Sunday, August 28, 2005

my truth, my journey (pt2)

Kissing Game
My best female friend and I kissed. Yep, I stole a kiss from her. I didn't find her attractive, but it was time for me to kiss someone, so I did. I slide it in by talking about something my older cousin did and said they did it like this. BAM! I kissed her. Do you know this girl waited until a lot of our friends were around to bring it back up. I got so mad, I snatched half of the zillions of beads she had in her head out. I got my behind beat
Lesson: Make sure the person you do anything with understand the terms of the interaction(s). Be prepared for whatever you do to come back up...think about that before you do it.

I betcha you want.....
This is a funny lesson and proves you can learn from anything. I was around 9 and in my neighborhood I had developed a reputation of never being scared. Basically, I was a fool. However, I was convinced I had to keep it real. Anytime you wanted me do something, make it seem like I was afraid of doing it. I have step to five dudes daring them to fight, cuss out everything from adults to bus drivers, but this dare I really regret. For some reason people use to jump off the second floor of our buildings and one day someone dared my behind to jump off. I was like nawl man, I'm not going to do that junk. I may hurt myself. Then, they were like what you scared? Nawl, I aint scared, I'm just not going to do it. Nawl, nigga you scared. Who? I aint scared. Well, a few mins. later my behind is trying to jump off the 2nd floor with flip flops on. Next thing you know I'm dangling from a stair case and one of my flip flops have fallen off. I'm yelling like a fool and I can't pull myself up because of how the stair case is design. People are coming out of their house trying to figure out what's wrong. No one really could help me, so I had to jump down. My feet were hurting for the rest of the day, but them dudes could never say I was too scared.
Lesson: Sometimes keeping it real is not the best thing for your being. If someone dares u to do something and they won't do it themselves first DON'T DO IT!

By myself
Okay, you either have a friend or you are the friend that never fights, but talks a lot of mess, but never does anything. Well, my homeboy from my childhood was the one in the crew. He had to cry and get really upset to fight someone and he was the pretty (really high yellow, hazel eyes, etc), so you know he was the easy target. He actually had a decent hand game, but he was scary. Well, our 8th grade year this dude and his friends decided to try him. They bullied him all the way home. I'm standing at the gate and I see the tears and I go off. I know you didn't let these niggas try u like that blah, blah. I change close looking to beat some bleep (can't mess up your good stuff..lol). Every since that day, me, dude, and his whole crew had beef. My homeboy who got bullied became friends with dude. I ended up fighting one of the dudes ( I whipped his behind..he got one lick and that was because he stole me when people were pulling me off him) and we've been enemies since (aint that some mess). Haven't seen each other in awhile, but it's not worth anything now.
Lesson: Don't take on people's personal problems. A lot of times you care more than they do. You up worried, they are sleep. HECK NAWL!

Boys Don't Cry (flashback)
Ummm...my mom was a stolid person. She brought me things to prove her love. Man, I had everything(clothes, every game, pool table, etc). She was tough-"I aint going to raise no punk". Those words sit in my memory to this day I was around 10. I was crying about something that she felt wasn't noteworthy. I remember running away from her thinking I'm not going to shed another tear (crying is for b****es). I learned crying was weak and boys/men are strong. Since then, I've learned how to turn my emotions on and off. Thus, I don't get attached easily and some ppl who want a lot of emotions out don't get them.
Lesson: Being all emotional is for women or the weak. This was a bad lesson and unfortunately every relationship I had and will have will face this challenge. I'm more liable to be attached and venerable with my friendships than relationships. I'm starting to balance out more and more.

