Wednesday, May 11, 2005

The Truth

My words have caused me to re-evaluate my blogging. While communicating with another blogger I asked them a question "are you going to give us the watered down you?"

*Tamia-"If I were You" playing in the atmosphere

In my attempt to not water down things...I'm going to take a big step at divulge a little more of myself. Dang! I'm really struggling' with this. I told y'all I was a private person.

*3 mins. later (different song Fantasia "Free Yourself")....

Sex, the lack there of, and the insecurities

If you didn't know....I'm am apart of the V Club. Yep, I am a virgin. 21 year old college student a virgin. This is a rarity, I know. However, I am not ashame of this fact. I am waiting for marriage or at least trying to. I don't know if anyone else is trying to attempt this, but it can be quite a challenge. Some days I'm like this is not biological right. I'm going to explode. God forget to match our bodies up with his word....j/k. Our bodies have a mind of their own. If you don't get rid of all of that extra fluid and energy your mind and body will do it for you. I told you this blog was going to be real; I can't believe I just typed that, but whatever. It's the truth. I know some people are like this dude is lying or he just can't get any. You are wrong in both instances. The latter statement can present a problem. I am a college student sex is readily available, so this can cause some problems. Sex being so available has been a problem since high school. When girls first found out I was still a virgin (girls talk so much)...all of them wanted to be first. Hey, it's a new day, the tables have turned, I guess. So here I am this 13 to 14 year young man having like 3 to 4 different girls trying to get to "know" me biblically. At this time, I wasn't thinking too much about God, so I thought this was cool. Then, the insecurities hit me. Hey? I haven't done this before and they have...what if I suck? What if I am too thick, too small, too big, too thin? What if they got something? What if they suck? I had too many questions with little to no answers. And once I saw all those diseases, you can get from sex in my class I was like WHAT! THE BUMBA. I was like I'll pass, which was a little surprising because I'm a curious cat. I had other questions too, which I can't blog about the words of a new found friend of mine no4real4real "TMI". Shortly thereafter, the God fearing me emerged, so sex was definitely off limits now. My friends and I made a pact to wait. Now you have a 21 year old who no longers have those questions...found out I wasn't doing bad down below. One question still remains..."What if I suck?" Being 14 and sucking is alright, but 21 it's unacceptable. I must knock it out, if I'm going to do it. I admit I'm a little cocky, trust I'm not narcissistic. I'm just confident and sometimes sure of myself. The pact that I spoke of, nobody kept it, but me. Now the pressure is on, everyone is telling me not to mess up, I'm like thanks for the advice. You got yours and now you want to tell me to wait. SHUT UP! How is a brother maintaining? I stay busy, keep myself out of those potentially sticky situation (pun intended), remember the pact, and remember I'm committed to God. My relationship with God gets interesting from time to time...I have some questions, few answers. U will see how this effects my emotions, my behavior, my mindset on sexuality, social issues, etc. in another blog.

As I admitted in my previous paragraph I can be cocky, which means I need to be way better than average in anything that involves me. I don't have to be the best, but I have to be above most. Dang! That sounds bad, but it's true. Okay, I sing in this group. Most people in the group can get down vocally. Now I am 2nd tenor with a decent-to- pretty good range. I get compliments in this area. However, my ear isn't that good, so I depend on "The tenor"(aka male Beyonce) in the group. Because of my aforementioned cockiness I'm insecure. I need to feel like I'm an asset to the group and not a liability. I hate it when we sing, I rarely get into it and when I have to sing without the "tenor" I get nervous, lose confidence and sing bass or even worst lose the note, which of course messes up the harmony, because it's three part harmony. My height is another issue. I'm 5'8...yes, I know already. Now I'm not all the insecure about this, but I am definitely not above average, which is the issue. The average is 5'9, so a brother is lacking vertically...what is a brother to do? I blame it on my mom. She is 5'0. My dad is 6'3...what happen, I don't know. I fell in the middle...this is a mess. My weight ( I will not disclose that info.) now I am a little insecure about this. I'm a slender brother, so people always have jokes. I want to gain some pounds, but I can't get into the gym rat thing and my eating habits are poor, so I'm pretty much stuck with it. The good thing is my confidence/cockiness makes up for it. When people try to clown my weight, I'm like so what my face makes up for it. They usually back off b/c they realize that comment didn't phase me. I notice that I have mention me being handsome before, but I don't want y'all to think I'm real conceited or boris. I'm a regular brother...I'm not a model or anything. Who have I been compared to hhmmm....Taye Diggs ( When he was in Stella) & Sam Salter (R & B singer, who sung "after 12 before 6" released in the late 90s). The two don't look that much a like, so I don't know about the comparisons, but those are the only two famous ppl I've been called. I wouldn't dare put a picture up. Especially, after I'm telling all my business. What do you do when we aren't the best or where we want to be in something? We minimize its importance or get out of dodge.
* know this is full of errors...this is too much to re-read (like I ever check grammar extensively)and it's too late.

