Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Can't get no satisfaction

India Arie~Purify Me

I can't get no satisfaction! At one point, I was so pleased with not moving and just enjoying the simple things in life. That feeling was over a 1.5 week ago. I have always been face with this issue of not being able to be satisfied. Nothing can keep me entertained and interested for long. This has been a problem ever since I was a child. My mom use to be me the video games and stuff as a source of entertainment. Hey, I was an only child..she had to do something. Well, after two months or so of those games I was be done with them. I'll get another video game and that will keep me entertained for two weeks or so. Essential those toys and games were more entertaining for my friends and cousins. I remember telling my mother after she brought me a game gear (sidenote: I was the only dude in my projects to have that. I was the man darn it! She spent all that money to get it when it came out and I was done with it in a couple of months.) I was like mom...don't buy me anymore video games I don't play with them much and they cost too much money.

Not only was I like that with video games I was like that with dating. This girl who was kinda like my second real girlfriend at the time...Idunno if I can call her that. Have I actually had a real girlfriend? hhmm...I need to put some thought into that. Back to the story, she had been trying to get at me for awhile and I was trying to be on that mack daddy stuff playing around like I was the bleep. Finally, we starting dating...and guess what I get tired of her. It was kinda monotonous. Plus, I didn't like the feeling of being obligated to someone. I don't owe you anything, so I dropped her on our way from my 1st or 2nd period. There was also some drama with her and my best friend, which cause a stir at my high school. Apparently, they were spending some time together after school and of course this quickly gets back to me (the funny thing is, he was the one who walked her to my house, so that we could make up...I didn't hear them at my door). He later admits he liked her, but she liked me. It didn't matter then-I was done with her.

So here I am sitting her, with no satisfaction. The funny thing is, I don't face this issue with my friends...I'm loyal to them. Unless they violate me on more than one occasion in a BIG way. I think one of the major problems with my dissatifcation is my outlook on life. I am an idealist. I want things to be ideal. I have big dreams and I actually expect them bear fruit and most of the time, they don't. The dreams aren't unrealistic, but they're a little to close to being perfect-why can't my stuff line up! AArrrgghh. I do what I can and expect things to line up, because that was suppose to be the right way to accomplish what I dreamed of. It's like you know that you encompass greatness, but for some freakin' reason it will not come to fruition...what is that all about! So a brother is frustrated right now. I'm just aggravated all the way around. No job, No girlfriend, spiritually feel okay-nothing special, I guess that's my fault (anything good it's God, anything not so good it's you). However, I have not been spending much time with him, so I guess I shouldn't expect anything great.

Yes, sometimes I have beef with my beliefs, but it also brings me so much joy and sureness ( I can't explain it). I'm not referring to church, which is good too, but I talking about the personal relationship with God-spending time in his presence. It's such a complicated relationship though or maybe it's just my age and where I am. The bible talks about us dying daily and taking up our cross and following him. So our goal is to be an imitators of Christ. So anything that we desire that doesn't align itself with following him must die. I'm at the age now where I want to explore from time to time. However, I don't think I would feel comfortable exploring. My beliefs have been guide for the last 6 years, so most things that seem alright with ppl and alright with my personal truth may not be alright the God. Thus, my personal truth gets push to the side and what God wants takes center stage. I'm not basing any of this on what someone preached to me. I'm basing this on what I've read in his word (the bible) for myself. Jeez..I went on a rant for a second. The bottom line is I can't get no satisfaction. I'm frustrated....I wanna bust a nut, but I can't. No, I can't masturbate...that would fall under the category of lusting. Unless you know of another way to get hard, stay hard, and not imagine someone or some act to get you excited. I want to party with my friends and act a fool with no second thought. I just want to explore period. Sorry, rant started again...I've hit on everything...excuse me a brother is getting a little emotional, but he's frustration. Actually, I've been a little emotional all week. I think it has something to do with my father passing almost a year ago (june 4th-1 year)...I can't even go there now. Maybe I just need to sit down and really do some studying of my bible and some prayer, because I'm tripping.

*What do you do when you're too big for where you are, but not ready or possibly afraid of what's to come?
*India Arie~Slow Down is good for me right now. Oh don't sleep on that Kem-he is the truth.

"How can I give someone space and time when that's how I feel"~Nikki giovanni


At 8:43 PM, Blogger Zeezy4Sheezy said...

Your blog is fairly interesting.. check out mines, I wish I could reveal more stuff but 2 many people read my blog

At 1:38 PM, Blogger No4real4real said...

Now I know I left a comment on this yesterday. Let me find out you erased my comment. *mean face*

If I didn't - SORRY! *apologetic face*

Hey man great post, but I think you need a hug. Besides that you are human. My only suggestion is that you a bless us with some paragraph breaks. That was a long read. I had to take a break and come back to it.

At 3:21 PM, Blogger mytruth said...

sorry folks...I meant to put breaks in..but that was str8 venting no thoughts processed. No comment was left previously 4real.


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