When it all falls down
I transferred from one middle school to another. My mom took me out of my previous middle school in the middle of the year (BIG MISTAKE). She was tried of my behavior and grades. I was really trying to thug it out then. I was telling teachers to shut up, getting subpar grades, fighting (just a few she never knew-shhh. She encouraged one fight-so hood, I know). She couldn't take it anymore! She was tired of beating me and I was tired of getting beat. She use to whup my behind my aunt occasionally had to stop her (she whipps ***). When I started going to my new middle school I went from being pretty popular at my initial school to a ladies man (that never happen before). The guys hated me. I was always popular everywhere I went. If you didn't like me, that meant I was bulling you or something ( I remember starting a mini-racial fight in elementary school. I had black kids whipping the fool out of these white kids), but I was generally a good guy and every loved me. In a matter of a week and a half I was the mosted hated. The previous week I was a cool with the "popular dudes". What happen? Jealousy. I was new, the girls liked me, and the dudes turned against me. Spreaded rumors like crazy. People who didn't know me were bumping me, giving me attitude. Normally, I wouldn't have taken this bleep, but I was new and I didn't know anyone (outside of my cousin(a girl) who got transferred too). They tried to jump me several times, but it never happen (they wanted to see if I was a punk). I showed little weakness. my response was always-do what you gotta do). I ate alone, they even tried to gleek (a form of spitting) on me, couldn't do PE (physical ed), b/c they kept stealing my clothes, it was bad. I tried to fight one of them when I saw them by themselves, but he was a punk. He was nothing by himself. It got to the point that I learned how to carry blades and I started carrying them just in case something jumped off. I was going to fugged one of them up good. The next school year the zoning changed for schools and a few of my friends came to that school. People who hated me the previous year, were trying to be buddy-buddy.
Lesson: People are like elevators they can take you up and they can take you down (if you let them). This taught me how to stand on my own. This is one of the most influential periods in my identity of self. My circles of friends became smaller and being popular was no longer a priority.

Speak to my heart
On new years eve 1999 a friend of mine was killed. Essentially, he died for a packet of black and milds, $40, and someone's ego. My cousin and I thought to ourselves it's time for us to get our lives together. We may not have as much time as we think before we see God. So we made a pact that we would do it together. I went to church the next Sunday she misses that service. The preacher does the altar call and I feel it all in my chest, but I wait (this man had me in tears almost). My cousin and I had a pact. The next Sunday same thing, this time I go up there by myself. I didn't feel anything, but I knew I had just made a serious decision.
Lesson: Things aren't what they look like. His demise was my redemption. In addition, just because you don't feel or see something initially that doesn't mean nothing has occurred.

To be continued...............

Friday, August 26, 2005

Back to the books

"You can freeball bleep, you don't even have to wear draws"
-Trick Daddy (don't be offend read on...it will makes sense later)

I'll be back with part 2 on Monday or so (thanks for all of the love). Schools is back in....booo. I'm taking 14 credit hours and I must do well B or better 2 out of 4 classes (I've done this before). For those of you who have been reading y'all know what's up. Say a prayer for a brother...I must graduate. I was at work today and I observed something that I want you all to be mindful of. Sidenote: All of my books are like $100+ what is this all about? I need a miracle!

Freeballing
I was at work today and I experience the worst scenario for a freeballer. For those of you who enjoying flowing freely be mindful of your attire for your sake and others. This girl at my job was freeballing and this chick decides to wear some nylon cargo type shorts that were a tad-bit too big. So throughout our shift the crack of her bleep is showing. I want to pull her aside and tell her what was going and how wrong she was for making all of us suffer, but I don't know here like that. Plus, subconsciously, I think I may have found it funny; yet, nasty as out get out. You would think people's mother would teach them better.

FAMU
I went there Wednesday. Yes, I skipped class already...I'm suppose to be turning over a new leaf. I went there to handle some business for my organization (did not this aid in my failures last school year). I drove all the way up there in the yota. I don't know if you all know it or not, but the yota is lacking a/c. I was sweating like whitney....it was terrible. The only pleasure I had was my gospel cd (j.moss is what's up for gospel music). Once I got finish handling some business, I chilled with a graduate brother from FSU, then I went to FAMU's campus to sit in on one their e-board meeting. I was trying to find someone who was going to the free Trey Songz concert. Well, none of them were going. What?! A FREE concert and none of them were going. What was that all about? Homie can sing though, he is not studio. He sung live on the radio.

Extra
Obviously, BET is confused. They forgot to list me as one of the 25 hottest males. Somebody must lose their job behind such carelessness. I didn't see the show, but I asked my mom did she see me. Her response "no you didn't make it this year". Clearly, there has been a mistake. If anyone else is offend that they didn't make the list..let it be know!

Part 2 to my journey, my truth will be up by Monday (fo'real)

Monday, August 22, 2005

Music Monday

Songs that ride out, but everyone thinks they are whack. No, you're whack b/c you listen to them. Most of these songs will be throw back songs. Don't forget about the Extra at the bottom

"Stay" by Lisa Loeb

You say I only hear what I want to. You say I talk so all the time so.

And I thought what I felt was simple, And I thought that I don't belong, And now that I am leaving, Now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I missed you. Yeah, I missed you.

And you say I only hear what I want to: I don't listen hard, I don't pay attention to the distance that you're running Or to anyone, anywhere, I don't understand if you really care, I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no.

So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up, And this woman was singing my song: The lover's in love, and the other's run away, The lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay.

