Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Matters at hand

An Illusion
Today was the career fair and I realize I don't know what I want to do. The pay range seems to be around early-mid thirty thousand. That's not going to work! I looked around and talked to a few companies. I realize I have no ideal what I really want to do for a profession. All of this time I've been saying that I'm going to work after graduate..blah, blah, blah. I don't know what I want to do. Sales, it will do, but I it's not ideal. Management seems a little bit more reasonable, but not for Buckle, Walgreen, etc. No! That is not it! So here I am Senior graduate in December and I don't know what I want to do. I'm freaked out, very uncertain. It's press time folks and I don't know what I want to do. This isn't a good feeling. I left Career fair early-I was just done. This is not the dream that was sold to me. You go to school, learn what you are interested in, u get the job you desire b/c u worked hard and excelled in academics and leadership. That was definitely an illusion. I'm an idealist....darn me!

Playing Mariah ft. Jay-z & Young Jeez "Shake it off" (remix)

Okay, this girl lets call her silky. She has a boyfriend, but before they were dating she was trying to get at me. She is cute and is definitely going places. Warning: This is about to sound ignorant and slightly racist. She does not look very black. There is something about black women that I just love. She's mixed I'm assuming. Possibly arabian and lation..I'm not sure. Plus, she doesn't have that extra spark, but she was looking awesome today! Now she has been trying to get in contact with me for sometime(~3 months), but I never called back. When we ran into each other today she made sure I had her number and I assured her I was going to call her. Funny thing, the dude who was trying to get at her while she was trying to talk to me was an associate of mine. Now they stay together..yes, u read right. Why is she still pressed for me to call her. It's weird. Idunno. Reason why I'm weary of this whole "lets kick it thing". Most of my beef/fall out with guys have something to do with a girl. Dudes always thought I was trying to take their girlfriend and they are ready to fight me. Know your boy never backs down, he makes negros back down. Heck to my surprise some dudes were mad at me b/c they thought their dude liked me. How they got that idea I don't know.

I'm pissed with my chapter. They have fallen off...I'm laying back b/c I don't want to step on the toes of my brother and friend, but I'm sick of the lack-luster performance. I'm his biggest supporter, but we want from being one of premier to subpar in the matter of a summer and 6 weeks of school - I'm not please. However, I'm letting him have his presidency, but if things don't change quickly. I will intervene.

Extra, Extra...read all about it
My hair is so much better thank goodness. I can get rid of durag. I'm hurt'em with this edge. Yeah, I can be cocky...this my space get over it.

I'll tell you all about test when the grades come in.

I had this crazy praise & worship thing going on this morning...I just had a good time praising the lord.

Give me some feedback on that
Silky, Career fair, everything...

Lil' Kim being compared to Lauryn this has got to be a freakin' joke

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Random

I feel like being a h*e. This is bad, I know...what's wrong with me? It's in my DNA, it's not my fault. A lot of the men in my family are h*oes. Of course, my being who I am, I will not indulge in any sort of debauchery. I just feel...idunno. I Couldn't be whorish anyway...my body is too precious to me. Your body is a temple folks.

I have so much junk to do (3 test; 1 Monday, 2 Tuesday) and I don't feel like doing anything. I got a lot done yesterday, but there is so much more to do.

Why don't I feel the need to be needed like my other friends? Darn, me for being this independent/self reliant person.

Why can't I be that vulnerable person? Arrghh

What is the theme song for cold case?

I have to graduate, but I'm just not feeling school. Haven't since last year, so why am I continuing...b/c I'm the golden child. I'm the promise

Why am I not motivated to seek out post-graduate jobs....LAWD! So much to do so little time.

Something has taken my zeal. I think it has something to do my personality. I feel the need to be tough. No time for mourning, pitty, any of that emotional stuff. When stuff really hits me and I want to run away, I stand right there and take everything in stride. I dare not show fear or any of that emotional stuff. I think that tough crap has worn me down. I need a darn retreat. Even though that is not what I need...I need something to revive my spirits. Somebody/thing that brings a new prospective, feeling...just something new.

Okay, I got to study fo'real. I got to graduate!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Bring me down...not possible!

I always knew that one day They'd try to bring me down, one day, they tried to bring me down Always knew that one day, they'd try to bring me down, way down

You see, if you evern wanted to ever be anything There'd always be somebody that shoot down any dream There'll always be haters, that's the way it is Hater niggaz marry hater bitches and have hater kids But they gon' have to take my life 'fore they take my drive

Why you come here, I bet it only it was forget to get ya What kind of dream we found, see I'm often at your cross way forgetting it was that heaven let ya. They tried to bring me down
*not sure if that makes any sense, but that's what this page says. copied and pasted

Anyway, had to get that off my chest, enjoy my previous post....They can't bring me down. Man, I feel this song right now. I just heard it like 30 mins. ago and I had to share...it's fits me right now! This was just a vent..continue with my real life...enjoy previous post! When I get well I'm going to be in some people's @$$es b/c they are showing out

Monday, September 19, 2005

Beauty is deceptive

Playing "Heaven"- Mary, Mary

"Beauty is Vain"

This statement has never been more true for me than now. Being beautiful/handsome is so deceptive, it's like a vapor. You can be beautiful/handsome at one moment and one event could change everything.

Playing "Great is the Lord"-Dorinda Clark-Cole

Well, let me tell you about my experience. First, sick people make me SICK (figuratively). I hugged this girl who tells me latter that she is sick. Well, later on that night I'm traveling out of town with brothers to go to a reception I mention in my previous post. I'm looking good (I must say so myself), but I keep saying my lip feels like it's cut or something. Next day I got a darn fever blister. I'm pissed!

