Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I"m so selfish

"Don't wait til midnight, when there is no Sunshine. You are a stranger until there is danger and that aint right"-Brent Jones ft. Coko (from SWV)

I've been wondering why my relationship with God has become stale to me (for ~2 years now). It went from being my passion and dwindled down to something I do because it's "right". The answer came to me this morning, I am full of myself. And maturing/growing in God is about being God oriented. I enjoy me so much, God has become the thing I focus on when I'm in trouble or need something. I deal with God so casually, but desire him to perform miracles. In spite of me, he graces me with things I definitely don't deserve. When he provides the things that I'm asking, I'm back on myself. My praise becomes less and less. My attention goes else where and the whole things plays through all over again. This merry-go-round must stop. I'm not going to make any faulty declarations in this post, but what I'm going to say is this. I need to be more sensitive towards the things of God and more willing to follow where he leads. I refuse to get all righteous and go into this thing head first. Denying myself this, doubling up on this or that spiritually, because once again I will make this all about me. There is nothing I can do that can make God love me more or less, but I MUST spend more time with him if I want to mature or grown. When was the last time you had a spiritual check up?

Monday, October 24, 2005

Drama

Okay, last week I was a the crunk side a little bit. I don't think I was crunk, I was just stating the facts. Most brothers thought I was just stating the facts, but I was completely uncensored. My question is, what can u do against the truth? NOTHING! I didn't take any shots at the person's character or personality; I just stated that they performance on their duties were offensive and disrespectful. Once Boss saw my e-mail he told me I was nasty, unprofessional, and short of rude. He agreed with my bottom line, but didn't agree with my delivery and told me he wouldn't have my back. He concluded by making some frivolous claims in the e-mail. He got a trite e-mail back letting him know I didn't ask nor did I need anyone to have my back. I discredited all of his frivolous claims with the facts. I concluded by tell him I would talk to him later. Boss is use to everyone backing down to him. He is known throughout Florida to be the brother that runs the show. That buck stopped last week! He and I are really good friends, so it goes beyond the organization, but he came at me wrong and I had to let him know he is not exempt for getting put back into place. He called and he tried to get something stirred up, but he quickly agree to disagree. "You're a smart guy, very perceptive" were my words to him. He had no leg to stand on. He actually was agreeing with me when he was trying to argue with me, which for the most part I said nothing. I was letting him dig himself into a hole, but before I could bury him he agreed to disagree. We went back to our usual conversation, which was fine with me, but I was so ready to SHUT HIM DOWN! But we are good now. I did apologize if his feelings got hurt during any correspondents, but in all honesty he did it to himself. My intentions are never malicious, so apologizing with sincerity if your feelings are/were hurt is nothing to me. However, he is the one who continued the correspondents and got at me first without facts. If he had the facts I would have gladly admited to any wrong doing, but since I was smart enough to keep my emotions out of it all of my points were valid.
After getting calls from Tampa to Tally Ho, running all over town, paying and collecting money for this organization, I'm still faced with a shady leader (whom I wrote the e-mail to) who continues to throw me under the bus. Of course, b/c he is our leader I have to defend him publicly, but in all honestly I want to kick his Godblessit from time to time. Now I have another brother whom has been talking to everyone about his beef with this council and I've calmed him down a bit, but now he is coming at me. I'm trying to decide whether I should eat him alive or not. I know to some degree this is our leader working his magic. Getting ppl off him and on me. I can accept that, nothing new. To be honest, I don't have anymore crunkness left. I had to be rejuvenated and at this point I'm so solution oriented I don't have time to fight with someone who is just not a happy person. Apparently, he has had beef before I got on the council (I'm doing some interim work), so I don't know what to tell him, but he is going to mess around and get the uncensored, straight up rude, non solution oriented brother. I have a 3 time rule (it's flexible, but in general this is how it goes). You try me once, it probably was a misunderstanding or a mistake. I'll let it ride. Second time I will let u know whatever you are doing is not going to work. Third time what's your problem, str8 try it again and I'm going to make u regret the day. This brother is rounding 3rd. How should I deal with this...brotherhood can be a freak'in pain. Should I call back? If I do what how should I respond? I'm very good at calming ppl down and helping them be rational, but from what I'm hearing this person has lost all rationale already, so that's not an option.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

lose control

Control: to reduce the incidence or severity of especially to innocuous levels (that's one definition)

I think that's all our desire to reduce the chances of us getting hurt, but when does it turn into fear? I think We all are fighting to gain more control. More control of our money, time, love ones, jobs, etc. We dare not show that we lack control. You are definitely lacking something if you are letting things flow, but what about matters of the heart. Do we need to have a firm grip on those things too? And really how much control do we have? The control we possess is an illusion. Katrina and everyday events let us know that; despite how much we plan $**t happens. I want to lose control, but I too suffer with control problems. I don't like the unknown (well, sometimes) and the what if this mess don't work. I usually save face and stick to something I can have a moderate amount of control of. But the unknown is what makes life fun. Tomorrow lets allow ourselves to do something that we want to do and let go of our restraints. Approach the person u have been eyeing for some time. Go somewhere you have been dying to go to. Let me know how it works out?