Some of us hover when we weep for the other who was Dying since the day they were born. Well, this is not that: I think that I'm throwing but I'm thrown. And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure. You try to tell me that I'm clever, But that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.

You said that I was naive, And I thought that I was strong. I thought, "hey I can leave, I can leave." But now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you.

You said, "I caught you 'cause I want you and one day I'll let you go." You try to give away a keeper, or keep me 'cause you know You're just scared to lose. And you say, "Stay."

You say I only hear what I want to.

Extra!! Extra!!
  • Have you ever in your long legged life had a friend who mad you question you alls friendships? I have this friend, we roll deep, but I think dude thinks he has to compete with me. First of all, that's impossible (what are u thinking?). Second, we aren't competing. Why should I compete when I'm my own standard ( God sets the standard for me-can u get any higher?). Third, we are friends fool! He tries to kick me when it "appears" that I'm down and he's up. Says little slick things and I'm thinking what's wrong with this dude.
  • Proofing, I know, I know, I know-I just can't do it. It's too much work. I know it would make my entries flow so much better, but I can't do it (I'm lazy and I'm a business major we don't write much). I'll try to catch things during my first draft. How does that sound?
  • The "My Truth, My Journey" entries are still coming. Fo'real!
  • I'm in revival-I feel SO GOOD SPIRITUALLY!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Nolia Clap

*Since I was gone for awhile, I've posted two post ( Y'all know I love y'all more than Whiteny loves that wig she keeps wearing). Y'all promise to read both, right? And all the bloggers say OF COURSE, TRUTH...YOUR OUR BOY! I didn't hear anything, but I'm going to be checking for comments on both entries)...don't cause to blogsmack your butts! edit [I haven't seen any comments for the second entry...don't I need to prepare my virtual hand?]

The debauchery and the crunkness of the city was beyond belief (these ppl almost had sex on the balacony of this place, they may have I turned away after he start taking off her bra and the drinks never stop flowing there). I was like Jesus Christ! However, I secretly like that type of caring on-the crunkness, uncertain of the deauchery part (shhh...don't tell nobody). I had to remind myself several times.....I'm living for God. That place makes u want to get loose. No, let me tell the truth (that is part of my name, right?)...u want to get loose and that place brings that out. And of course, I let my better judgment keep me from participating in the festivities. Bruhs would have been shocked by my antics. If I would have just let the whole truth and nothing but the truth be release. I'm the good guy most of them are mindful of me when they speak, act out, etc.

However, some of it was a bit much. Stripper clubs were everywhere. They actually had the doors open to these places with the strippers sitting out there with their strippers uniform. I was like wt heck. And don't let one of them get bold enough to step out in the street and let u know what's up. The showing of the breast was a given. It's N O, expect nothing less. sidenote: The malls suck for a big city. The police there are a joke! No wonder they have the highest murder rate-their efforts are despicable.

Whisky Blue (it's in the W hotel) is a nice place to chill out with a group of friends to converse and drink . We went there every night and of course, yours truly had a coke or some water ( I was a little ashame to order that at first). Bring your own friends, b/c most ppl are with a group. Ppl in the N O are easy to talk to. I really played on that "I'm not from here thing". My bruhs were unusually cautious about talk to women, so I initiate everything. I felt really confident, so I was just approaching folks (plus, I had my grown man thing going). There is a restaurant called "Mulates" or something like that...GREAT FOOD. A little pricey bring at least $25 (includes tax and tips). One bruh tried to be cheap....appetizer, desert and a drink $17+...I clown his cheap butt and he still was hunger..lol. That junk was funny. Obviously, he didn't exam the menu carefully. We laughed from packing to unpacking. It was the funniest trip ever-one of the best traveling trips with the brothers. The shriners (I'm not a shriner) were everywhere-they were having a conference of some sort. We never got into the house of blues. The night we knew we were getting in it was a Bobby Valentino after party that was $15. First, I don't club. Second, $15 what for who? third, too many girls will be focus on him. Because of the competition a lot places are free. When someone said pay for something, we looked at them like they were speaking French or something. Us negros pay? Clearly, you are mistaken.

Oh I can't forget there was this lady who sung her butt off at this jazz bar/club. Last name Griffin. I want to say here first name is michelle or mary. She sings back up for Ms. Patti Labelle, so that lets you know her vocal skills are up to par. Think Tina Truner with a nice range and a voice not quite that rasp or harsh. This chick can blow! We missed most of the show we caught the last 10-15 mins. We came in on purple rain-this chick killed it (that is not an easy task). Her back ground was no joke either.