The story doesn't end there. I'm glutton for punishment, right? I have been talking about getting a bald head for some time. I finally did it the week before last (it was cut the day before reception). One of my brothers cut my hair in his bathroom (I may post a pic). Some people loved it and some ppl didn't care for it, but nobody thought it looked bad. Well, my hair starts growing back and I had patches. I'm like u have got to be kidding me, but people made it seem like it was normal, so I let it slide. However, I buy Sulfur 8 (medicated hair grease) thinking that would help balance everything. Two days later my head is on fire. Imagine Denzel in Malcom X. My head is all in the tub, trying to cool it off. I can't take it anymore Sunday I go to doctor they don't know exactly what is going on. They give me a prescription for extremely dry skin. They couldn't find any bacteria or anything, so that was their best guess. I could have avoid this possible if I would have done my research on this before I jumped down in someone's seat.

Now I'm walking around with the ugly lip and patched head. Good thing is my hair is so low u can't really tell, but I don't go out unless I have too.

forget cute, get competent.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Outside

"Irreversibly Falling in between And it's hard To be understood As you are, and God knows That you're standing on your own"
-Mariah Carey "outside"

Being an outsider, that's the issue of the post. Plus, I'll give some updates. I had never heard this song by Mariah Carey (not really a fan), but someone was talking about how deep the song is. Of course, they played it, because they are in love with her. But the song is talking about being neither here or there. You are in between and it seems like you just don't fit. And accepting that fact and being cool with it.

I've been "the outsider" all my life. Even though for most of my life I was popular, I always felt like someone who was looking in. Despite the fact that I was in the middle of a lot the action. I'm cool with being an outsider, but I have days when I ask why can't I be like everyone else. Why do I have different standards, why can't I be one dimensional. I don't know why I have all these facets, it aggravates me from time to time. My friends think I'm mysterious for some reason. I tell them everything (just about) and sometimes I tell them too much, but they still feel like I this complex person. I'm not! The more honest I am, the more people misunderstand me. Everyone appreciates my blunt, yet, tactful approach. I think we have become so accustom to reading into what people are saying we read to deep. I have somethings I believe in and at times things conflict. In most cases, my belief system over rules my personal opinion; especially when it to my walk with God. I'm usually never extreme one way or another,which often times leave me on the outside. For example, I am a man, but I'm not this sports or video game fanatic. If it's on I have some leisure time I may watch or play, but for some guys that's all they talk about, so what do we have to discuss. On the other hand, I don't want to discuss your outfit either.

Every now and then I just get away from everyone and really don't talk to anyone, because I'm in a zone. During those times I just gathering myself, evaluating where I am, who I am, who is surrounding me, what they are bringing and taking. And I always come to the conclusion that most (90%) of these people do not fit me well. Most of them are extremist to me in one area or another. I can't find someone in the middle with me. I'm not saying that these people don't have different facets or that their opinions and actions are lacking diversity, they just are different from me in some way that is a major part of MY TRUTH. They are too much of this or not enough of that and you feel out of place. Now these people love me and I love them, but sometimes I really do not want to deal with them. However, a good percentage of these people have my best interest in mind, so I keep them around. I think many of them are extra because they are trying to relate to me. I hate that, be yourself. And I'm finding a lot of people aren't comfortable with just being them or they are not sure who they are. They would be offend if you shared that with them, because they are always claiming to be real or really in touch with who they are, but they have convinced no one, but themselves of that fact. And the ones who know who they are have tendency to be too much, I do not know, maybe I'm the problem.

But this is my bottom line (I've been rambling for too long). It's tough be the one who is neither here or there. You never fit well! I say well because I think no one will fit perfectly with anyone you have to work at it. And if you think it's perfect, give it time. Well, I asked this question to the person who is in love with the song, "Do you think it's best to keep things to yourself ?" There response was yes, somethings you keep to yourself, because people may not be able to handle all of you. Are you the outsider, how do you cope, etc. Any feedback is good.

Extras:
I'm actually keeping up in school, but I still miss a class or two. You would have thought I would have this class thing down by now.

I hate the job I got in the summer, but I can't find another one that I like, so I'm stuck for now. I can't get my old job back....BOO!

Our Black Student Union (BSU) put on a forum that has caused a riot. Essentially, the greeks trashed the community service organization (especially the greek letters ones), which has caused all type of division. I'm like oh father...this is BS I don't know what happen to the U. We will only progress if we stick together people.

I went to Savannah Friday night to celebrate with a brother. The fraternity continues to get up and praise, praise...themselves...lol. Nawl, they praise him too.

Someone cut our screen and stole my cousin's bike aint that some crap. Whomever did that, better hope we don't see them on it or that's their bleeps. He's not trippin' though, he is 16 going on 17 he is thinking about a car..lol.

Blind and unguided Into a world divided You're thrown Where you're never quite the same Although you try-try and try To tell yourself You really are But in your heart-uncertainty forever lies And you'll always be Somewhere on the outside -"Outside"

*Excuse the grammar...what the heck y'all know what's up by now. I don't edit-nuff said. peace

Monday, September 05, 2005

Can't sleep

I can't sleep
I am inhaling the possibilities of us.
I am wrapped in the touches I never felt
I am entrapped by the what ifs
I am eating all the words that went unspoken
My mind is saturated with the thoughts of loving you.
I can't sleep