Aretha Franklin "A house is not a home" (she ate this song up)

I want to lose control

I want this to last forever like some religious type of love.
I want intimacy so deep it's a spiritual type of love.
I want that mmmhhmm good Campbell soup type of love.
The kind of love that makes me phone up my mom and say she is the one type of love.
When I'm inside you I cry type of love.
I want that vulnerable, uncontrolled, available, kinda love
My sun rise and sets on you kinda of love
I want that this shit is dangerous kinda love
I'm willing to look a fool for you, if you ask me to type of love
That sincere call to say I love you kinda love...untainted, genuine, not that mack shit kinda love.
I dare not lose control and share this type of love.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

I'll be back

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Monday, October 03, 2005

Playing unbreakable- Alica Keys

I was in church today and my pastor preached a sermon without a title, but it was great. The sermon came from Jeremiah Chp. 20 v. 7-11. Basically, it was Jeremiah at his wits ends with purpose. He was doing the will of God, but it caused him so much persecution, that he decided that he was never going to preach/prophesy again. He didn’t want to mentions God’s name! However, his purpose was so entrenched in him he could not help himself. He had to fulfill his destiny. Sometimes our talents, gifts, potential, etc. can be our greatest source of aggrevation. We become frustrate with the manifestation of our desires, talents, gift, etc being fulfilled. We need to re-direct that energy and let it frustrate us to the point that we take a chance. Leap out on faith and try to fulfill those dreams, desires, passions, etc. Lets stop looking at are circumstances thinking that we can’t accomplish what we desire because of our past mistake or unwise decisions that have placed us in this frustrating place. Let forget those things and let us press towards the things that we are truly passionate about. When the circumstances say no…we need not to take that at face value. Yes, your gpa may not be what it should be, but does that mean u eliminate the possibility of attending a school that you desire (within reason of course). And if u believe in a higher power let God prove himself. Sometimes God makes the way blurry for us, because he wants us to trust him. However, u can’t wavier in your trust, because if you do..you’re not believe. Thus, u can’t receive anything.

Now everyone knows the predicament I’m in when it comes to school. It’s either sink or swim. Well, let me give you an update. One class…I’m doing well (possibly an A), other class a B. This is great, but these two classes really don’t profit me much in the grand scheme of things. I can get a D in these classes and it wouldn’t hurt me at all. The two classes I need to graduate are the problem. I must get an A and a C or two Bs. Well, I took a test for one of them on Tuesday along with the other test. I bomb! It looks like I made a F on this test. Now I know I study for the other test more, which was stupid on my behalf and I cramped a little, but I was not expecting an F. I did well on all the suggested, practice and old exams problems I’m like H to the nawl. This can’t be right. It will be official on Monday. Hopefully, this is a mistake. The other class, I missed the first test because of my scalp issues…oh the head is doing fine by the way. So I won’t know how well I’m doing in that class until the final exam. I’m like God this is going to be something. Y’all make sure u say prayers for your boy. I ordered my invitation anyway (that was me acting on faith). I have faith that this class thing will come together. Second, I have to appeal to the school because I didn’t attend summer school for 9 hours (I need 3 more). I’m like what in the world!

Playing “Sorry for the stupid thing” –Babyface (this Grown and Sexy album is the truth)

My aunt just moved back to our hometown, because she was sick of 305. So I will see my baby girls more (little cousins).

I’m being extra-alert this week. Usually, when I’m doing well spiritually I have a tendency to mess it up! Especially, when I’m a little disgruntled by current state. Trying to find a quick fix or whatever I’ll seek out to do- I need not do it! We need to learn how to wait and trust in the unseen.

I’m going to call Silky, but I’m not going to take her out or anything. I’m going to keep it on that friendly tip. After all, she is living with an ex associate of mine. No beef we just don’t talk now.

I’m sexual frustrated! Okay, before you guys think I’m this sexed crazed person, let’s reconsider the facts. 22 and I haven’t had sex, so you can imagine! Plus, this isn’t usually a BIG issue. It’s something about these last two weeks. And for the new readers this is by choice. I’m trying to wait till marriage-lets see if I make. God help! And for those who are wondering…no, u can’t have those touch myself moments (was that too much?…lol). Well, some people (Christians) debate that fact, but I’m going to play it safe. If you do……hey, that’s u. What are you're thoughts on that? I've heared so many arguments, but I'm like your stimuli will cause u to lust. Thus, you've sinned...Idunno, give me your feedback.

People are so selfish do u know one of my friends got really piss because I didn’t want to divulge my business. I’m like you can’t help me, why am I going to tell you everything. If you can’t give me an answer…then, I realize this person was trying to get close to me, but I didn’t care. Respect my space-darn!