Everyone there is a hustler....do u know some folks make money by standing still and putting a half cocked uniform on. I'm like goddog...I've seen it all. Overall, it's a cool place to visit-no where to stay. Dirrrtttyyyy!!!!! It's just too much, everything is just too much. This trip was need. Yes, I'm broke...I have like $40-50 in the bank total. Good thing I stay at home now-huh?

Car rental 280+
Hotel:2 nights free b/c of credit card pts, one night fee $71
Gas: ~$190
Bonding w/ bruhs: priceless

********************READ THE Blog below this ENTRY*********
That 3 prt series "my truth, my journey" is still coming...on the real, I have to edit some of the material...it maybe too much.

I'm coming back

Don't give up on me yet. I'm coming back, my internet will be back up on Friday (I have finagled something together for time being). Yes, I'm back home (mom's house-4 months and counting) and this will surely be a humbling experience. I think I moving back home is a good for me...I need to get that stability. I'll give some updates real quick. I had this big thing I was going to do about my apartment and other things I took pictures and all, but it's 5am and it's not going down, so this blog will be picture free. Pictures take too much work uploading adding to picture thing and then put on blog-NO!

Home
I'm still not unpacked completely. Moving from an apartment to a room and putting some stuff in a closet is not an easy transition. I found some old things from my years in school. On my 4th grade report "truth is a good student, but needs to get his temper under control." I laughed at that mess...I use to whip bleep something wicked. lol. I'm still not adjusted to stay home-I don't think I will. Do this, could u hand me that, you should do this, this is how u do this, could u help Ms. so and so, NO, SHUT UP! I feel like I'm married with out the benefits and all of the burden. I love moms though, that's my homegirl, but this staying together is going to be something. If anyone is in the situation feel free to give me some pointers or share your aggravation. This is a smart move though-I willn't have to pay rent, which gives me a chance to save a little (I will pay something though-I'm not a bumb). I'm going to need all my pennies and dimes when I graduate (Dec.).

School
Is something I haven't really mention much on here. Well, my last semester is going to be a trying one, but I already claim the victory. Three major trials are facing me. 1) these fools aren't trying to give me any money....WHAT?! My fafsa was messed up by two digits on my mom's social, so it was sent to them as incomplete. I didn't get correct it until June, now they are saying they don't have anything to give me. I found that funny b/c the woman said that to me before (a month ago) and ended up giving me $1200 for work study, where did that money come from? So I have made up my mind...I'm going to aggravate them until they give me the money kinda like "Is there any money, yet?" every day several times day, b/c these grinches got the money. Actually, I'm going to talk to someone who has some skill or can direct to someone who can get the job done. Me broke is not going to happen...that's not even an option. 2.) I need to appeal to my college for this darn class. They charge u 3 x fee. Before y'all clown me...let me explain. When I took the class the first time. I was in there for a week and a half (my dad passed). The second time was Spring semester-everyone knows I did nothing last school term (I can count on two hands how many times I went to that class). I was just burnt out ( I couldn't get motivated or focused for the life of me), but I put on some awesome events for my school (can someone say Charlie Murphy-he is cool and crazy as all get out). 3.) I need to get either an A in one class and a c in the other or or two Bs to graduate. Both classes are difficult, so I'm looking/expecting a miracle-I can't take another semester). God move!

Girls, Girls, Girls
Okay, I mention before girls out of my pass are just popping up like popcorn. Well, like 2 weeks ago I went to my little cousin's graduation (pre-k) and I run into this girl who was friends with my best female friend. I didn't see here at first, but after a second glanced I noticed here and she was looking...uuummmhhh...dddeellicious (hahaha). Don't you hate when someone who was feeling you sees you and you aren't looking your best, but they are looking like DDDAAAA******. Cut my legs off and call me shorty. I smile and in the back of my mind "darn something told me to shave". "My hair already needs to be cut...I need to listen to my first mind sometimes". I play it cool, hugged her and moved on. Found a seat in this small church which was quite the task. During the graduation we are playing that game of "I'm looking at you, but if you look at me I'm not"(of course, she was looker and I was the lookee). It was real cute and what-not, but I knew not to take it there. She was looking like she could be a video chick though (typical long hair, bright skin, long legs (~5'10), nice skin, etc.). This girl had drama. She is like 3-4 years older than me-no problem. Child graduating with my little cousin (problem-not being funny, but nawl). Baby daddy was asking about me last time we every so slightly talked. She seemed midly depressed (even though she played like everything was cool-didn't fool me), and her ambitions were just low. However, this chick is mad smart, just met the wrong guy and had bad experiences-through her plan off WAY OFF-seems like she bounced back well. Key word: seemed.
Then we have Ms. Daytona, she called while I was in the NO...I haven't hit here back yet. I need to she is cool, but for some reason the chemistry was not there, sparks didn't fly-have u experience this? The person is cool and everything, but u just don't feel it. What is that about? The other chick is classic "Back Den" by Mikes Jones. Everytime this chick thinks you have that potential she's down with you, but when u are like the average dude, she is like blah. I told her I will call, so I will whenever that maybe, but I'm not feeling her at all, but she is persistent.

