fart, blow wind, etc. If you don't you will experience pain. Unbearable pain. Trust, I had this experience yesterday. I felt like I was being stabbed from the inside...it was terrible. Don't let gas build up people, you will pay sooner or later. LET IT GO!
*A real post is below, but I had to give you guys a PSA*

Life or death u decide

"Life in death is in the power of the tongue" Prov. 18 (can't remember verse)
*I want to encourage everyone to speak life over issues that are important to you, that appear to be dead. Speak Death over issues that you shouldn't even be entertaining.*

We must use the power we have to enhance ourselves. Don't just speak, plan, implement and follow up with the issues you are speaking to.

Before I suffer my mouth to utter a complaint or frustration, I'm going to let you all know the good things that's going on with me.
Good things:
1.) I'm alive and I have all the necessities of life.
2.) I got money in the back less than a thousand, but more than 500.
3.)My family members are alive and well.
4.)I have job offers
5.)I won brother of the year at conference
6.)I have friends
7.)Mary J. blige is coming out with an album on 12/06 and the first single is blazing.
8.) I'm doing very well in one of my classes.
9.)I have some luxuries (i.e. car, computer, etc.)
10.)I'm half way in my right mind.
*why was I struggling trying to find 10 things*

Took Finance test today....M E S S. I just knew, I knew the material...aahhhmm we will see. I think I did okay, but we will see. I have to go speak with my managerial economics teacher and let him know he must grant me favor. I'm willing to work to bring my grade up. I'm not looking for a handout I just need some assistance.

I'm seriously thinking about going to see our school psychologist. Lawd, I'm a nut case now...j/k. I had to go see them once when my father passed, so that I could withdraw from the semester and the psychologist suggested that I come back. I looked at him and told him I had the Lord. God would bring me through, I'll be fine. Never thought about visiting them again, until now. Since my dad passed, my grades and focus have been off. I've done great exploits regarding my extra-circular stuff, but academic I could not focus to save my life. I'm decent now, but all last year...just a mess. If I didn't have to interact with you, I didn't. I never really grieved his death. Three days after the funeral I threw myself into extra-circular stuff and the next week I was waist deep into a scholars program. Funny thing is, I couldn't sit in like the first 4 or 5 rows of the church, I couldn't take it. 'til this day I can't grieve, it's not in me (those of you who read my truth, my journey posts...know what's up). However, I desperately need to grieve, but I don't think I know how. What's good in y'all life? I can't sleep?

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Why

Why? Why? Why?

Why are we contradictions?

The more you learn about someone, the lamer (I don't think that's a word) they become?

Why is it harder to believe as you grow older?

Why are people slippin' on their bloggin'? Maybe they are actually livin'

Why is crap so easy to say, but super hard to implement?

Why when you don't want someone their available?

Why when you want them, their not available?

Why am I trying figure out a plan B, if my graduate doesn't work?

Why am I not going back, if I don't graduate...I'm working.

Why do real people have a hard time?

Why is my graduate date in jeopardy?

Why am I at a lost for words, thoughts, etc?

Why don't I want to believe in God?

Why is that the source of my joy, stability, etc?

WHY?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Get my stuff together

"If it isn't love" New Edition

I'm not on my stuff! Have you ever sat back and realize how much time you waste in a day? It's shameful! Something is seriously wrong. I've been in and out of this funk since my dad pass...I must get my swagger back. Have I consistently had my swagger? hhhmm.
"I apologize"-Anita Baker

My "official" grade for economics is not what my take home copy states. If the "official" grade is right, I'm screwed! Yesterday, I just had to back off of school. Doubt came in like crazy, but I refused to entertain it. However, I am still on a miniature emotional rollcoaster. I'm like 4 years, could be down the drain and I have invitation out...what the heck. I'm definitely not feeling very spiritual right now. Ironically, that's one of my main outlets for this predicament ( I have been singing y'al..It's time for me to get back on the praise team). This situation is almost comical, I'm so perplexed, I have to laugh. If I don't graduate this semester...I'm done! I have to walk way. I'll get a job in Corporate America that will pay me what I will make without the darn degree. That's the part that gets me. The job that has the potential to pay me the most, I could get without this darn degree. I have the skills and the hook up, aint that some bleep.

The conference was hecked...I'm so out of juice for my organization and I'm still getting e-mails, calls from businesses and brothers. What is this all about? Leave me alone people! However, my chapter did win chapter of the year (under my admin. I might add)! And I won brother of the year! Go me..It meant nothing, b/c I was so over it. Highlights: the chapters verbally fighting each other with subliminal message stating who was the best chapter. A workshop I wrote caused some brothers to strength and/or fix their relationship with each. A brother from Boston flying in. We haven't seen each other in so long, it's was great. We are really good friends, so to see him and kick that weekend was great. He enjoyed himself and I was pleased! Now I have to figure out how to pay for making sure my brother having a good time.
"Scared"-Uncle Luke (this reminds me off my crunk days..high school dances)player on shuffle

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

"That's a negative" Stennett

School & Conference
First, I must give an update. In my Managerial Economics class I received a B or C+ on the last test. Big improvement from a F on the first test, huh? In my Business Finance class, the teacher had to give a 21 points for a curve. Clearly, it's not us...It's his behind. If most (50% +)of the class failed, it's you, not us. The class should be called graduation, b/c it's so serious. School is straight, but I need to attend class more often. The conference that I've been mentioning is this weekend. Thank God! People are still out of control and the disrespect has become worse. I'm trying my best not to come to this conference confrontational, because I really want to chin check one person in particular. Violence is not the answer, but it can solve some problems.

Jobs
Okay, I'm doing a bad job at job searching. I'm so caught up in the here and now. However, I have done some work, but I have much more to do. The weekend after next I will be on this job thing! First, I must say I'm shocked at the job market for Business majors. Everything is either sales or retail. What is that about? We are seriously competing hard to get management positions at Wal-Mart, Walgreens, etc...What?! However, I currently have two options Macy's and Express Scripts ( pharmaceutical company). Lets evaluate:
Macy's is in Atlanta. Express Scripts is in no where, GA. Macy's win!
Express Scripts I will be working in a call center. Macy's I will be a store manager. Macy's win
Express Scripts pays more..Nuff Said!
Macy's want me to go through internship program first (low pay, 10 weeks), because I don't have retail experience. Express Script is ready for me to come right on. Express Scripts win
I'm thinking about looking into banking, because those are some options, but not my desired job. Heck none of them are! I'm leaning toward Macy's despite all of the negatives. It's in a big city and I need some place where I can tap into some resources. Live life...this small town stuff is not working for me.
Bet Show (first 50 mins)
*What the heck is going on with Arseno Hall? He looks like wtbleep. Howard still has it. Hammer what is going on?
New Edition still has it, they work hard! Lawd, they even had Bobby Brown, but he is screaming at us. SING...his voice...this is getting sad.