Give me some feedback on this blog whatever u would like to comment on


At 10:57 AM, Blogger Sway said...

Wow... I think it's amazing that you are still a virgin. That is wonderful! Lord knows if I knew then what I know now, I would have WAITED. Once that door is opened...everything changes and it's a hard door to close. Seriously, it's been the source of about 85% of my problems and drama. lol I encourage you to stick to your plan although its hard. Trust me... i know because being a born-again virgin is just as hard.

At 2:20 PM, Blogger SmilingOnThaDL said...

Man, I definitely feel your post. I have gone through many of the things you're presently going through, in some cases I'm still dealing. I was a virgin at 21 and believe me I know your struggle. I have found out that blogging has helped me express what I’m going through, without being judge, but allowing others to comment on certain avenues that they may have stood.

When I first started blogging, no one knew whom I was. Therefore, I said what I was feeling no matter how deep it may have seemed. Fortunately, some bloggers gave me excellent advice, plus I had situations written that I could effectively analyze certain situation. You aren't alone in your spiritual journey either.

Be yourself!

And about the job... brotha this is a problem everywhere. In NYC, 50% of black men are unemployed. All I can say is network, network, and network. Hopefully that through some organizations that you are involved in... There are some influential members of your community that can assist you in this endeavor (hint,lol)

At 3:34 PM, Blogger No4real4real said...

ROTF!!! LOL @ Smilings hint. stupid!

Hey man I have come to learn that there is no such thing as TMI with these blogs. Lord knows! But you are doing your thing, keep it up. No pressure on the sex tip, take your time. We all have our insecurities, although I tend not to admit many of mine any longer. LOL Just kidding. Height being one of mine, man don't feel bad. Here is a bit of TMI (didn't I just say there is no such thing) I am 5'8 as well. Although for years I been telling people that I am 5'9. Since I have been doing it for so long I am going to continue to say 5'9. So no worries there man. There is nothing wrong with being 5'8 or 5'9 in my case. Lastly, Taye Diggs, you better get it! Funny thing is I love his physique. If I was to be a slim dude, which I am not by any means, I would love to have his form.

At 10:56 PM, Blogger prodigalsun said...

A HA! 5'8!! finally you admit it!

My bad about the sidebar to no4real4real... we have this debate about his height. Gotcha! I win.

At any rate, the fact is... whomever you are going to be with will know that you are a virgin no matter what your age. So they wont expect much bruh... so relax. And really, its not that hard. Do what comes naturally. Do what feels good. Stop if they say 'ouch', and you will be cool.

I wish you luck on remaining a virgin if that is what you sincerely want to do. But only if its about remaining chaste for god and your future mate... if its about your sexual insecurities, I say its unhealthy and you need to get over it, & get some puntang... lol

At 7:04 PM, Blogger Dayrell said...

a 21 y.o vigin in 2005. good for you. kudos! :))

At 8:58 PM, Blogger Frank León Roberts said...

you are a brave, brave, brother. this is no joke. congratulations---for patience and skill if nothing else.


Post a Comment

<< Home