*Not having heat in your car, is not a good what's up? By the time you are where u need to be your sweated out, I'm in Florida-not having an a/c is a bad look and smell if your not careful
*My trip to the NO prove to me you can't go anywhere without running into someone from my darn school. I love that orange and blue love though!

Monday, August 08, 2005

Goodbyes

I'm moving out of my apartment, so you may not see me blogging this week. I'm getting all sentimental I'm going to miss this place. The laughs, arguments, etc. Leaving the apartment really is symbolizing my life right now. I'm moving on and close doors (so much uncertain...man, I'm all over the place). Living at home will be interesting, but it will bring some stability that I will need for my last semester. Let me finish cleaning.......I ran into an old girl who had interest this weekend, interesting. I will blog about that too. Until next time..peace and blessing.

*I'm going to the NO this week, does anyone have any suggestions of places we can hit up.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Question

Playing: Devil Advocate
Random Thoughts
"What's meant to be will be" /"If it was meant to be it will be"
This statement kinda pisses me off from time-to-time. It's such a cop out to me. Yes, it comforts us, like most cop outs do; they help us deal with things we can't digest, but what if something(s) that was meant to be simply doesn't exist. If you would have pushed a little more. Tried one more time. What if? But then, the question is when are you fighting against fate?
playing~"Like You" Bow Wow ft. Ciara ( I love how she sings the chorus like a warm up-am I really listening to Bow Wow?)
Predestined
I for one believe that we all are put here for a REASON! I believe that we all have a destiny to fulfill. However, if it's predestined how does one avoid fulfilling it? We have free will. Some make it and some don't. So is free will the problem? Since the reason for our lives are predestined shouldn't our choices be predestined?
Sidenote: Does God already know who is going to see him in peace (we all we see him)? I mean he has seen the end already (Alpha & Omega/Omnioptent) or does free will change his (that's impossible, right?). Okay, diggin' to deep, but if I'm predestined to go down I would like to know, because I want to go ALL OUT. In other words, Act a Darn Fool
playing~I'm sprung -T. Payne (this songs ride)
We hurt the ones we love the most
Aint this a fugged up statement, but why is it so true? I don't know if it's because they expect more or we take them for granted, unsure. nuff said
Things that feel good (physically, emotionally, mentally) aren't always good for us.
Whew!!! So true. As my pastor would say "Everything good isn't God; Everything God is, is good." Why does some bad things feel so good, is the real question.
Why Does it take 5 positive things to cancel out one negative
Some how we like negative things how us down. Some says we look nice we think oh that was nice of them and keep it move in. They say we are ugly we think about it all day trying to figure it out, why?
*As always no proofing and give me some feedback.
Doesn't every one have a level of hyprocisy
We all have done something we claimed to be wack, lame, etc. Like everyone hates when people lie to them, but haven't you lied to someone.
Expressions
Is it really possible to express yourself honestly? No filtering-just 100% you at that time.
Extras
3 part: my truth, my journey (it's serious) part one is just about done. It's a little long, so part two maybe have been started on unknowingly.Trust you will enjoy. Mr. Goodie two shoes may not be as good as we think*wink*. The truth on sex and everything inbetween..
*Who raps the song that has "And I'm telling you (your going to love me)" sped up as the chorus?. I heard it in Atlanta last year, but it's just becoming popular, I think.

Monday, August 01, 2005

If You're Not The One

*A real post is coming folks*

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today? If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way? If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call. If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I'll never know what the future brings, but I know you're here with me now. We’ll make it through And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand. If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am? Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed? If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head? If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life? If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away But I know that this much is true. We’ll make it through And I hope you are the one I share my life with And I wish that you could be the one I die with And I pray in you’re the one I build my home withI hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand. If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right And though I can’t be with you tonight You know my heart is by your side
-Daniel Bedingfield

Does this remind you of anyone? AARRRGGGHHH!